登入NIKOLAI
The saws whir to life, drowning out the sound of anything else. The thick metallic smell of blood hangs in the air, almost overwhelming the rest of my senses. I focus on the process, not the body beneath my hands. I concentrate my attention on making clean lines, on making accurate, controlled movements. Precision always matters. That’s what Derek taught me. The blade catches for a second on a bone and I force it through, bone shards escaping everywhere. Thank God for the goggles, I think. Caleb and I could’ve done this ourselves but I’m not surprised Derek sent River to help. Let’s just say, if it was just the two of us, then nothing would get done. Besides, River’s the only person, other than Derek, that can get Caleb to listen. He’s the second-in-command for a reason. As we work, I think about my reputation at college as Caleb so nicely put it. The playboy act is just another part of the facade. No one would ever believe Nikolai Soren, the guy loved by everyone, is a murderer. No one could ever find out what we were doing. That’s why we’re all careful. By the time we finish, the body is no longer recognizable. “There. All done,” Caleb says, far too pleased, his clothes stained with blood and body matter. I rise slowly from my crouched position. My knees and thighs protest from being crouched for hours but I sigh in relief. Finally, it’s over. I don’t feel anything but relief that this little annoyance is over. Besides, Silas Varthrow is not a man to feel sorry for. He was a child trafficker. A rapist. An abuser. Thanks to him being gone, his potential victims could get a normal childhood. Maybe then, they won’t end up like me or my brothers. “Bag it. We’ll weigh it down with rocks and dump it,” River says, sweat dripping down his temple, his dark hair soaked with sweat. “Let’s make it quick. I still have a party to get to tonight,” I say, already moving. Caleb stares at me and shakes his head. “Are you serious?” I tilt my head. “Do you have a problem with what I said?” “Yes, I do. There’s something wrong with you. Mentally.” “I wasn’t the one that was officially diagnosed.” “That’s because you ran away from all your appointments.” He shakes his head. “I don’t know how you do it. Derek would have my head if I ever dared.” “That’s because he’s Derek’s favourite,” River says as he starts placing the body pieces in the bag. I lean down to help and Caleb does the same. “It isn’t my fault that Derek loves me the most. Guess I’m just that lovable.” River snorts. “Lovable, my foot. It’s because you’re the youngest. That’s why he lets you get away with so much.” Caleb purses his lips. “Which is weird because he didn’t give me the same attention before Niko came around.” I huff and roll my eyes. I was the last to join the group and Caleb never fails to remind me of how I ‘stole’ his position as the youngest. We weren’t brothers. At least not by blood. Just four boys no one wanted, bound together by circumstance and something uglier than loyalty. Let’s just say I’d been lost and Derek picking me off the streets was the best thing that happened to me. He’d been the one to train me himself, to teach me everything I know. I don’t bother to continue to argue with Caleb and River. Let them think whatever they want. I zip up the body bag after we’re done and push it aside. River grabs the bleach and starts wiping down the bag. I grab the hose to start cleaning all the blood off the floor. Caleb starts cleaning the saws with bleach. Once we’re done, we strip out of our stained clothes, rinse ourselves with water from the hose and change into the clean clothes we brought with us. We dump the clothes and gloves into a bag and put it in the trunk of Caleb’s car. They will be burned later. After, we scrub the place with bleach, put the body bag at the back of Caleb’s car and lock up the place. “You two got this right? Because I’m leaving,” I say as I head towards my car. Caleb narrows his eyes. “You’re leaving?” “I told you I have a party to attend. I still have to go home and clean up.” “But—” “You can leave, Niko,” River says, grabbing Caleb’s arm to shut him up. “We can handle the rest from here.” I give him a small wave and walk in the opposite direction to my car. As I start it up, I can hear Caleb saying as he and River walk away, “Why do you and Derek indulge him so much? He needs to learn…” I tune him out and shake my head as I reverse and pull out of the driveway. As I drive, I think about the party I’m headed to. I wonder what people at school would say if they knew who I am and what I’ve done. If they’d still want to be associated with me. This is the kind of thing that changes the way people look at you. The kind of thing that makes people look at you like you were a monster. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t mind being labeled one. For some reason, my mind drifts to the boy with the bright blue eyes who’d stared at me in school. He didn’t look at me the same way everyone else did. He looked at me like I was the villain. I laugh to myself lightly as I wait at a red light. If only he knew how right he is.NIKOLAIHe shrugs. “Why do that when you always deliver?” There’s a slight pause. “Until now, anyway.”He glances at the sketchbook on my desk.This time, his expression shifts slightly into something less teasing and more thoughtful.“Be careful,” he says lightly, though there’s something under it. “You’re starting to look a little… invested.”“I’m not,” I reply immediately.It’s too quick and his lips twitch.“I didn’t say you were,” he says. “I said you’re starting to look like it.”He hesitates for a second before he goes on, “I just don’t want you getting obsessed. You know what happens when you do. I don’t want a repeat of last time.”I tense slightly. “Drop it, Caleb.”“All I’m saying is, I don’t want to have to handle another dead body—”I grit my teeth. “I. Said. Drop. It.”Something in my tone must get to him because he finally shuts up.He watches me for a second longer while I try to ignore the burning sensation in my chest. How dare he even bring that up?My fingers curl
