CHAPTER FOUR

“Again! Yen, mind the tempo, please.”

Ugh, damn.

I groaned in frustration, dropping the drumsticks on the monobloc chair near me. We’ve been trying to sync sounds for the past two hours and we haven’t achieved anything at all. Even with the aircon blasting inside the room, I was still dripping in sweat, and my wrists are already starting to hurt.

“Hiro, let’s take a break. We can’t keep going on like this,” Lev suggested calmly, standing up from his seat in front of his keyboard.

I can’t believe it is this hard to sync in with everyone during actual practice with a band. I keep losing my rhythm, messing up the tempo, and out-sounding the melody carrier. This is embarrassing. I was so confident that I will do well!

“Ah, my fingers hurt.” I heard Boaz mumble before putting his guitar down.

Seon also removed the sling from his shoulder and put his guitar down. Hiro was wiping his sweat while drinking water from his tumbler. Lev proceeded to review the piece arrangement. I, on the hand, was fiddling with my fingers anxiously. 

No one was saying anything, but we all know that I was the one who kept on prolonging the practice for too long. Not to mention, we are stuck on the intro and can’t move forward because of me.

I looked down at my shoes and nibbled on my lower lip in silence. This is reality. I really am too inexperienced to dream of joining a band by auditioning. I thought I can do it, but this is hard. 

“Hey, it’s fine. It’s your first time, it’s understandable that you find it hard.” 

Lev patted my shoulder twice and nodded goodbye to Hiro after cleaning up. It’s been approximately five hours since I arrived here, and it was the worst five hours of my life so far. The whole time we were practicing, I was ruining the whole practice. Everyone was considerate enough to kindly offer me advice, but even executing that wasn’t done well. I was so bad!

“Don’t give up!” Boaz cheered me up before exiting the room. 

He even raised his fist for extra effort, and that made me laugh a little. Ah, I’m not emotionally feeling well today. For sure, I’ll be all depressed later when I arrive at my condo, and the scene earlier would play in my mind non-stop. Then I’d beat myself up for doing bad.

Man, this is making me so pessimistic.

“Want me to send you home?” Hiro asks, pulling the strap of his backpack on his shoulder.

“It’s fine. I’ll still need to buy groceries or I would starve.”

"It’s already late. Are you sure you don’t want company?”

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, preventing myself from laughing.

“Hiikan Roy, I’ve been living independently since senior year in high school. This is nothing,” I assured him.

He laughed lowly and patted me on the head, “Well, aren’t you a big girl now? It still feels like yesterday when you were running around the school grounds with snot on your nose.”

My face soured and hit him lightly on the gut, “I wasn’t running around all snotty! I don’t remember doing that.” I sounded so defensive.

“Snot face,” he teased, and I ran after him on the stairs.

If he weren’t my friend, I wouldn’t have hit him lightly earlier. Maybe I already punched him straight to his jaw and knock him out for good. He hadn’t changed at all. Teasing is still his favorite pastime.

“Oh, hey. Seon.”

I stopped just a step behind Hiro when we both saw Seon standing in front of the building with his guitar case resting on his back. 

“I thought you had already headed home, man.” Hiro stood beside him, and I stood beside Hiro awkwardly.

He has been silent the whole time earlier. When everyone was trying their best to help me, he was just minding his own business in the corner. I know he dislikes me, and I dislike him too. Now that we’re in this situation, being in the same band, everything feels awkward. Especially after knowing he’s my inspiration before!

Imagine the person who made you pursue music and strive, is also the person whom you find repulsive and annoying in the present. He’s also rude on top of all that. When he was a kid, he looked so much gentler and kinder. Well, in my imagination anyway! He was glowing in my eyes. Was!

Right now, he just looks dull. Lackluster even.

“I’m waiting for my cab,” he says as he took a short glance at me, and shifted his gaze back to his phone.

My eyebrows furrowed in confusion. What was that for? He just gave me the stink eye, didn’t he? Seriously, if he has some kind of problem with me (obviously he has a lot), he can just voice it out like usual. He didn’t have to give me the silent treatment and make me anxious more than I already am.

“That’s great,” Hiro says, smiling. 

I shifted my weight on my feet uncomfortably. The silence enveloping us got me feeling suffocated, and we let the sound of a busy night street fill my ears. Hiro didn’t say anything anymore, nor did Seon. I have nothing to talk about either, not with the suspected mass cat killer around.

There are a lot of things I want to ask of Hiro, though. Like his college course, about his mom and dad, and his well-being. All things that friends would talk about. I mean, it’s been years since we last saw each other. We are also not very active on text, so I have no idea what he does right now.

“And, that’s my ride.” I saw his shoulders move up and down, heaving two consecutive breaths as he waved us goodbye. 

I nibbled on my lower lip. 

Damn, it’s way more awkward now that we’re left alone. I want to run away.

I wasn’t sure how I survived that uncomfortable silence, but after a few minutes, his cab came and he drove away without a word. The next thing I remember was picking up food from the stalls inside the department store. Then I headed home, and before I knew it, I was back in school. 

