Chapter 5

The little apartment I rented by the ocean had only one bedroom. The balcony door was old and creaked a little whenever the wind blew hard. The first time I looked at it, the landlord worried I'd struggle to adjust after living in a big house and rattled off a whole list of its flaws.

From the window, I could see the road to the racetrack in the distance. "This one's fine."

Moving was a lot more complicated than I'd imagined. The past 13 years of my life were scattered across countless drawers. Even things I'd bought myself were often mixed in with other people's stuff. I sorted my documents, my training records, my design contracts from before the marriage, and the photos that belonged only to me. Adam wanted to send his secretary to pack for me, but I said no.

"You can keep anything you want," he said. "You can have the house too. There's no need to move somewhere so far away."

"The lawyers can work out how to split the property." I packed a stack of drawings into a box. "I'm not walking away with nothing, and I'm not planning to keep living off you either."

He frowned. "Do you have to put it so harshly?"

"I'm just stating the facts."

When it came to Noah, we finally sat down and really talked. His school, his friends, and his sailing practice were all in the Bay Area. Suddenly changing where he lived wouldn't be good for him. I suggested that Adam look after him on weekdays, that I visit and video-call him on an agreed schedule, and that we make the big decisions about his education and medical care together. Kate would help us draw up a workable temporary plan. We'd settle the official terms later.

Adam heard me out, then asked abruptly, "You're not even taking our son?"

"I'm not abandoning him, and I'm not dumping him on you." I pointed at the school calendar. "I don't want to force him to change schools and go somewhere completely unfamiliar just to prove I'm a good mother. You're his father. You can handle taking care of him day to day."

"You've thought this through so carefully." His voice was cold. "Have you been planning this all along?"

"I started planning on Noah's birthday."

When Helen heard about the divorce, she showed up at the door with a job description from the foundation. She'd already lined up every social event for me for the next six months and promised me the best seat at the head table at next month's fundraising gala.

"I've never thought you didn't matter," she said. "You're the most dependable person in this family."

"What you all like is that I can smooth everything over." I pushed the papers back to her. "I'm not taking this job, and I'm not going to the gala."

Helen's smile faded a little. "Erin, marriage isn't a game. The partnership between our two families—"

"Someone else can take that over. It's not my responsibility anymore."

The night before I moved out, I carried the old helmet downstairs. Noah ran out of the study and stared hard at the box. "Is that a race car driver's helmet?"

"It's mine."

"You can drive race cars?"

"I used to. I'm going to start again."

Noah grinned in disbelief. "Dad won't let you. He says racing's too dangerous."

Adam stood in the doorway of the study, still holding his phone. I looked at my son and fastened the helmet strap.

"I'm going to get a physical first and do proper training," I said. "But this isn't something I need Dad's permission for."

Noah turned to look at Adam, like he was waiting for him to argue. Adam was quiet for a long time. In the end, all he said was, "Noah, go brush your teeth."

The next morning, I put the last suitcase in the car. Noah didn't come downstairs. Adam stood in the entryway and asked when I'd be back. I told him I'd already sent him the visitation schedule and that I'd stick to it exactly.

The car pulled out of the familiar private driveway, and in the rearview mirror, the iron gate slowly closed. I entered the apartment by the ocean as my destination and didn't set a return time.