登入JULIAN
I hate going to parties. Always have, ever since I was a kid. Maybe it’s the noise, or it’s the being around people, or maybe it’s the forced social interaction. Whatever it is, I do my best to avoid parties. But one thing I can’t do is say no to Theo. Which is how I find myself in Rose Clarke’s mansion, attending her boisterous, and quite frankly, pointless party. All because Theo asked me to. I’m almost regretting saying yes as the DJ switches to another song. I wince. I already know that by morning, I’ll be struggling with a migraine. And it won’t be because of the alcohol. The music is too loud. It pounds against my skull, heavy bass vibrating through the floor and up my spine. The air is thick with alcohol, sweat, and expensive perfume clinging to bodies that are way too close to me. I hate parties like this. But Theo loves them. And where he goes, I follow. I stand beside him near the edge of the room, a red plastic cup in my hand that I haven’t touched. My eyes stay on him as he laughs at something someone says, his head tipped back slightly, that easy, effortless smile on his lips. He belongs here, with these people. He just… fits. People gravitate toward him like it’s instinct. Like they can sense something warm in him, something safe. My grip tightens slightly around the cup as I watch the scene. A guy leans in too close to Theo, brushing his arm as he speaks. He doesn’t pull away. He just smiles, nodding, listening. Something sharp twists in my chest. I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. I want to stop it, to pull Theo away and hold him tight but I can’t. Because I don’t have the right to. Because I don’t want to risk losing him as my best friend. So, instead of surrendering to the caveman instincts rising in me, I take a sip of the alcohol in my cup instead. It burns on the way down and I wince, but I relish the burn. It chases away the bitterness coating my tongue. It relieves the heat building in my chest. Theo glances at me with a smile. “Are you okay? I know parties aren’t your scene.” My heart warms at his concern and I force a smile to my face for his benefit. “I’m doing fine, don’t worry.” He gives me a small, amused look, like he knows I’m lying but won’t call me out on it. “Okay,” he says. The guy beside him lingers for a moment longer before drifting away, and I feel something in me settle. Better. Much better. I exhale slowly, lifting the cup to my lips and taking another sip. It tastes awful but I can’t get enough. “I’m going to grab another drink,” Theo says after a moment. “You want anything?” I shake my head. “No.” “I’ll be right back.” I nod, watching him disappear into the crowd. And just like that, the room feels different. It feels colder without him around. Everything feels loud and overwhelming. I shift my weight, scanning the room without really seeing anything. Everything blurs together. Faces, voices, laughter, movement. None of it matters. None of them matter. I’m about to go looking for Theo when I feel a prickle run down my spine. It feels like I’m being watched. I turn slowly, scanning the room. And then I find him. Nikolai Soren. He’s leaning casually against the far wall across the room, one hand tucked into the pocket of his trousers, the other holding a glass of something dark. His posture is relaxed, casual to the point of looking lazy but I know it’s deceptive. It’s just another thing about him that draws people in. I have a feeling there’s nothing casual or relaxed about him. There’s just an air of danger that surrounds him. His gaze is fixed on me. My breath catches. For a moment, neither of us moves. We both stand there, staring at each other, as if daring the other to make a move first. Then, he pushes off the wall. He drops his drink on the nearby table and he starts walking toward me. Each step is unhurried, controlled, deliberate. My body goes still as he closes the distance between us, the noise of the party fading into something distant, something irrelevant. It’s like everything around us has disappeared. I can’t register anything else but him. I watch him as he approaches, frozen in place. Like he is a predator and I’m nothing but prey, helplessly awaiting its death.NIKOLAIHe shrugs. “Why do that when you always deliver?” There’s a slight pause. “Until now, anyway.”He glances at the sketchbook on my desk.This time, his expression shifts slightly into something less teasing and more thoughtful.“Be careful,” he says lightly, though there’s something under it. “You’re starting to look a little… invested.”“I’m not,” I reply immediately.It’s too quick and his lips twitch.“I didn’t say you were,” he says. “I said you’re starting to look like it.”He hesitates for a second before he goes on, “I just don’t want you getting obsessed. You know what happens when you do. I don’t want a repeat of last time.”I tense slightly. “Drop it, Caleb.”“All I’m saying is, I don’t want to have to handle another dead body—”I grit my teeth. “I. Said. Drop. It.”Something in my tone must get to him because he finally shuts up.He watches me for a second longer while I try to ignore the burning sensation in my chest. How dare he even bring that up?My fingers curl
