Chapter 4

Emma's POV 

It took me a long time to understand what I was doing. I didn't have the means to care for a baby so why was I insisting on having it? 

As the realization settled in, a mix of emotions swirled within me—confusion, regret, and a pang of sadness. I couldn't help but question my motivations and ponder why I had been so insistent on having a baby despite the glaring reality that I wasn't equipped to provide for one.

From the office, I made a resolve to go back to the doctor and carry on with the abortion. I couldn't let my child suffer the consequences of my own mistake. I couldn't let it linger else I continue building more attachments to my baby. 

I went straight to the clinic and I was answered by a nurse who asked me if I had scheduled time with him. 

Of course not! 

“Ma'am I've been here about two weeks back. I was initially scheduled for last week but I missed my appointment. Can you reschedule another one for me today? It's really important.” I pleaded. 

She asked me to sit while she went through some files. 

Feeling a mix of anxiety and determination, I took a seat in the clinic's waiting area, my mind racing with thoughts of the difficult decision I was about to make. The sterile surroundings amplified my internal struggle, reminding me of the weight of my choice.

After what felt like an eternity, the nurse returned with a sympathetic smile. "I'm sorry for the delay. We have a slot available later this afternoon. Doctor Alex will be the one conducting the abortion process. Can you stay and wait until then?"

Relief washed over me, grateful that they were able to accommodate me on such short notice. "Yes. I'll wait," I replied, my voice laced with a mix of gratitude and urgency.

The nurse, sensing my anxiety, offered words of comfort. "I understand that this is a challenging time for you. We're here to support you every step of the way. If you need someone to talk to or have any questions, don't hesitate to let us know."

Her empathy struck a chord within me, easing some of the burdens I had been carrying. Despite the circumstances, I felt a glimmer of solace in the knowledge that I wasn't alone in this process.

As I sat in the waiting area, my thoughts became a whirlwind of conflicting emotions. Doubts and second guesses tried to creep into my mind, tempting me to reconsider my decision. But deep down, I knew that choosing to proceed with the abortion was the right path for both myself and the potential future of my child.

While waiting, I couldn't help but observe the other individuals in the clinic—people from various walks of life, each with their own stories and reasons for being there. It was a reminder that I wasn't alone in facing such difficult choices and that countless others had grappled with similar decisions before me.

Finally, the moment arrived. The nurse called my name, and I followed her down the hallway towards the procedure room. As the door closed behind me, a wave of emotions washed over me once more, but deep within, I held onto the resolve I had found.

Having been told to change by the nurse, she directed me towards the room I would change. I entered the small changing room, feeling a mix of vulnerability and determination. As I exchanged my regular clothes for the provided hospital gown, I couldn't help but feel a sense of surrealism. The gravity of the decision I was about to make weighed heavily on my mind, but I knew deep down it was the right choice for me.

Taking a deep breath, I composed myself and stepped out of the changing room, ready to face the procedure ahead. The nurse guided me towards the procedure room, her presence a source of reassurance amid my swirling emotions.

Inside the room, I was greeted by Doctor Alex, a calm and compassionate figure. His presence instilled a sense of trust, and his reassuring voice helped to alleviate some of my anxiety. He explained the procedure, ensuring that I understood what would happen and what to expect.

I lay down on the examination table, trying to find comfort in the sterile environment. The room seemed to envelop me, isolating me from the outside world as the reality of the moment sank in. 

Doctor Alex and his team prepared for the procedure with utmost care and professionalism. Their dedication to ensuring my safety and well-being was evident, providing a sense of reassurance in this vulnerable moment. I focused on their expertise, finding solace in the knowledge that I was in capable hands.

As the procedure began, a mix of physical discomfort and emotional release washed over me. Tears welled up in my eyes as I grappled with the weight of my decision. At that moment, I allowed myself to grieve, acknowledging the complex emotions that came with letting go of the potential future I had envisioned.

Throughout the procedure, Doctor Alex and his team maintained a supportive presence, offering kind words and gentle reassurance. Their compassion served as a reminder that I was not alone in this process and that there were caring professionals who understood the difficulties of such decisions.

As it all came to an end, a mixture of relief and sadness washed over me. It marked the closure of a significant chapter, a profound decision made.

"Miss Emma, make sure to visit the nurse before leaving. She will guide you on what steps to take in the following days to ensure your health isn't compromised."

I attempted to respond but found myself choked up, tears streaming down my face. Instead, I nodded, conveying my understanding as best I could.