The place is crowded for a weekday. I can see university students, customers, and delivery drivers going in and out of the pizza place from where I am. There are a few square-shaped benches just across the busy store, each packed with people sharing laughter with each other. The bustling street of the university road seemed busier than usual, given that it was almost lunchtime.

Alison and I agreed to meet up at the university plaza, so it won’t be too far when we go back to our respective buildings after we’re done eating. She messaged me about fifteen minutes ago that her professor just gave a surprise recitation and she’ll be running late.

Man, she is really running late, and I’m so hungry.

“Hey, sorry for making you wait.”

I immediately turned my head around, only to see Alison with disheveled hair and unkempt clothes. She was sweating too.

“Did you run?” I ask, raising my brow.

She rolled her eyes at me, before pulling my arm, “I know about your impatience. C’mon, where do you want to eat?”

I let her pull me up, “Pizza?” I say.

“For lunch?” She asks unsure.

I shrugged, “Yeah?” 

“Okay. Pizza it is,” she inhaled sharply and pulled me with her.

To be honest, I’m quite surprised. Alisa spent her childhood in the Philippines, so most of the time, she craves rice every meal. She always disagrees with me eating salad and fast foods, and urges me to eat ‘healthily’ when I am already healthy. Maybe this is compensation for making me wait.

“So, how was the band practice?”

“Bad,” I answered honestly before taking a bite of my pizza.

She looked at me with concern in her eyes, dropping the slice in her hand to the saucer. 

“What? We’re they mean to you or something?”

“What? No,” I chuckled and waved her off. “I mean, I couldn’t keep up with them.”

Her expression changes, something in between relief and feeling bad for me. I snorted. Mom.

“Oh.” She mumbles.

“Now I’m unsure about filling in. It was an embarrassing experience.”

“Hey,” she held my hand. “It’s okay. It was your first time.”

I snorted, “Funny how they said the same thing.”

“Because it’s true, duh? Cheer up, Yen! It is so not like you to give up that easily. Last time I checked, you were never the pessimistic type.”

She’s right. What’s wrong with me? I can do anything as long as I put my mind to it. Music was never easy in the first place, especially when I learned the hardest way. Self-teaching me how to play the drum, I came a long way! I can sync with them in no time.

“Let’s take a break, guys!” 

Hiro claps and everyone put down the instruments in their hand. I slumped on my chair and pulled my hair in frustration.

Fuck.

I couldn’t do it after all. This is so stupid.

“Lev, go with me. Let’s buy tacos!” Boaz wrapped his arm around Lev’s neck and grinned.

Lev inhaled sharply, “You always buy the same thing all the time!” he complained but didn’t retaliate further.

“Bo, let me go with you. I’m starving.” Hiro says, grabbing his wallet from his bag.

“Seon? Ayen? You guys wanna come?” Bo asks, standing at the entrance, whilst Lev and Hiro are already outside waiting for whatever our decision will be.

“No, thank you.” I politely refused.

I need to practice more.

“No. I don’t like tacos.” Seon deadpanned.

Boaz nodded and left with the other two. Neither Seon nor I say anything. After the three of them left the room, I picked my drumsticks back up from the monobloc chair beside me and started reviewing beats, hitting the rims lightly. 

I can do my part well when I’m alone, so why do I keep on messing up when everyone starts to play with me? The drums are the backbone of the music. It carries the rhythm, so there’s no room for a mistake. It’s hard to cover when the drums start failing to provide foundation.

“What were you thinking coming here?” 

After a minute of silence, he finally said something.

I looked up, and stopped the motion of my hands, bracing myself for whatever confrontation this man has for me.

“To fill in? My friend asked for help, so I came.”

He let out a short snicker, mocking. “You realize you’re not helping, right?” 

Here it comes.

“Right now, you’re just another liability. I really don’t care much about how this band does, nor I am interested in how much room for improvement they have. But I’m getting sick of repeating the same part again and again.” Seon continues.

I licked my lips and massaged the bridge of my nose, getting frustrated now.

“I know that. I’m sorry, okay? I’m trying to improve as much as I can so we can move forward. I’m already doing my best!” I turned to look at him.

He had his arms crossed on his chest, sitting across from where I am. He appears very displeased with my presence here. As much as I want to deny it, he has a point. I’m not in a place where I could retort to his statement. I’ll just calmly accept everything, he is right anyway.

“Well, news flash. Your best is not enough.” He slurs.

“I know that,” I say between gritted teeth. “Will you please let me do my own thing?” I begged.

“Just ask for help. I might consider.” He smirks and I rolled my eyes in secret.

So arrogant.

“I can handle myself.”

“Your pride won’t help you.”

Damn, he just won’t shut up. 

I dropped my drumsticks and faced him. “Okay. Will you please consider helping me, sir?” I say, and he put his tongue inside his mouth, trying to hide his smirk.

I watched him sluggishly stood up from his seat and grab his guitar. I subconsciously gulped.