CHAPTER FIVE
My Marriage Is A Devil's Domain I opened the door to my house and wrinkled my nose. It smelled bad, like a dirty bar. I sighed. This wasn't new, but it still made me mad. "Lucy?" I called out. No answer. I walked into the living room. Cigarettes were all over the floor. I sat on the couch, feeling tired from work. "What am I doing here?" I asked myself. I thought about the last five years. I made a big mistake back then, and now I'm paying for it. I heard a noise from the bedroom. Lucy was probably in there, drunk again. I didn't want to go in, but I knew I should check on her. I opened the door slowly. "Surprise!" Lucy yelled. She was wearing red underwear and looked pretty, but I felt sick. "I've been waiting for you," she said, trying to sound sexy. I could smell the alcohol on her breath. It made me want to throw up. "You need to sleep," I said, pushing her away. Lucy got mad. "Don't you want me anymore?" I shook my head. "I'm tired. I had a long day." "Too long for your wife?" she screamed. She grabbed a bottle and drank more. I felt angry. This happened every night. I was sick of it. "Just go to bed, Lucy," I said. She started to cry. "Can't you stay with me tonight?" I saw rose petals on the bed. Lucy tried to be romantic, but it just made me sad. "I have to work," I lied. Lucy got even madder. "Why are you so mean to me?" She threw the bottle at the wall. It broke into pieces. I laughed, but not because it was funny. I laughed because I was so tired of this. Lucy cut her hand on the broken glass. "Look what you made me do!" she yelled. I felt nothing. "You're right," I said. "I don't care anymore." Lucy cried harder. "Mike, we have to keep trying! Don't give up on me!" Then she showed me something. It was a pregnancy test. "It's negative again," she sobbed. "Why can't I get pregnant?" I remembered what the doctor said two years ago. Lucy couldn't have babies because she had too many abortions before. "Let's talk in the morning," I said. But Lucy wouldn't stop. "No! Let's try now. Maybe tonight will be lucky!" I couldn't take it anymore. "Lucy! You can't have children!" I yelled. "Stop acting crazy!" Lucy looked like I hit her. I left the room without saying anything else. The next morning, I smelled food cooking. I wanted to leave without seeing Lucy, but I knew I couldn't. "Good morning, love," Lucy said, kissing my cheek. She didn't smell like alcohol this time. "I made breakfast," she said. "I'm not hungry," I said, walking away. Lucy followed me. "I'm sorry about last night. I'm trying to be better." I laughed, but not in a nice way. "Maybe you should stay away from me. I don't like being around you right now." Lucy looked hurt. "How can you say that to your wife?" "Wife?" I said. "I don't even know what that word means anymore." Lucy got mad again. "You mean like Clara? The wife you cheated on with me?" I felt bad when she said Clara's name. I remembered the day I made Clara leave. "You don't know anything," I said. "Oh, I do!" Lucy yelled. "Are you going to throw me out like you did her?" I started to walk away, but then Lucy said something that made me stop. "Clara is coming back to town!" she yelled. "I got a call this morning. She's coming back, and I bet she hates you!" My heart felt like it stopped. "What did you say?" Lucy smiled, but not in a nice way. "You heard me. Clara is coming back." I couldn't breathe. Clara was coming back? After all this time? "When?" I asked. My voice was shaking. "Soon," Lucy said. "Does that scare you, Mike?" I didn't answer. I just walked out of the house. Outside, I sat in my car. My hands were shaking so much I couldn't put the key in. Clara. I hadn't said her name out loud in years. But I thought about her every day. I remembered the last time I saw her. It was raining. She was crying. "I love you," she had said. But I didn't listen. I was so sure Lucy was the one I wanted. Now look at me. My life was a mess. My wife was always drunk. We couldn't have kids. And I was miserable. I finally got the car started and drove to work. But I couldn't focus. All I could think about was Clara. At lunch, my friend Tom came to my office. "You look awful," he said. "What's wrong?" I wanted to tell him everything. About Lucy's drinking. About how I regretted leaving Clara. About how Clara was coming back. But I just said, "Nothing. I'm fine." Tom didn't believe me. "Mike, I've known you for years. Something's up." I sighed. Maybe I should tell someone. It might help. "Clara's coming back to town," I said. Tom's eyes got big. "Wow. How do you feel about that?" "I don't know," I said. And it was true. I didn't know if I was happy or scared or both. "Are you going to try to see her?" Tom asked. I shook my head. "No. I can't. I hurt her too much." Tom looked at me for a long time. Then he said, "Maybe this is your chance to say sorry." I laughed, but it wasn't funny. "Sorry? For what? For cheating on her? For making her leave? For ruining her life?" "For all of it," Tom said. "Mike, I've watched you these past five years. You're not happy. Maybe talking to Clara will help." I thought about it. Could I really face Clara after all this time? Just then, my phone rang. It was Lucy. "What?" I said when I answered. "I'm at the doctor," Lucy said. She sounded excited. "Mike, they made a mistake before. I might be able to have a baby after all!" I