NIKOLAIThe door to my room bursts open.I don’t look up from my sketchbook even as irritation rises in my chest, sharp and fast. I already know who it is.It’s the lavender. It always gives him away. His ex-girlfriend gifted him that shampoo but they broke up years ago. I still don’t know why he refuses to let it go and keeps buying more.It’s not love— I don’t think Caleb is capable of it. It’s something else. Something he refuses to tell me anytime I ask him about it.Which is surprising. Caleb doesn’t keep secrets. I sigh. “Do you ever knock?”Caleb jumps on my bed, jostling me slightly. “Why would I? You should know me already, dear brother.”He lays on the bed, resting on his elbows, his legs swinging in the air behind him.I rub my hands along my temples, feeling the beginnings of a headache. Caleb always has that effect.Sometimes, I wish I could trade him for someone else. Another brother, maybe.“Yes, I do know. I know you’re annoying, insufferable—”“Wow. Don’t complimen
NIKOLAIControl.It’s a word that has been ingrained in me for years. A word Derek never fails to mention.It’s a language I’m very fluent in.I pride myself on control. On not letting anything affect me.It’s the only thing that matters. I learned that early on, before I even had a name for the sharp, suffocating feeling that came with losing it. Back when everything was louder, messier, unpredictable in ways that left irrevocable damage behind.Now I know better.Control isn't a restriction. It’s freedom.It’s not just about restraint, it’s about precision. Choosing exactly what to show and what to withhold. Knowing that silence can be louder than words, that stillness can draw more attention than movement.That people can fill in the gaps themselves.And when they do, they hand you power. Over themselves, over everything.People like to pretend that their impulses make them real, honest. That giving in to whatever they feel in the moment is somehow admirable.It isn’t.It makes the
JULIAN My breath stutters. “I’m not—” “You are. You don’t like me,” he says simply. There’s no offense in his tone. He just sounds certain. Like he's figured it all out. It throws me off slightly. Because he’s right. I shouldn’t like him. I don’t like him. He hurt Theo. He’s cold. Detached. Dangerous. Everything about him pushes me away. “That doesn’t mean I can’t talk to you,” I combat, lifting my chin. I can quit and run right now but I’m not going to. I’m stronger than that. His gaze sharpens. “Why?” There it is again. Another question. Direct and unavoidable. He asks a lot of questions, doesn’t he? It’s always what or why with him. Why? Because Theo asked me to. Because I need to make you fall for me. Because I’m supposed to break you. The answers pile up in my head, heavy and suffocating. I can’t say any of them. So I say the only thing I can. “I don’t know.” And it’s partly the truth. Because as much as everything about Nikolai p
JULIANI force my voice to remain steady and try again. “I just wanted to apologize. For what I said at the party. I didn’t mean to call you arrogant and all that. I guess I was a little tipsy.”This was Theo’s idea, me apologizing. After I told him everything that happened at the party, Theo thought I was a little too rude for Nikolai’s tastes. He said Nikolai likes his men well-behaved.Well-behaved. Like I’m a robot. Or a doll he can mold to his liking.Ugh.But Theo wants this, so…Nikolai folds his arms, the action making his biceps bulge through the tight, black T-shirt he’s wearing.“You don’t have to apologize,” he says calmly. “I thought it was fun.”Fun. Like I’d been putting on a comedy show.I want to snap at him and ask him who the hell he thinks he is to be so patronizing but I resist. Barely. My smile widens instead.“Still, I feel like we got off on the wrong foot.” I stretch out a hand. “Julian. That’s my name.”He tilts his head, ignoring my outstretched hand. “I al
JULIANI wipe my sweaty hands on my jeans as I stare at Nikolai standing a few feet ahead, my heart pounding.I don’t think I can do this.I don’t think I can make him fall in love with me.Even after the ‘prep’ Theo has given me over the week, complete with whiteboards and pointers and all, I don’t feel confident I can succeed.Theo didn’t have much information to give me about him anyway. Just that Nikolai preferred to chase and I shouldn’t be so obvious. He also told me to be less awkward and be more confident.Yeah, I have a feeling I’m going to fuck that one up.My chest tightens the longer I stare at him.I’m feeling the exact way I felt on the two occasions I’ve seen him now.There’s this awareness I have around him. It’s almost like instinct. Like something deep inside me is already bracing for impact.Nikolai stands near the edge of the Arts building, speaking to someone I don’t recognize. His posture is relaxed, one hand tucked into his pocket, the other loosely holding his