As the procedure came to a close, a mix of relief and sadness engulfed me. It marked the end of a significant chapter in my life, a decision that weighed heavily on my heart.

After the doctor's instructions, I slowly gathered myself and left the procedure room. Walking down the sterile hallway, I couldn't help but feel a sense of vulnerability and exhaustion. I knew that the physical healing process had only just begun.

Finding my way to a nearby changing area, I stepped inside and closed the door behind me. It was there, in the privacy of that small space, that I faced the reality of what I had gone through. My body, still trembling, began to reveal the aftermath of the abortion.

I carefully removed my clothing, taking note of the blood that stained them. The sight was a stark reminder of the toll this procedure had taken on me physically. It was a somber moment, as I grappled with the conflicting emotions that swirled within.

Leaving the changing area, I made my way towards the front desk where the nurse awaited. Through tear-filled eyes, I approached her, seeking the assistance and guidance I desperately needed.

With gratitude for the nurse's kindness, I clutched the packet of medication in my trembling hands. She had provided me with a glimmer of hope, a lifeline to ease the physical distress I was experiencing. In a barely audible voice, I expressed my thanks, my words a reflection of the raw emotions that lingered within me.

Leaving the hospital behind, I stepped out into a world that felt unfamiliar and distant. The once-familiar surroundings now appeared shrouded in a sombre haze. The sun, once bright and inviting, seemed to lose its radiance as my heart weighed heavy with the weight of my recent journey. It was as if I had been away for years, disconnected from the life I had known.

Seeking solace and longing for the comfort of my sanctuary, I made my way to the train station. Lost in a sea of thoughts and emotions, I became an observer of the world around me, detached and numb. Conversations around me blended into a monotone hum, and I spoke only when spoken to, struggling to maintain composure and keep my voice steady.

Each passing moment on the train felt like an eternity, as my mind wandered through the depths of my experiences. The rhythmic motion of the train echoed the turbulence within me, mirroring the turmoil of emotions I grappled with.

Arriving home, I closed the door behind me, embracing the solitude that awaited. The quietness enveloped me, providing a temporary respite from the external chaos. The only sound that echoed through the walls was the steady beat of my own heart, a constant reminder of my strength and resilience.

Craving a profound sense of rejuvenation and purification, my weary soul sought refuge in the comforting embrace of a long-awaited shower. As the gentle stream of water cascading over my body, I willingly surrendered to its therapeutic touch, allowing it to wash away not only the physical remnants of the procedure but also the heavy emotional burden that had weighed me down.

Ugh! Like it was possible! 

Within the tranquil confines of that sacred bathroom, time seemed to lose its grip on reality. The soothing warmth enveloped me, cocooning me in a cocoon of solace and serenity. It was in those precious moments that I found respite, a brief interlude of respite from the storm that had consumed my world.

Emerging from the shower, I gingerly attended to the practicality of the situation, placing a fresh pad in my undergarments to safeguard against any lingering traces of blood. Then, wrapped in a cosy embrace, I nestled myself in the softness of my bed, seeking solace and restoration.

Seeking a comforting connection amidst the emotional upheaval, I retrieved my phone from the depths of my purse, its cold touch juxtaposed against the warmth of my trembling hands. With trepidation and longing, I dialled Maria's number, her name emblazoned across the screen like a lifeline.

As the first ring dissipated, her voice burst forth with effervescent energy, momentarily lifting the weight from my shoulders. "Em, can we talk later? I'm knee-deep in work at the moment, but I promise I'll reach out to you soon, my sweet friend," she chimed, her words brimming with sincerity and love.

Disappointment mingled with understanding as I resigned myself to the reality of her busyness, silently acknowledging the demands of her own life. The phone slipped from my grasp, coming to rest upon my lap, as a medley of emotions swirled within me.

Wrapped tightly in the security of my cocoon, I gently rested my head upon the pillow, seeking solace in the sanctuary of sleep. However, slumber offered no respite from the vivid and haunting dreams that danced through the corridors of my mind. Each vision played out like a twisted kaleidoscope, taking me from the heart-wrenching sight of a knife piercing through the fragile existence of my unborn child to the chilling image of Doctor Alex, wielding a butcher's knife with an eerie sense of detachment.

The dreams whispered cruel melodies of fear and loss, casting shadows upon the innocence that had once resided within me. In the depths of those nocturnal journeys, I saw my baby, clad in crimson stains, reaching out to me with tiny, bloodied hands, beseeching me to gather them in my arms and offer solace amidst the chaos.