felt like someone punched me. A baby? Now? "Are you sure?" I asked. "Yes!" Lucy said. "The doctor wants to do more tests. But he thinks it might work!" I didn't know what to say. A baby was what Lucy wanted more than anything. But was it what I wanted? "That's... great," I said. But I didn't mean it. After I hung up, Tom looked at me. "What was that about?" I told him what Lucy said. Tom whistled. "Wow. A baby and Clara coming back. Your life is getting complicated, Mike." I put my head in my hands. "What am I going to do?" Tom patted my shoulder. "I don't know, buddy. But you need to figure it out fast." That night, I didn't go home. I couldn't face Lucy. I drove around town instead. Without meaning to, I ended up at my old house. The house where Clara and I lived when we were married. Someone else lived there now. The lights were on, and I could see a family inside. They looked happy. I remembered when Clara and I were that happy. Before I messed everything up. As I sat there, I saw a car pull up. A woman got out. My heart stopped. It was Clara. She looked different. Her hair was shorter. She looked older, but still beautiful. Clara walked up to the house and knocked on the door. The family let her in. I wanted to go up there. To talk to her. To say I was sorry. But I didn't. I just sat in my car and watched. After a while, Clara came out. She was smiling and waving goodbye to the family. Then she turned and looked right at my car. I ducked down, but it was too late. She saw me. Clara walked over to my car. I thought about driving away, but I couldn't move. She knocked on the window. Slowly, I rolled it down. "Hello, Mike," she said. Her voice was calm, but her eyes looked sad. "Hi, Clara," I said. My voice was shaking. We looked at each other for a long time. There was so much I wanted to say. But I didn't know how to start. Finally, Clara spoke. "What are you doing here?" I didn't know what to say. "I... I heard you were back in town." Clara nodded. "I am. For work." "Oh," I said. I felt stupid. Of course she wasn't back for me. "How's Lucy?" Clara asked. She didn't sound mad, just curious. "She's..." I started to say fine, but I couldn't lie. "She's not good. We're not good." Clara looked surprised. "I'm sorry to hear that." I laughed, but not because it was funny. "No, you're not. You must be happy I'm miserable." Clara shook her head. "I'm not happy you're hurting, Mike. I wouldn't wish that on anyone." I felt tears in my eyes. Clara was still so kind, even after what I did to her. "I'm sorry," I said. "For everything. I know it's too late, but I'm so sorry." Clara didn't say anything for a long time. Then she sighed. "It's not too late to be sorry, Mike. But it is too late for us." I nodded. I knew that, but it still hurt to hear. "I have to go," Clara said. "Take care of yourself, Mike." She turned to leave, but I called out. "Clara, wait!" She looked back at me. "Yes?" I wanted to tell her I still loved her. That I made a huge mistake. That I wanted her back. But I didn't. Instead, I said, "I'm glad you're doing well." Clara smiled a little. "Thanks. Goodbye, Mike." I watched her drive away. My heart felt heavy. When I got home, Lucy was waiting. She looked worried. "Where were you?" she asked. "I've been calling all night." I thought about lying. But I was tired of lies. "I saw Clara," I said. Lucy's face got pale. "What? Why?" I sat down on the couch. "It was an accident. I drove by our old house, and she was there." Lucy sat next to me. "Did you talk to her?" I nodded. "A little." "And?" Lucy asked. She sounded scared. I looked at her. Really looked at her. Lucy was beautiful, but she looked tired. Sad. Just like me. "Lucy," I said. "We need to talk." She started to cry. "You're leaving me for her, aren't you?" I shook my head. "No. I'm not leaving you for Clara. But... I think maybe we should leave each other." Lucy cried harder. "But the baby! The doctor said we might be able to have a baby!" I took her hand. "Lucy, a baby won't fix us. We're not happy. We haven't been for a long time." She didn't say anything for a while. Then she nodded. "I know. I've known for a while. I just didn't want to admit it." We sat there for a long time, holding hands and crying. Finally, Lucy spoke. "What do we do now?" I sighed. "I don't know. But I think we both need to work on ourselves. Get healthy. Be happy." Lucy nodded. "You're right. I need to stop drinking. And you need to forgive yourself." I was surprised. "What do you mean?" Lucy smiled sadly. "Mike, I see how you look at Clara's picture sometimes. You never stopped loving her. And you never forgave yourself for hurting her." I felt like crying again. Lucy was right. "I'm sorry," I said. "I tried to love you the same way." Lucy patted my hand. "I know. But we can't force love. We both made mistakes." We talked all night. About our marriage, our mistakes, and what we wanted for the future. By morning, we had a plan. We would get divorced, but stay friends. Lucy would go to rehab for her drinking. I would see a therapist to work on my guilt. As Lucy packed her things, I felt sad but also relieved. For the first time in years, I felt hopeful. I didn't know what the future held. I didn't know if I'd ever see Clara again, or if she'd forgive me. But I knew one thing: I was finally being honest with myself. And that was a start.
