The moment I reach the hospital, I immediately run to the entrance and ask in the Nurse Station for Dion's room. The nurse who assisted me asks what's my relationship with him, and said it is for security purposes.
Ironically, I introduced myself as his friend, when in fact, I turned him down last night. But this is not the time to think about that. I need to see Dion.
As the nurse typed something on the computer, I can help but to tap my shoes on the tiled floor because of a mixture of worry and nervousness. And when the nurse finally told me the number and what floor Dion's room is located, I didn't waste a chance. I did a half-run since the floor is tiled and I might slip if I literally run.
When the elevator opened, I hastily go in and press the number of the floor where I am about to go. Seconds of waiting, the elevator stops and the moment I got out, I searched for Dion's room.
As I finally found it and when I touch the cold metal of the doorknob, my hands went cold and starts trembling. I don't know what I am going to see inside.
Will I see Dion laying in the hospital bed with pale skin and some tubes connected on his body? Or is he already awake?
I twist the knob and heard a click, a sign that the door is now open and I may come in. My heart is beating loudly as I slowly enter the room.
The smell of medicine evaded my nostrils, the air became colder than earlier, and a calm silence greeted me.
My sight landed on the pale man laying on a white bed while his eyes closed. A part of his wrist on his right hand is covered with a bandage or something that I can't name, and there is a tube with a fluid running inside.
Nurse Stell who was sitting on the stool beside the hospital bed rose from her seat when she saw me. She greets me with a simple 'good morning' with a smile, but I can see the worry in the depths of her eyes. Probably just like me, she's worried about Dion. She is a relative after all.
She offered me to sit on the couch first since Dion is occupying a private room. She took a breath before speaking,
"He was okay yesterday. But then when we go home, he looks sad or I don't know. He was silent on the way home, I tried to ask him what's wrong but he just shrugs and told me not to mind him. And even when we reach his house, he was silent and he never talks, even after he ate and when he went upstairs to rest. Then this morning, he had a seizure and a nose bleed before he woke up. I told him to cancel the supposed to be trip today and just take a rest, but he said he's fine and he can manage. And on the way here, he suddenly collapsed so we didn't waste a time and hastily brought him here."
My conscience starts to overtake as I heard her talk about Dion's state last night. I am now starting to think that maybe a part of this is because of me? Because of the words, I said last night, because I turned him down when he only wants a friendship between us.
I bite my lower lip as I feel more responsible for what happened. I can say and think that what I did doesn't have any connection with this one, but I know that my conscience won't ever let me think like that.
I again look at Dion who's lying peacefully in the hospital bed. He looks pale and exhausted, but he looks peaceful with his eyes closed.
My hands suddenly anticipated to gently touch those eyes while they are closed. Those ocean eyes that will drown you with just a look.
A while ago, I am nervous to see him and battling with myself. And now, I am asking him mentally when he will wake up.
"If I didn't say those words to him last night, would this one happen?" I ask in a low voice.
Nurse Stell looks at me with confusion, "What do you mean?"
I let an exhausted sigh and shakes my head. I don't want her to know about that one, she might say something that would make my frustration worst.
"Don't mind me. I'm just worried."
To my surprise, nurse Stell's lips stretched for a small smile. "You are worried. Does that mean Dion is starting to enter your heart? Or he already had a place here," she pointed to the part of my chest where my heart is located.
Now, I look at her with confusion. "W-what do you mean?"
She chuckled and shakes her head. Now, the table was turned.
"Zhanaia, I know that you get what I am trying to say, and you are just acting like you didn't," she said in a low voice with finality.
Looks like she will be the next one who will make this frustration of mine worst than ever.
"Nurse Stell, I'm serious. I don't get what you are trying to say." I tried my best to make my voice convincing. "Why not just tell me what you are trying to point out?"
Again, Nurse Stell chuckled and shakes her head. "It's fine if you act like that. Perhaps what I am thinking is right, and you are being like that because this is your first time and you are still confused with your feelings."
She ended her words with a smile—a meaningful one. She taped my back and told me it's fine, no pressure and I just have to take it easy. And that in time, I'll learn to deal with it and she said she can't wait for that day to come.
Even when she goes out to buy some food, I was still silent for I am trying my best not to say even a single word. Because I know that if I talk, I'll sound defensive or in denial.
Daniel accompanied nurse Stell so I was left here to take care of the sleeping Dion for a while. I stood up and sit on the stool beside his hospital bed. I sighed and bit my lower lip as I see his peacefully sleeping face this close. Although he looks pale and worn out, his handsomeness never fades.
My sight caught his hair. That soft and clean long-cut style, black hair with a touch of chocolate when exposed in sunlight. I had a desire to touch and feel its softness the moment I saw him in the coffee shop back when we officially met. And every day, whenever I see him, that desire grows even more. But I just can't do anything to salivate it.
And now, here I am. Alone in this cold white room with medicinal odor, just looking at Dion who's sleeping peacefully. He wouldn't and would never know what I might do to him as of this moment if I take advantage of the situation.
