Chapter 4 Penpal

*Ana*

“Have you ever considered taking a pen pal, Ana?” Maddie uses my nickname to grab my attention.

We are walking through the rose garden. It’s the garden of the late Empress Pasul, my mother. It’s the only remains of her reign. Everything else was destroyed, as is the custom in Nochten to purge anything of the dead.

Maybe it’s because of that superstition that no one visits this place. It stays deserted save for when I come. I guess no one else finds the roses pretty.

Well, except for Maddie. She seems to like them as much as I do. 

“Penpal?” I repeat. Maddie is holding up a rose to investigate. She acts like she doesn’t hear me.

What are you going on about now? I am curious. 

It’s grown into a month now since Maddie joined me. But it doesn’t feel like much time has passed. Everything seems fresh and serene- and Maddie is still odd.

She never seems to run out of questions. 

Maddie always has something for me. If she isn’t talking, she has questions. And they are strange ones. But in a way, I don’t hate them.

It feels nice to have her attention.

“Why would I do that?” 

"Why do you think so?" Maddie leans down to fluff my hair. I lean away, unfamiliar with touching, but she stretches her arm further.

Maddie seems to like touching me. Yet another thing that makes her odd. No one else dares to touch me. It’s like I have some wall around me.

“Stop,” I shift away, but Maddie plops her hand over my head. I feel the warmth on my scalp. It makes me grow calm.

“To make a friend, you silly goose.” Maddie goes on with a pat.

“Who would want to do that?”  I can’t fathom it. I had never had to write to anyone else before. I don’t have anyone to write to.

Let alone who will want to write to me back.

“You’re the one being silly, Maddie.”

“Smart-ass,” Maddie laughs. I’m struck by her casual swearing- again, no one dares do that around me. But there she is, moving on past me like it was nothing.

"Wait..." I start after her, and my cheeks grow hot as I try to run to catch up. 

Maddie slows her step to wait for me as I struggle to get up. I’ve never been good at running so it takes me longer to reach her side. But when I do, I’m rewarded- she reaches to take my hand.

What? I hesitate. The gesture is still slightly foreign to me. However, Maddie likes to and does when she can.

I regard her hand before gingerly moving. I take it, and she smiles. Her big fingers curl around mine. Her hands are warm, and that heat climbs up my arm. It’s nice.

“You never know. It can be quite fun.” Maddie winks. 

“But I don’t have anyone to write to,” 

“Yes, you do.” Maddie chirps, But I shake my head. No, I don’t. I know I don’t. Everyone I know is here- and I can go talk to them if I want. But I don’t. 

However, Maddie nods her head.

“Who would that be?” The question makes Maddie smile even wider.

“Well, what about your Father?”

At that, I freeze up as I’ve stepped into a shadow. Maddie glances over to see that I’ve paused. 

“Don’t joke like that.” 

“Don’t you ever wonder what your father could be thinking about?” Maddie speaks. 

"Why would I?" 

I don’t like this question and want to stop. I let go of her hand and folded mine over my stomach. I look at the roses so I don’t have to meet her gaze.

“Maybe your Father could be thinking about you?” Maddie presses on. 

“I’m tired of talking,” I snap and march ahead as I feel tears come up. But I keep walking, and they go away over time. 

“What about your brother?” Maddie threw the question while we were in the study.

“Don’t you want to see the Prince?”

I groan under my breath.

I don’t want to talk about this. And I’ve told her- but Maddie isn’t understanding me. Or she refuses. How does she not get tired of it?

“Maddie, please,” 

“It’s study time.” 

"So?" Maddie moves to take a seat beside me. She leans over to drag the book to her as if to read. But with one look at the picture-less page filled with algebra equations, Maddie gags and pushes it back.

"Good grief! How can you read this stuff?" 

"Easily,"  I laugh at her expression. 

"I could teach you if you like."

"NO. THANKS." Maddie rolls her eyes.

Thinking that the end of the discussion, I start jotting down some notes. The quill scratches the paper in the silence. 

This is nice. I find the break quite peaceful. But it doesn’t last as Maddie can’t seem to keep quiet for long periods of time.

“Prince Nicoli has never gotten to meet you, Ana.” 

I flinch when I hear the name.

“Maddie…” 

Just let it go. 

“I am just saying,” Maddie stands from the table.

“You might deny him the chance to have a big sister.”  And to drive down the point, she rustles my hair before walking out.

I frown as I watch her leave me alone. It makes my stomach feel itchy. But the itch comes from the inside. 

Am I denying him? The question lingers like an itch.

"No, it's study time," I won’t entertain the idea.

I just wanna read. I return to my book to block out any more thoughts, but it doesn’t last long. I lose my focus as the words start to shift on the paper. It frustrates me, and I shut the book and lean back in my chair.

Now she’s messing with my study time. All these damn questions. 

“I wish she’d stop.” I look up at the ceiling. But the sight doesn’t stop the intrusive thought from wandering back in.

