What have I done?

Lana’s pov

What have I done? I kept asking myself over and over again as I grabbed the bed sheets and wrapped them tightly around my naked body. It doesn’t help. I still felt exposed. I was still feeling ashamed of what had happened when I wasn't myself. But I can’t stop myself, I need to hide, even if the truth can’t be hidden. I spot my dress scattered on the floor, the same one I wore last night before I made the worst mistake of my life. I slid it under the covers and my hands were shaking. My eyes searched the room for my underwear and I found it hanging off the lampshade. Of course. As if I needed a reminder of how messy last night was.

I was still feeling lightheaded from the alcohol. I stumble twice just trying to put my underwear back on. I nearly fall, trying to be quiet, trying to leave without waking him up. But then I heard him, a low moan from the bed behind me. My breath went up. I grabbed my bra, grabbed my heels, and ran before he could open his eyes and speak. I don’t want to hear it. I already knew what he'd say: “Please don’t tell my wife.”

He doesn’t need to beg. I won’t tell her. I was never going to. But that doesn’t make this feel any better. Tears started falling down my face as I waited for the elevator. This wasn't my true nature and I looked awful. I was barefoot, makeup smudged, holding my bra in my hand like it’s a handbag. People will stare at me. But let them stare. I already hated myself more than anyone else could.

I slept with my best friend’s husband. The thought crushed me completely. No excuse in the world could make it okay. Not the drinks. Not the moment. Not my loneliness. She’ll never forgive me. And I’ll never forgive myself.

*************

Three Months Later:

"Please take off your underwear and lie down on the bed, legs apart. There’s a sheet on the chair for cover. I’ll be back in a minute," the nurse said kindly before walking out of the room.

I nodded and did as she said, moving quickly before I changed my mind. I lay down on the small, cold bed and pulled the thin sheet over my body. It doesn’t feel like enough. I’m here for my first ultrasound. And I was alone. This wasn’t how I imagined it. When I was a teenager, I used to dream about this particular day. I had baby names picked out. I imagined holding my husband’s hand while we watched the screen together. I thought we’d cry from joy when we heard the heartbeat.

But here I am, alone, scared, and full of regret. I made one bad choice. I drank too much. I acted without thinking. I didn’t stop him. I didn’t even make sure he used protection. I didn’t care about anything at that moment. And now, I had a baby in my womb. The door opened again, and the nurse walked in. I quickly wiped the tears from my cheek and gave her a small smile, hoping she didn’t notice.

"Are you ready to begin?" she asked gently.

"Yes, yes," I murmured. Then louder, "Yes."

She nodded and held up a long, slim device. 

"You’re about 12 weeks along, so sometimes we use this. It goes inside and helps us get a better view of the baby. Is that okay?"

I nodded again. No words. I always hated this part. But I’ve learned to shut off my mind and just get through it. That’s all I could do now, just get through it.

"Okay, I’m going in," the nurse said politely. I nodded and kept my eyes glued to the screen above me, waiting to see my baby for the first time. My heart pounded. My hands were clammy. She moved the wand from side to side, silent. Why wasn’t she saying anything? I stared hard at the screen, looking for anything I could understand. A little arrow moved into the corner, and she clicked on a box. A menu appeared, and I watched her type something: Fetus A.

Fetus A? I blinked. My mouth went dry. Is that… normal?

"Excuse me." My voice is so small I hardly heard it myself. "Fetus A?"

She glanced down at me and smiled, like it’s no big deal. "You didn’t know?"

Know what?

"No... What?" My stomach sank.

"Oh dear, I’m sorry. I thought you already knew. Is this your first scan?" she asked.

I nodded slowly. It wasn’t supposed to be, but I missed my first one. I already knew when I got pregnant, I didn’t need a scan to confirm it. That night with Lee was the only time I’d had sex in months. I wasn’t ready to face it back then. But I am now. At least I thought I was.

"It’s twins," she said with a bright smile. Like, this was good news.

Twins? My heart almost stopped. Two babies? I can barely figure out how to raise one on my own. How am I going to take care of two? She pointed to the screen. 

"You can see here, they each have their own sac." She circles two dark grey areas. "And their own placenta, so they’re likely fraternal, but…"

I don’t hear the rest. Her voice faded out, and my thoughts took over. Loud, fast and crushing. Everything started turning my mind around. I can’t do this. I can’t. Not alone. Not with twins. I was shouting in my head.

"Lana… Lana… Lana…."

I snapped back. She’s staring at me with concern, her voice soft again. "Are you okay?"

"I’m sorry," I stammered. "What did you say?"

She gave me a gentle smile. "Do you have a doctor’s appointment booked yet?"

"Yes. Next week."

My voice was very low. I thought about my mum, how disappointed she already was when I told her I was pregnant. And that was just one baby. What will she say now? Will she throw me out? Will she tell Lee? Or Rita? God… Rita. The nurse handed me a slip of paper and gave me a few more instructions, but I hardly heard them. I nodded, pretending I heard all she said and I cleaned myself up slowly. Then I walked out the door, one foot in front of the other, into a future that felt heavier than ever.