Novels by Pearl Whitney

ELI..I cut through the water, arm slicing, legs kicking. The pool always felt like a haven. It always made me feel clean and my body light. It’s been two weeks and John still refuses to tell me what’s in the letter. Whether my father was out or not hung over my head like a guillotine ready to drop. I didn't know why he was hiding it from me.I climbed out, water dripping from my skin. I reached out for the towel Louis was handing over to me.From the corner of my eyes, I saw an omega boy surrounded by our teammates, their laughter filling the otherwise silent Natatorium. An attention, I’d never get.John was there too, eyes glinting, smile too wide. An ache shot through my chest, and then my stomach twisted. Too hard.My legs moved before my brain caught up, stumbling towards the bathroom. The door gave way for me. My wretching sounds ricocheted off the walls as I threw up. My knuckles lightened as I gripped the wet rim of the sink. My throat burned like my stomach was about to

Zane..A week had passed, but my mind hadn’t. We had a big game tonight. The lights spilled across the rink, blades cutting through the ice, the sharp crack of the puck meeting the stick, usually snapped me into focus.But not tonight.I skated around like a dead man, my mind fixed on that night with Eli. Everything kept replaying. The heat that climbed my stomach when his hands went around me—an alien feeling, confusing as hell.All thanks to my Alexithymia, feelings never lived long, never intense enough for me to care. I didn’t know why this was different.Why my head was still full of him.Which was exactly why I didn’t see the damn puck coming. It should’ve been an easy catch, something I could’ve caught blind on any other day. Yet, the puck sliced past my stick, making it my fifth miss tonight.I hissed.Dempsey, our left winger shouted from across the rink. “Zed! Seriously. Get your head in the game.”I shook the thoughts off, tracking the puck with my eyes. The puck snapp

Eli..I couldn’t think. All I knew was I had to get out of here. I jumped into my briefs, and then my trousers. My hands shook. My thoughts blurred, fragments of memory of that night flashing in: The red and blue light, the siren wailing, the smile he shot at me as the police drove off with him.He’s out. He’s going to kill me.I swallowed, but my heartbeat echoed in my ears.I snatched the closest shirt. Yanked it on. Tottered towards the door.The door swung open, and I bumped into Zane. The glass of water fell, water splashing, glass shattering.“Oh shit,” I hissed, dashing past him. “I-I’m so sorry. I just… I have to go.”I continued, my legs slamming the floor as I hurried out of his apartment, out of the building. I was breathing fast, yet it didn’t fill my lungs.As if on cue, a cab appeared. Hopping in, I flashed my last cash at the driver.“Malcolm hostel.”The drive felt like it stretched eternity, and by the time I arrived at the hostel, my body was already trembling.L

ELI..The moment he swung his shirt over his head, every thought of running away abandoned me.The world narrowed to his body—his broad chest, toned abdomen, and the sharp V of his torso, the veins cutting into his trousers.I shouldn’t be staring, but I couldn't look away.I swallowed once. Twice.But my throat was so dry it hurt.How was this even real?Were all hockey players ripped like this?Zane leaned down, his lips locking with mine, and heat rolled off my skin. He dragged his lips across my jaw, then my throat, circling my Adam’s apple with his tongue as if marking me.A moan slipped out of it before I could stop it. Never in a million years did I think I’d respond to him like this.I shouldn’t enjoy it, I told myself. Enjoying would mean betraying John.But my body didn’t seem to care.Zane kept inching down, planting feather-light kisses, down my neck, down my collarbone.Reaching my chest, he paused, his breath hot against my skin. Slowly, he dragged his tongue over my n

Eli..By 8: 57 p.m., I was already outside the XxX hostel.John leaned against his car, arms and legs crossed, posture too casual. Completely unaffected he’d seemed. As if it didn’t matter. And another man wanting me meant nothing to him.“Relax,” he said, voice detached in a way that made my chest tighten. “It’s just sex. After everything we’ve done? Just fuck him the way you fuck me.”His words punched me colder than the night breeze. Just sex. For him, maybe. But to me, it was the only way I could feel close to him.“Even if you don’t enjoy it.” John continued, “Just bear with it. You remember why we are doing this right?” He grabbed my shoulders, his green eyes piercing through me.My body tightened, but I forced a nod. “Good boy.” John smiled, patting my shoulder. “Zane’s waiting.”He didn’t wait for me to enter the building, before jumping into his car and zooming off. I swallowed down the ache and headed into the building.Inside the communal area, the air shifted into some

Eli..I let myself sink entirely into the sensation of his cock sliding in and out of me, my eyes running down his face, tracing his sharp green eyes, his chiseled jaw, and his…lips. Something surged through me—something I’d had been holding back since I was in high school. The need to kiss him.Audacity, stupidity, maybe both. I threw my hands around his neck, and leaned in, daring to kiss him.A sharp frown crossed his face. “What are you trying to do? I thought I told you not to.” His voice sharp enough to stab my heart.Before I could answer, John flipped me over, my stomach pressing into the mattress.A faint wince escaped me as he shoved my head into the pillow.Pleasure evaporated. Only a frustrating ache, and the reminder that there were two things so far out of my reach—happiness, and John's lips.When he finished, he rolled off me, his chest heaving with satisfaction. While I? I felt dirty…that’s always what sex felt like. I had told myself it was the way his cum trickle