I can kill him if I want to, but I would never do that. No, ain't a killer. I can do whatever I want, touch him, hug him while asleep, trace or stare at his Greek god-like face, do some silly stuff, and I can even kiss him—
I paused abruptly after I realized what I was thinking. My mind went blank, and can't process for a second or so, and when it finally works again, it was like loading an Internet site slowly due to the poor Internet connection.
My mouth fell open as I realized, I actually wanted to do those things to Dion, and that I am fantasizing about him. And what makes my jaw drop, even more, is when his eyes slowly open, and I swear, as the color of his eyes showed, I feel like I am slowly drowning. But instead of saving myself, I chose to be drowned.
And when his ocean eyes finally laid on me, I know I am already drowned and cannot be saved anymore.
"Sweetheart, you're here."
Fast and abnormal beats of the heart.
Simple things about him make me smile.
I feel something tickles whenever he smile and laugh.
It feels good whenever I'm with him, cracking some corny jokes, doing some silly stuff, and just wondering around.
His smiles make me smile too, and his laughs make me laugh as well.
His presence is comforting.
He can always make my day in an instant.
My mood is bright whenever I'm with him.
Every minute, seconds, and milliseconds that I spent with him seems very special and something that I will never forget.
And the feeling of Dion spending time with someone else makes me..... jealous.
"I think I'm in love," I mumbled under my breath. "Or... I may?"
I look at Dion who's now being checked by the doctor. The nurse checked for his blood pressure while the doctor is asking him what he feels. Dion answers each question with a half-smile on his face. Perhaps he's still tired.
Earlier when he calls me 'sweetheart' as he woke up, the foreign feeling rose again. I felt butterflies in my stomach and the party in my chest. I was silent, I don't know what to say, my throat was dry. And when he confirmed that it was really me, his lips curved into a smile which made my heart melt.
He chants some words I can't remember for I was too clouded with the feeling I can't name—or feeling I chose to deny again rather.
When nurse Stell and Daniel came back, they immediately called the doctor. And I was told to just watch them as they check Dion and be quiet. Nurse Stell and Daniel are acting as his legal guardian in the hospital record so I don't have a choice but to obey. I am just a nobody here. And it brings a fang on my chest knowing that I am nothing or just an extra in the picture.
The doctor instructed Dion to take more care of himself, avoid this and that, and so on. He was also told not to miss his daily medicine, because true to Dion's words, his medicine helps to prevent the bleeding on his head that can lead him to death.
I was silent the whole time, and when the doctor finally goes out of the room, I heard Dion called me by my name.
I faced him and hummed as a response. His smile wides and asks me,
"Can you bring me to Old Town later at night? To the bridge where we can have that romantic scene in movies and some romance books. And let's go there by dawn so we can watch the sunset. Please, sweetheart?"
There is something in his voice that I can't figure out what. I don't know if it's just me but I know he's up on something.
I painted a smile on my face. "Yea, sure. Let's go there by dawn."
There is also something in his voice that made me say yes. His phrase, 'where we can have that romantic scene on movies and romance books' sounds suspicious to me.
His smile widens even more. He sighed in relief before he diverts his attention to nurse Stell.
"Did you buy food? I'm kinda hungry." he pouts which put a small smile on my face.
Daniel showed him the paper bags where the foods they bought are stored. Dion nods his head and Daniel started to unpack the foods.
Vegetable salad, boiled potatoes, boiled eggs, sliced bread with mayo, sterilized milk, and fresh coconut juice. No fatty foods were allowed.
Nurse Stell prepared Dion's food on a paper plate, as well as hers, Daniel, and I. Well, I tried to insist and told them I'm fine but these people are persistent. So, in the end, I eat.
They are talking about some random things, a wide smile is painted on their faces while their voices are loud and cheerful. The room that is too silent earlier is now filled with laughter. I would just smile whenever they ask me something or sometimes talk if needed.
I am giving my focus to Dion's laugh and his soft voice that sounds like a sweet lullaby. His laughter is like a sweet melody from somewhere, and I can't help but to listen attentively and try to stick all the notes in my head.
I mentally shake my head as I realized my sudden mood swings. Yesterday, I turned down Dion's friendship. This morning, I am in between I wanted to see him and continue the trip, or it is better if we stay away from each other. Earlier, I kinda fantasize about him, and now I am giving my full focus on him.
"What's happening to you, Zhanaia?" I ask myself in a very low voice, careful not to be heard by them.
Again, I took a deep breath to calm myself and start thinking of ways how to get out of here. Dion doesn't want me to go home, he wants me to stay here till we go to Old Town. But I know if I remain here, I would be doomed.
Caroline is right, and so is Nurse Stell. I am in denial, I don't want to accept what this feeling might be, or more on I am scared to accept it because I don't know what to do. I don't have an experience when it comes to this, and this is my first time.
And the fear of, if I admit what I feel, would he feel the same way? Or it would be just me all along. And if he does feels the same way, what would happen? Will we be more than friends or what? And if we will be more than friends, would we last? Especially in his condition?
A lot of questions starts bombarding my head. I close my eyes tightly as I try to push them all away. But they are too persistent to stay in my head and make me confuse and frustrate me even more.
