KRISTEN

.....the light is getting dimmer and dimmer but I don't mind because I'm finally embracing the darkness.....

I have to say, poetry is my coping mechanism. Reading and writing it is not only a form of self expression for me, but it helps me deal with my anxiety and depression. And right now I can't stop writing and it's because I'm one minute away from having an anxiety attack.

I have been the new girl at different schools for quite a number of times but I still can't get over first day nerves. You would think that due to all this constant moving and school changes, I would have mastered the art of being the new girl.

But no, I still get nervous everytime which results in awkward first expressions which ultimately leads to not making any friends. Yep, I don't have a social life of any kind.

"You know, you could at least pretend to be excited about this new school." My mother says as she drives me to school. I have been silent on the subject and I guess that's beginning to irritate her.

"I'm saving my excitement for the next school." I don't even bother to look from my journal as I say the words, knowing how much sarcasm irks my mother.

"And what do you keep writing in that diary of yours?" She asks, seemingly ignoring my earlier comment. "I would love to read it."

I immediately close my journal. "No no no. You can't read it, ever." I add, clutching the book close to me just in case my mother gets any ideas.

"I'm not interested in your diary, I just wanted to get your attention." She briefly smiles at me. "You are so weird, no wonder you don't have any friends."

You would think a comment like that from my mother would bother me but actually it doesn't because in her mind she isn't being mean.

My mother doesn't believe in sugarcoating the truth to spare anyone's feelings, and that includes mine. I suppose being Liesa Conte, a creative director for one of the world's biggest fashion brand, has really gone to her head.

And since vogue magazine, her bible, labels her an icon, she actually believes she is one.

"I thought the reason I didn't have any friends was because of the way I dress." I retort, knowing how much she enjoys criticizing the way I dress.

"Oh, who cares that you dress like a thirteen year old boy?" There she goes again.

"Whatever." I mutter under my breath. It's a good thing we are almost there because I'm done trying to have small talk with my mother.

Fortunately my mother doesn't make a big fuss when she drops me off. She's done this so many times so it's not really a big deal to me anymore.

Unlike my mother I'm not confident enough to be comfortable with any sort of attention or drop dead  gorgeous and I have always been somewhat okay with the fact that I will never measure up to the level of the great Liesa Conte.

But right now I would give just about anything to be a younger version of my mother rather than be my nervous and awkward self.

Nomatter how many times I do this, I can never seem to handle this part. The part where everyone is starring at me like I don't belong, making me feel like I'm out of place.

Keeping my head down and my hands tucked beneath my oversized sweater, I walk further into my new school. I don't want to attract any attention to myself, I just want to find my locker, get to my first class and hopefully get through this day with no hustle.

But fate has other plans because before I can even make it to my locker, I bump into someone, instantly knocking onto the ground.

Hmmm, maybe ditching my glasses for my first day of school wasn't such a good idea after all. It's all I can think about as I lie on the ground with people looking and laughing at me.

Great, in an attempt to conceal myself and not draw any attention to myself I have done the exact opposite. This has to be the worst first day ever. Gosh, I just want the ground to swallow me.

Maybe if I stay down longer people will eventually get bored and move on. Even with my eyes closed, I can feel their gazes on me and the laughter that won't die down.

"Are you alright?" Suddenly I feel someone's hands on my shoulders.

I look up at the one person who doesn't seem to be amused by my clumsiness. He must a senior because he looks older than most of the kids and I would be admiring how h good looking he looks if I wasn't on the verge of tears. though I don't know if I should be saying that considering my vision is not the best at the moment.

But whoever he is he's provided me with the excuse I need to finally get up from the floor. Some people are still watching me but I don't pay much attention to them, I just want to run and hide so I can cry in person.

"Yes I'm fine." My voice cracks so I nod vigorously to convince by the only nice person here that I'm okay even though it's a complete lie. "Excuse me." I say without looking at him or anyone else for that matter.

I hastily grab my backpack and rush to the bathrooms. If I'm going to cry my heart out I can at least do it there.

Fortunately I locate the girl's restrooms with no problem. I sit on one of the toilets with my head in my hands as  tears stream down my face. I can't believe I made a fool of myself like that. Why the hell didn't I wear my glasses? I feel so stupid and I don't know if I can ever live that down.

My crying halts when I hear a commotion. I start to panic but then I remember that this is a school restroom so anyone can come in.

I stay quiet, hoping that whoever is out there doesn't see or hear me. The last thing I want is to be bullied in the bathroom.

"I think it's empty." I hear someone say.

"Yeah, most people are already in first period." The other person says. "Wait, what are you doing?" She asks but her friend doesn't say anything. "Ashley, it's too early!" She chastises her friend and my interest is piqued. I slightly open the door so I can see what's going on.

It's a little difficult to see but I do see the two girls and one them, the blonde, is holding a packet of what looks like pills. Obviously they are medicinal drugs otherwise her friend wouldn't be scolding her at the moment.

"It's helps me calm down." The Blonde says.

"I think you are getting addicted."

"No I'm not." She says defensively but I can see that her friend has a point. The Blonde, whose name is Ashley, is obviously dependent on those pills. Im no expert but even I can tell that she's definitely addicted.

"Hey!" The dark haired girl catches me eavesdropping on their conversation. "What are you doing?"

The Blonde girl is startled as she drops all the packet in her hand in panic. "There is someone in here?" She sounds mortified as she cowers behind her friend, ignoring the scattered blue pills on the floor.

"I—." I stammer.

"Please don't tell anyone!" The Blonde says quickly.

"Hey calm down." Her friend tells her. "She won't tell anyone. Right?" She asks me.

"Yes yes!" I say immediately. "I won't say anything.

"Great." The dark haired girl smiles at me and it's actually genuine. "I'm Max by the way." She holds out her hand.

"I'm Kristen." I smile back at her. "I just started."

"No wonder you look so unfamiliar. Well now you know me and this is Ashley, she's a little clumsy." Max says and starts to pick up the scattered pills.

"Hi." Unlike her hyper friend, Ashley seems very shy. "I'm Ashley." Of course I already know that but I suspect she won't like it if I point it out.

"Hey." I greet her. "Im Kristen." I smile at her and she smiles back, her blue eyes shining.

And suddenly this school doesn't seem so bad after all.