He closed his eyes again. He was hallucinating.
All right, there's not a day that passed without him thinking about this person. He was always in his prayers.
But it couldn't be.
When Sidhiel opened his eyes again, it was confirmed. The tall and well-built figure standing on the doorway with quizzical brown eyes was indeed Kalyx Brier. The man he had admired for as long as he could remember, was standing in front of him.
The man was smiling widely at him.
"K-Ka.."
He can't even say his name.
"K-Kalyx..?"
"Why, Sidhie, you've grown up! What took you so long? Did you know that I've been waiting for you here for hours?" Kalyx said in a flash without stopping.
Sidhiel just continued staring at Kalyx. His cerulean eyes were wide with surprise. His mouth was even slightly parted.
"You might catch flies." Kalyx teased.
He immediately closed his mouth. He felt his face getting hot with embarrassment.
"W-What are you d-doing h-here?" He finally uttered.
"I thought your stuttering had long been gone? Why are you stuttering again now? Don't tell me.." Kalyx's grin was mischievous.
Sidhiel was about to enter the house but Kalyx blocked his way.
"I see that you're still a walk-out prince until now. Didn't you missed me, Sidhiel?" Kalyx asked with a smile still plastered on his face.
Sidhiel can't do anything but to stay in his place. Like before, he leaned his head down. Kalyx's question struck him.
"Now, tell me, what took you so long to get back home? Where did you go?" Kalyx's smile was replaced by his furrowed eyebrows.
"I just went somewhere," Sidhiel answered timidly.
"Next time, don't stay out at this late hour of the night. You know that it's not safe." Kalyx warned him like a big brother.
"Go inside now. We don't want Aunt Diehl to wake up and see that you just arrived. We will talk some other time." Kalyx gave way to him, but not before surprising him with a lingering peck on the forehead.
He just stood frozen, even after Kalyx walked out the door. Instead of closing it, he turned and followed Kalyx with his eyes.
"By the way, you could at least say 'goodnight'." Kalyx said smiling and turning to face him again, walking backward.
"G-Goodnight."
Kalyx had long been gone but Sidhiel was still standing by the door. He still can't believe that the man standing in front of him a while ago was none other than Kalyx.
He just decided to finally move his feet towards his room when he remembered that his mom might come down and see him.
Gosh, he looks bigger than life, he thought while lying on his bed. He looks good. He is more handsome than ever. He looks like a person who knows what he wants and knows how to get it. He looks..
Sidhiel let out a deep breath.
He looked like Kalyx as he had envisioned him to be.. successful, fulfilled, a man of the world.
He remembered what Eara used to tell him before. "What are you gonna do now, big brother? It looks like Kalyx is already successful in the States while you still don't know what it is that you really want to do. How will Kalyx like you?"
"I'm sure Kalyx prefers someone who is successful like him. I heard from Aunt Alena that a lot of boys and girls in the States are pinning for him."
"Eara, you don't have to say that to me. I don't fancy Kalyx. You're the only person who thinks that way." That's what he usually defends to Eara.
She will just raise her eyebrow at him. He knows that she doesn't believe him.
Well, it's true. He will never be good enough for Kalyx. The man had gone so far.
Unlike him.
*****
Sidhiel hugged Mr. Ted. "He didn't like me then, he won't like me now," he sadly said to the stuffed toy that had been with him since he was three years old.
Sidhiel had admired Kalyx from a young age even though he always teases him. He doesn't know why his admiration towards the older boy did not disappear. Maybe because he can see in his brown eyes the concern he has for him even though he annoys him.
Kalyx would always give him chocolates and candies, although he tells him that it was to straighten his speech.
There was still a part of him that wouldn't give up on believing that Kalyx cared for him. That he really cared for him.
He already loves Kalyx even before the older boy went to New York. That's why Kalyx's departure caused immense sadness for him.
In all honesty, the two of them never had a serious conversation. He can't even call him a friend. But just knowing that Kalyx was there for him gives him a sense of calmness. Just seeing Kalyx makes him happy. And he's fine even with just that.
When Kalyx went away, Sidhiel felt like he lost a best friend.
They hadn't seen each other for ten years. When Kalyx went back to London after graduating from college, he was at Harvard already and studying.