NIKOLAIThe door to my room bursts open.I don’t look up from my sketchbook even as irritation rises in my chest, sharp and fast. I already know who it is.It’s the lavender. It always gives him away. His ex-girlfriend gifted him that shampoo but they broke up years ago. I still don’t know why he refuses to let it go and keeps buying more.It’s not love— I don’t think Caleb is capable of it. It’s something else. Something he refuses to tell me anytime I ask him about it.Which is surprising. Caleb doesn’t keep secrets. I sigh. “Do you ever knock?”Caleb jumps on my bed, jostling me slightly. “Why would I? You should know me already, dear brother.”He lays on the bed, resting on his elbows, his legs swinging in the air behind him.I rub my hands along my temples, feeling the beginnings of a headache. Caleb always has that effect.Sometimes, I wish I could trade him for someone else. Another brother, maybe.“Yes, I do know. I know you’re annoying, insufferable—”“Wow. Don’t complimen
NIKOLAIControl.It’s a word that has been ingrained in me for years. A word Derek never fails to mention.It’s a language I’m very fluent in.I pride myself on control. On not letting anything affect me.It’s the only thing that matters. I learned that early on, before I even had a name for the sharp, suffocating feeling that came with losing it. Back when everything was louder, messier, unpredictable in ways that left irrevocable damage behind.Now I know better.Control isn't a restriction. It’s freedom.It’s not just about restraint, it’s about precision. Choosing exactly what to show and what to withhold. Knowing that silence can be louder than words, that stillness can draw more attention than movement.That people can fill in the gaps themselves.And when they do, they hand you power. Over themselves, over everything.People like to pretend that their impulses make them real, honest. That giving in to whatever they feel in the moment is somehow admirable.It isn’t.It makes the
JULIAN My breath stutters. “I’m not—” “You are. You don’t like me,” he says simply. There’s no offense in his tone. He just sounds certain. Like he's figured it all out. It throws me off slightly. Because he’s right. I shouldn’t like him. I don’t like him. He hurt Theo. He’s cold. Detached. Dangerous. Everything about him pushes me away. “That doesn’t mean I can’t talk to you,” I combat, lifting my chin. I can quit and run right now but I’m not going to. I’m stronger than that. His gaze sharpens. “Why?” There it is again. Another question. Direct and unavoidable. He asks a lot of questions, doesn’t he? It’s always what or why with him. Why? Because Theo asked me to. Because I need to make you fall for me. Because I’m supposed to break you. The answers pile up in my head, heavy and suffocating. I can’t say any of them. So I say the only thing I can. “I don’t know.” And it’s partly the truth. Because as much as everything about Nikolai p
JULIANI force my voice to remain steady and try again. “I just wanted to apologize. For what I said at the party. I didn’t mean to call you arrogant and all that. I guess I was a little tipsy.”This was Theo’s idea, me apologizing. After I told him everything that happened at the party, Theo thought I was a little too rude for Nikolai’s tastes. He said Nikolai likes his men well-behaved.Well-behaved. Like I’m a robot. Or a doll he can mold to his liking.Ugh.But Theo wants this, so…Nikolai folds his arms, the action making his biceps bulge through the tight, black T-shirt he’s wearing.“You don’t have to apologize,” he says calmly. “I thought it was fun.”Fun. Like I’d been putting on a comedy show.I want to snap at him and ask him who the hell he thinks he is to be so patronizing but I resist. Barely. My smile widens instead.“Still, I feel like we got off on the wrong foot.” I stretch out a hand. “Julian. That’s my name.”He tilts his head, ignoring my outstretched hand. “I al
JULIANI wipe my sweaty hands on my jeans as I stare at Nikolai standing a few feet ahead, my heart pounding.I don’t think I can do this.I don’t think I can make him fall in love with me.Even after the ‘prep’ Theo has given me over the week, complete with whiteboards and pointers and all, I don’t feel confident I can succeed.Theo didn’t have much information to give me about him anyway. Just that Nikolai preferred to chase and I shouldn’t be so obvious. He also told me to be less awkward and be more confident.Yeah, I have a feeling I’m going to fuck that one up.My chest tightens the longer I stare at him.I’m feeling the exact way I felt on the two occasions I’ve seen him now.There’s this awareness I have around him. It’s almost like instinct. Like something deep inside me is already bracing for impact.Nikolai stands near the edge of the Arts building, speaking to someone I don’t recognize. His posture is relaxed, one hand tucked into his pocket, the other loosely holding his