Am I? 

“He could be eager to see you, your Empress.” Maddie, again, goes for the umpteenth time. The question is completely unprovoked. 

We are in the rose garden again. Summer has passed, and it is a beautiful autumn day. There is a soft breeze that plays with the strands of my hair.

But I have no fear of it tangling. Maddie has styled my hair with a braid that wraps around my head. It reminds me of a crown.

“Maddie, must we right now?” I protest, but it’s weak. I’m just tired of the onslaught of her questions by now. She is relentless about the topic.

We both sit crossed-legged on the blanket. Our little picnic finished a while ago, but we remain idle until it’s time for the court to begin. And Maddie has taken it upon herself to push roses into my hair. I watch her reach over to pluck another off the bush.

“Prince Nicoli may be thinking of you right now,” Maddie goes.

“And how would you know that?” I push away her hand. My voice is clearly doubtful because I am. 

“There has not been a single word from Dawny. Not father, not anyone.” I look down at the blanket to see a small beetle dare cross the blanket. I cross his path with my finger and carry him back to the grass.

“Four years, I’ve been here and nothing.” The beetle crawls back into the blades to disappear.

“My poor Ana,” Maddie pats my head. She grows quite as if in thought. I relish the pause. I wish we could sit here together and not talk about it.

I like Maddie at this point. And I like spending time with her. It’s nice and warm.

But I don’t like the questions and am tired of fighting.

“Sometimes time can make things much harder to do- more so the older you get.”

“What do you mean?” I look with a mix of mistrust and hope. 

“That Papa- No, the King wants to talk to me?” 

“Maybe the King’s waiting on you to act first.” Maddie reaches to push a strand of hair behind my pointy ears. The act shifts a rose out of my hair and falls down.  I watch it bounce and land on its side.

“For me to act first?”

“I don’t know about this, Maddie.” I have my hand on the quill. The tip is dipped in fresh ink and drips a little on the parchment. 

But I can’t help but keep hesitating. The white paper looks back at me with a mocking grin. I’m scared to touch it. 

“Can’t I just-“

“Come on, Ana!” Maddie cheers. She shakes my shoulders playfully.

”You know I won’t give up until you do.” Maddie winks.

“I know,” 

Never a day has passed that Maddie doesn’t bring it up. She has an ungodly ability to mention it- how they must miss me- they are waiting to hear from me. 

If I didn’t cave at this point, I might have gone insane from the onslaught.

For the sake of peace and sanity. I will. If just for that.

I just hope after, Maddie will calm down, and we will return to our usual lives.

I reach back for the quill but stop again. I know I said I would write, but I can’t help but feel reserved. It’s scary. This is scary for me.

I never had to write to someone. And I don’t know what will happen next.

Thinking about them, Ana sighed wearily.

“Maddie, I don’t think I should do this,” I lower the quill with a heavy exhale.

“Just a simple letter, Ana.” Maddie gives a reassuring squeeze. It hurts a little because I’m sitting stiffly. But I appreciate the warmth of her hands. They make me soften a little.

“Ask how he is- or how you want to meet your brother.” Maddie shakes me. 

“I promise, cross my heart. If you do- I will stop asking.”

“Maddie,” I feel a laugh escape my lips this time.

“Cross my heart,” Maddie winks, drawing a line over her chest with her finger. 

“What if he says ‘no’?” I look back at the empty parchment.

Part of me still wishes she would forget it. Because this is starting to pull up darker feelings inside me. I don’t like them. And I don’t want to think about them and their meaning.

It’s better if I never know. I think to myself.

“What if he doesn’t respond at all?”

“Ah, little Ana.” Maddie burst out with laughter. 

“Wha-?“ Maddie surprises me by throwing her arms around me. It’s a hug- but it’s too much. I  automatically stiffen up. This expression is still too new to be comfortable.

My aunt and uncle never hug me. No one has in the last four years.

Is it normal to hug people? I eye Maddie with some suspicion. Is it? Or is this just something Maddie does?

Or is this something that Dawny does? I think I have vague memories of getting hugged. But that was when I was still very little. And the memories are a little too hazy to be reliable for me.

“Such a little worry-wort,” Maddie lets go. She leans back to look at me. A happy smile is on her face that pulls up her chubby cheeks.

“Trust me, your Empress,” Maddie is confident. She moves to hold the quill over to me.

“Write to him.”

I take it but watch her face. Maddie has a smile that makes me feel warm. And it gives me the courage I didn’t think I had.

"You promise you'll stop with the questions?" 

Maddie nods.

"I only got one heart, and I've already crossed it for you." Maddie winks.

If this works… But I’m afraid to say it out loud. I’m afraid to make myself foolish. It’s better to keep it in.

"Very well," I touch the paper. The ink spreads from the surface to make a neat dot.

Please. I pray in silence as I carve out the first word. My stomach is cramping because I’m nervous. And I feel my heart hit my ribs. 

Please, let this work.