When it was time for Sidhiel to go back to London after getting his MBA, Kalyx went back to New York to accept a position offered to him by a famous engineering firm.
Kalyx was a civil engineer by profession. Aunt Alena said that Kalyx had always been fascinated with roads and bridges and dams. Then as years passed, his growing preoccupation towards physics and mathematics led him to take up Civil Engineering in college.
Sidhiel knows almost everything about Kalyx because he never let any news about him pass by.
He knew Kalyx had fought his way up to have his own consultancy firm based overseas. It was slowly gaining a good reputation which was why the man spent more of his time overseas.
Kalyx goes to different places. His firm was so successful that his consultancy firm had three branches by now: one in New York, another in Canada, and a recently opened branch in Singapore.
"You see, Mr. Ted, he had gone so far now. It's impossible for me to reach him."
Why haven't I changed? He scolded himself. How can I fall in love with a man at thirteen and never really change?
Of course, he had changed, he quickly amended himself. He's not stuttering now. He was the head of the financing department of one of the biggest companies in London. And finally, an opportunity had finally knocked on his door for him to finally show his talent in painting.
Not enough though, said the other part of his brain.
But it was true. His so-called achievements were nothing compared to Kalyx's.
He loved Kalyx since he was thirteen, yes. But he expected those feelings to disappear when he left because then, he won't see him always. But it never happened. He had never really gotten over him.
That's why he was so shocked when he saw him again. Kalyx did say he was grown-up but he told it in such a way that it made him feel as if he could never grow up enough for him.
Yes, you're right, Kalyx. I have grown up. Only you don't know just how much. Oh, why did you have to come home? When I don't have anything to be proud of yet? How will I cope with you around?
Kalyxhad been lying on his bed for a long while now but his mind is still very much awake.The sweet smile on his lips hasn't been erased yet.He suffered ten long years of not being able to see Sidhiel'sbeautiful face. He had no choice but to be contented with the photos of Sidhielthat his mom sent him.Earlier, while waiting for the boy, he can't help himself from worrying when night came and Sidhielstill hasn't come home.It was nine-thirty when he told his Aunt Diehlthat he will wait for Sidhiel. Diehlhad already retired in her room but Kalyxwas still left worrying in the big living room. Still hoping for the only person he had been anticipating to see, to finally arrive.Exactly ten o-clock when he decided that he will just wait on the front porch of the house. And imagine his surprise and happiness when upon opening the door, he saw a close-eyed Sidhiel.He can't forget the expression on Sidhie
"What's the problem with your car?" Kalyxasked upon nearing him.Sidhieljust wished that he doesn't look so bad. He felt so small beside Kalyx, because he literally is smaller than the man.No word came out of his mouth. He thought that this was better than stuttering infront of him."Let me see your car." Kalyxheldthe hood of his car.Sidhieljust stood there watching Kalyxwhile the latter was checkingthe engine of his car."The problem was the radiator. You also need to tune this up." Kalyxsaid after a few minutes."I-Is that so? Thank you. I can handle it from here. You should go." He said wanting to get away from Kalyx."Where will you go? Why does your car seem so full?" Kalyxasked not commenting on Sidhiel'swords."I just had to go somewhere important.""I think it's better if I just drive you to where you're going," Kalyx said."Huh? Uhm.. I d
Sidhiel'sface felt hot. If Kalyxwas trying to make him feel uncomfortable, he was succeeding."And because you don't want to talk to me properly. When I asked you questions, your answer is so short like you're allergic to me. This is better." Kalyx said, still grinning.Sidhiellooked down at his fingers at the same time that the waiter came back with their orders."Okay, I'll talk to you. But stop staring at me." He said when he liftedhis head again."All right. Shoot.""A-Are you staying f-for good?" He cursed himself for stammering.Kalyxlaughed. "Hey, you're stuttering again. Why?"Instead of answering, he just focused on his food. Maybe, it would be better if he just ignore Kalyx. After all, he can't match him."Why can't you at least try to be mad or snobbish?" Kalyx commented amusedly. "Before, during our childhood days, you don't fight back even when you're annoyed at me. You will just look
