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Chapter Twenty-Five
Sam
It’s almost terrifying to watch Theo on the edge of a breakdown. When his anxiety is through the roof and he’s focusing all his energy on something, he’s an unstoppable force. His hair is falling around his face, wild and uncombed, just the way I prefer it. His movements are frantic as he is flipping through his books. I don’t know how he has the concentration to switch between books so quickly.
Tomorrow is the defence of his dissertation, and he’s been restless all week. It’s an enormous deal. He gets to stand in front of a jury and talk about his research topic until he convinces them he’s worthy of being awarded the degree. I’ve never attended one of these ceremonies, but I’m madly curious about it.
Now I’m here to witness him the night before, during the event, and then stay after to celebrate with him. I’ve no doubt in my mind that he’ll pas
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a drink we call loneliness Chapter Twenty-Six
Sam Andrea asked Theo if she could come to witness the whole thing. I casually mentioned it over breakfast one day and her eyes lit up. She said she loves these kinds of ceremonies. It didn’t take long for his doctorate to become a frequent topic of conversation between them. They’re mad about academia in general, so that’s something else they have in common, besides their music and literature taste. They spend hours talking about their favourite Shakespeare analogies and the hidden meaning behind Ana Karenina while I get dinner ready on the times she and Jack come over. He once fell asleep on the sofa. That’s how bored he was with their whole conversation. That makes things easy for me, though. because I can simply ask her for recommendations to surprise Theo. It’s all pretty fucking great, to be honest. I made the suggestion sheepishly. I didn’t know if he’d be down for it with all his anxiety, but he was over the moon to be asked that. She helped him p
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Twenty Seven
TheoI close the door behind us, Sam turns and looks at me with a guilty grin, like he’s hiding a giant secret. “Wait here. Just for a sec,”I shrug, a habit I’ve picked up from him. I was never one for giving noncommittal answers, but now I’m all for it. Saves you a lot of anxiety. He runs inside, and I use this moment to sort myself out.I take my shoes off, drop my keys on the foyer table and head to the kitchen and pour myself a tall glass of water. It’s delicious in my throat, just the right kind of cold, and for a moment it feels like I’m coming home alone, back in my previous single status. I’m still thinking about that when his footsteps approach, and then he’s here. He’s holding a giant daffodil bouquet.It’s so lovely. My eyes are starting to water as he approaches me. I hear my voice cracking as I say, “Sam,”
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Twenty-Eight
TheoI can’t help but let the wave of sadness that fills my chest drag me down. I feel guilty, like I did something wrong. Like He’ll finally see who I am and now that he’s gotten what he wanted, he’ll get up and leave.He’s going to leave me. Loud laugh Sam, with his pretty lashes and his fluffy dog is going to leave me now. I can feel it. He’ll withdraw his arms from me in a second and get dressed, even at this hour. My tears are rolling freely, and I tuck my cheek in, trying to hide my face from him. The room isn’t even that dark, since he insisted on keeping the lamp on my bedside table on, and right now, I curse the light that shines on my face. I don’t want him to think I care. If he leaves now, I can at least try to pretend for a bit and once he’s gone, I can finally crumble.At first, I don’t think he notices, but then I feel him lean over me. I stay dea
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Twenty- Nine
SamEver since universities are on summer break, and Theo’s dissertation is done, he spends most of his time at my flat. He’s always doing something on his laptop, has his nose buried in a book or is out on one of his on long runs. I try to keep my daily routine, waking up early, work and then, during the evenings is where it changes. We spend every second of our time together, not always talking, but always in the same room. It’s not like my flat is big at all, but it’s nice to think about it.Today, he’s coming over to spend a whole week here, so I think it’s only fair that I give him some space for his stuff.I have a metal shower caddy that hangs over my shower head, so I clear the top shelf and accommodate my shampoo and body wash in the bottom one. Then, I empty one of the drawers in my dresser, shoving my underwear that was there in my sock drawer. It’s not like I have that many, anyway.My bathroom counter
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Thirty
Sam’s stumbling around the room wakes me up. I roll over and tuck my hands between my thighs. Now that he’s opened the door to his bedroom, it’s so cold. I glance at his old alarm clock on the nightstand and I barely make out the time: 6:35 a.m. I groan and throw my arm over my eyes. I don’t really know how he does it. By this time, before leaving for work, he has already showered, eaten breakfast and is all bouncy, smelling of his fresh cologne. Meanwhile, I’m losing the battle against sleep. I feel him kissing me good morning, a soft, gentle kiss that’s borderline sexy, but I grin against his lips anyway. “Bye.” I mumble. He kisses my cheek as a reply and I resist the urge to pull him back into bed. His breath smells like coffee and it instantly makes me crave a nice, sweet latte, not the ghastly instant stuff Simon likes to drink. Maybe later I’ll drop by the coffee shop downtown. It’s not like I have much planned. He tosses his house keys at
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Thirty-One
TheoI’ve only driven him once to work, but it’s a good fifteen minutes away from the flat. Most of the way there we’re quiet, and I can tell he’s exhausted by the way he’s leaning on the window, with his hands tucked into the front pocket of his sweatshirt. He looks cozy this way, and I can’t help but reach and grab one of his hands.I don’t know what he’s done to me, but I can’t stop touching him. He squeezes my hand in return and grins lazily.Once we’re parked outside, Sam grabs his backpack and turns in his seat.“Wanna wait? Or you can just go home, it’s fine, I can call a cab when I’m done, or usually, I just crash at the clinic if it’s too late,” he explains like he thinks I will let him do that.I click my tongue, “Actually, can I come with you?”I don’t know why I asked that, I’ve got nothing to do at his
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Thirty-Two
Sam I wake up feeling uneasy before my alarm goes off. There’s a feeling in my stomach that I can’t shake, like something is terribly wrong. I sit up quickly and try to make sense out of my room. It’s still dark outside. I pat on the bed, searching for Theo, and his absence scares me. He never wakes up before I do, not even when I sleep in on Sundays. My eyes burn a little as I squint and try to see if he’s in the bathroom, but from my bed, I can see the door is open and there’s no light coming from the inside. I’m up in a second, throwing on a sweatshirt from my pile of clothes and heading outside of my bedroom to find him. He’s not in the hallway, and he’s not at his keyboard. My chest feels tight, fear cooling my veins. What if he’s lost? What if he’s hurt? What if he left me. The long curtains in the living room flail around and catch my eye. The balcony is open wide. I spot him outside, sitting in one of the plastic chairs. He’s wearing my black
a drink we call loneliness Chapter Thirty-Three
TheoI can’t help but choke up as I help Bryce do his tie properly. I know it’s not like anything is going to change, but it’s a cathartic experience to watch my cousin-slash-longtime-best-mate get married.I tug one last time and Elias passes him his tailcoat. I sigh as I take a look at him, and it dawns on me how special this moment is. We’ve been here all morning, in his childhood bedroom reminiscing of our favourite moments with Bryce and toasting to him with Champagne. Even a couple of his friends from uni joined us, and it's been an emotional journey for everyone involved.This is where we grew up, first it was only Bryce and I, and then when we started boarding school Elias joined us. We spent countless hours plotting and messing around and finding activities to keep us busy during long, boring summers, which eventually led to illegal drinking and then to not coming here at all.His stag party was a joke. It was held at my p
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