Chapter 3 - Denied

As the days go by, it's tiring. It's really hard to study and have a sideline at the same time.

"Viv, are you coming later?" my friend, Isa, asked me, who is eager to go to her talking stage partner's birthday.

"No, I have a shift to my sideline at the mansion later," I said to her. To be honest, I really don't know if I can attend the gathering with everything that is happening in my life right now.

"Alright. Too bad, there are still a lot of boys there!" she said while we were busy choosing what to eat at the canteen.

"I thought Greg was your boyfriend?" I asked, confused.

Last time she introduced Greg, and now? I don't know his name, he hasn't introduced it yet.

"That's just a fling, isn't it!" she winked and smiled at me.

I almost scoffed at my friend's answer. I know that she's hot, alright. She looks like a model, with her tall height, whitish rosy legs, and beautiful face that looks like Renaissance art.

And there's no offense to that, I'm just really confused about who she's talking about! I can't follow the timeline.

"O. My. God. Your so old tradition! Commitment is no longer fashionable now!" Isa enjoys teasing me that much, huh?

"If there's no certainty, it's just a fling or a mutual understanding..." she added more.

"Yeah, just don't confuse me." I laughed at her, while she just kept winking at other boys here in our school. And I know that later, I have no one to share my lunch with.

I pouted. I guess these things associated with love and commitment shouldn't be taken seriously, huh? You could just have a talking stage, fling, mutual understanding, or more…

I gathered my things and got ready for my schedule in the afternoon at the mansion. It's 1 pm, and my schedule is still 4:30 pm. I wish the class would end right away. I want to walk and meditate for a long time.

"Where are those papers?" Angelo's voice seemed like an echo to me. I really can't remember where I left my notes for one of our subjects.

"I don't know, I'll remember Angelo, promise," I responded to him while closing my eyes. I was really nervous about his question. Our group leader looks angry.

"Okay, okay. Maybe I could just lend you a hand?” I was surprised by what he said. That's why it took me a while to answer. Is this real? He's not angry?

He laughed. "Why? You look as scared as me, huh? It's just paper. Besides, I want to buy some books, too.”

His response made me calm down. "You know... it's important to you and I can't remember where I left it. It was still missing yesterday, our final exam is approaching."

"I know, we could make another one. I kind of wrote some notes too, in case I forgot or we can't do our study together."

I nodded. It seems convenient. We wrapped up some topics from our previous class here in the library, because the class ended at 2, we used our spare time to ask questions about what we couldn't understand.

"Okay, we're done. It's already 3:30 pm.” finally, we're done. It was almost an hour-long discussion, my head hurt a bit from the many questions we asked.

Angelo picked up his books and put them in his bag. I did the same. "Isa is gone," he said while putting together all his stuff.

"She's going to meet a friend," I responded, not wanting Angelo to know further details. Last time, he picked up Isa from his friend's birthday party and even got into a fight.

"Kind of uneasy, I'm gonna call her later."

"Alright." I laughed, remembering how Isa was irritated at Angelo for picking her up. Even though he is still studying, he can leave that just to pick up Isa. He is that caring.

"I'm leaving, there's something else I need to go to." I stand up and am ready to leave.

His brows furrowed. "Do you have someone with you?"

"Nothing, but I want to walk to my sideline.”

Angelo nodded. "You really like to stroll..."

Seems I know what's going through his head. I don't want to go in his car, I really want to walk now.

"Yes." I smiled and waved my hand. He also waved his hand in response.

As I was walking, I kept thinking about how it becomes easy for me to smile at school with my friends. But then, when I'm alone, I just want to cry.

I held my shoulders and embraced the beauty of this place. La Carles is truly an awesome place to stroll, with green leaves and trees, beautiful flowers that naturally bloom, and fresh and calming air.

Hot tears formed in my eyes. I didn't know that I would really cry now after everything. This exquisite hometown made me wish for better and better days.

"I hope everything goes well." I closed my eyes as my tears finally freed themselves.

How come I can hold my emotions all this time while being completely torn and broken at the same time?

And I finally realized.

There's nothing more broken for me. I have always been broken.

Broken, because I displayed a strong image of myself, while not letting myself grieve. I denied my feelings all this time.

But I don't want to be like that again.

I don't want to deny my loneliness, feelings, and emotions. I want to live with my emotions. Considering that it matters, just as it has always been.