"I don't know why I reacted that way, Dad. I just said all those things to Kalyx." Sidhieladmitted in front of his father's tombstone. That's where his feet brought him. He expects that if he tells his father what happened between him and Kalyx a while ago, the tension he's feeling will decrease. But he wasn't succeeding. "Ahh!" He rubbed his face with his hands. "I'm stupid, stupid, stupid. Why Dad? Why does every time I see him, all I can envision and think is how far we are from each other? I feel like, I don't even have the right to be his friend. I don't know, Dad. I hate this feeling. Why do I always feel like I'm nothing compared to everyone." "I tried to do what you told me, Dad. You know, that ‘believing-in-yourself’thing. I swear I tried. Sometimes, I succeed. But a lot of times, I fail." Sidhielcried because of frustration. " I think, Mommy is right. That I am heading nowhere. That I will just stay like this. I wou
A lot of minutes had passed but Sidhiel'sheart is still racing. Whew! What happened during dinner was tough. It was not him that Earakept on interrogating but it felt like he was the one on the hot seat. Good thing he thought immediately of a way out. He was thankful that he doesn't need to hear Kalyx's answer because he will surely get hurt. What kind of person in his right mind would like to date someone as simple and plain as him? Certainly not Kalyx. Heissure that Kalyxwould want to be with someone that is intelligent and fun to talk to and be with. Not like him who shakes with nervousness and stammers when spoken to. But he was surprised by how Earadescribed him. They both know that she was referringto him. A simple person but very beautiful in their own way. Those were Eara's exact words. This is the first time that Eara complimented him. His father would often tell him how gorgeous he is
"W-What are you doing here? H-Have you been there since..? D-Did you see..?" Sidhielasked Kalyxsequentially. Kalyx was not answering his questions yet but his face already started coloring red. He already knows what the answer to his questions was. Oh, Gosh, why does he have to see me like this? Sidhielwailed in his mind. "Take a deep breath, sweetheart," Kalyx instructed. Sidhielinvoluntarily obeyed Kalyx. He took several deep breaths. Then, Kalyx's word sank in his mind. Did he hear Kalyxright? Did he really call him 'sweetheart'? He eyed Kalyxthrough his lowered eyelids. Kalyxwas grinning. He scowled. Kalyxwas surely teasing him again. "Are you ready for my answers, Sid?" Kalyxasked mischievously. "To all of your questions, 'yes' is my answer. Yes, I've been here since you came down. Yes, I saw your performance. Ye-" Kalyxsuddenly
Kalyxsmiled at himsoftly.Then he bent his head again to kiss Sidhielagain. This time, it wasn't just a light kiss. It was deeper and passionate.Sidhiel doesn't know how to respond. He just closed his eyes and mimicked the movement of Kalyx's lips. He felt light-headed. He fisted Kalyx's shirt under his palms. Kalyx's hands traveled down Sidhiel's sides causing the boy to shiver at the warmth seeping through his shirt from Kalyx's hands.Kalyx's hands gripped Sidhiel'swaist and pulled him closer until they were chest to chest. He banded his arm around Sidhiel'swaist while his other hand traveled up, cupping the back of Sidhiel'shead and tilting it to accommodate their kiss even more.Kalyxnipped Sidhiel'supper lip, not stopping untilit was swollen. Then he focused on the lower lip, biting it and eliciting a gasp from Sidhiel. He thrust his tongue in the boy's mouth and roamed around, tasting it.
"I was about to tell you the reason, but it looks like I don't have to because you don't care. Get inside. I'll go ahead." Kalyx walked past him and went straight out of the gate.He wanted to call after him and stop him from leaving but shyness had crept up on him again. Besides, why is Kalyx so angry?Sidhiel shook his head and entered the house. He saw their long-time cook and helper, Mrs. Porter."Oh, Sid, you'd arrived. Have you talked to Kalyxalready?" She asked."Yeah." He answered shortly."He'd been waiting for you since five pm. Have you seen the flowers and his gift for you?""What?" He exclaimed. "W-Where?""There." She pointed towards the sofa. On the center table was a bouquet of flowers. Beside it was a big paper bag.He walked towards it and took it. He bid goodnight to Mrs. Porter and went up to his room.He put the flowers in a vase and giddily stared at it. Then, he opened the paper bag and pulle