I opened my eyes when I heard Dion's worried voice. The three looking at me with a mixture of confusion and worry in their eyes welcomed my sight. I blink thrice before I try to construct some words.
But before I could even say a thing, Dion suddenly stands up, but the dextrose stops him from walking, the tube is not that long.
"How do you feel? Are you having a headache? Do you need medicine, water, or what? Just tell me."
I don't know how and what to react to. Worry is visible in his voice, and just like the last time, it affects me, in an unexplainable way.
"I-I'm fine. No need to worry." I mumble.
He doesn't look convinced but he nodded and sit back on the hospital bed. He offered me food which I refused and told him I'm not hungry, he insisted but I didn't accept it again.
"No, thanks. I'm fine." I smiled, trying to convince him.
I can see that he still wants to say something but he stopped himself, instead, he smiled back and nodded.
"Okay, if you say so. Just tell me if you need anything."
I nodded unconditionally and tried to make myself comfortable. I stayed there for the rest of the time without talking, just listening silently to them while they are happily talking. Dion looks fine now and well, but I can see that he's still a bit exhausted.
By afternoon, Dion got discharged and was told to take more care of himself and rest. Dion was silent the whole time the doctor is talking about his condition, while I, nurse Stell, and Daniel listening attentively to the doctor.
What did he tell me was right. His condition is in the worst state, anytime he can bleed to death, and his medicines, and taking care of himself are the only thing that prevents the bleeding. The doctor said he can still undergo a surgery, but there's no assurance that he'll survive and get better. Dion mentioned this one before.
"No worries. I already accepted the fact that I will die soon, doctor. I am just waiting for my time. I am ready." he smiled, but not the happy one.
And I don't know if it's just me or I saw the hesitation in his eyes when I look at it.
The last time that Dion talk to me that he already accepted his coming death, he was so sure. But now, if it is true that he's hesitant, then what could be the reason why he seems to be hesitating right now?
Presently, I am in Old Town with Dion. As he has planned earlier, after he got discharged from the hospital, he went home to change and take a rest first before we headed here. And on the way, Dion seems bothered. He was silent and didn't talk even a word, even after he got discharged from the hospital.
We are currently standing at the heart of Muhlesteg Footbridge, a bridge famously known because of its array of love rocks. From here, we can see the beauty of the lake at night. The night sky is clear, the moon that is shining so bright, illuminating the water, together with the thousands of twinkling stars giving a glow and romantic vibe to the scenery.
And I know that at this moment, we look like a picture of a couple spending some time to this perfect place for a romance movie. So sweet, so romantic, so young, so in love.
But then again, there's the reality. We look like a couple, but we are not a couple. The relationship between us is still unclear, plus the thing that happened last night.
It is only the two of us here. Nurse Stell and Daniel are somewhere, Dion will just text them if he wants to go home already.
We were both silents for a time being, but the silence is not deafening. Just a calm one, a calm silence where each of us appreciates the beauty of the moon night scenery.
A few minutes later, Dion broke the serenity between us as he softly speaks the words,
"This is a perfect place for a very important event in your romance life, don't you think, sweetheart?"
Unconsciously, I painted a small smile on my lips when I heard him call me 'sweetheart' again, the endearment he's now using to me. For some reason, I wasn't bothered by the endearment like how I used to. Perhaps I am being used to it as well? Yea, maybe that's it.
With a small smile painted on my lips, I hummed as a response. I heard him took a deep breath before he settled his sight to the scene in front of us, the water of Limmat River illuminated by the moonlight.
"And because of that, I want to take this opportunity to do what I was planning to do. I have been thinking about this one for quite some time now since I started feeling this. And after a week of thinking, I've finally decided what to do." He took another deep breath. "You know I don't have much time in this world, right?"
I blink before I look at him, he looked at me too, his ocean eyes are glowing, and it is pleasing my sight.
"I am aware of your condition," I answer. "But I don't believe you don't have much time in this world."
He tilted his head as he looks at me intently. "What do you mean?"
Now, I was the one who took a deep breath and focused my gaze on the scenery in front of us.
"You can still recover, Dion. You can still live longer." I mumble. "And I highly believe that. All you have to do is to give it a try and trust yourself, believe that you can do it."
I heard his sexy chuckle. "You believe that?"
"Yea," I answered without any hesitation.
From my peripheral vision, I saw him put a small smile on his lips. "And what makes you think of that?"
"Well, I highly believe that, as long as there is life, there is hope. As simple as that."
I look at him again and saw him smiling proudly. I was about to ask but before I could even say a thing, he spoke,
"Looks like I can no longer be saved."
He was smiling while saying those words. I thought that it is regarding his condition again but then he cast the words I wasn't expecting to hear from him.
"You know what, Zhanaia, I think I am falling for you."
The world stops revolving the moment I hear that, my heart starts beating fast as well, so fast that I can almost hear its beats and it's deafening. And when he spoke again with his voice full of affection, my heart hammered and I feel like it is about to explode.
"Oh, no, scratch that one. Let me rephrase it."
"I think I have fallen for you, Zhanaia. And I am still falling deeply."
