7. Julianna

I may regret the way we ended, but Ill never regret what we had. —Unknown

My eyes felt crusted over and dried up when I tried to open them. The sunlight was obnoxious and way too damn cheerful as it streamed through the blinds of my window and prodded me out of my sleep.

Grumbling, I slapped my pillow over my face to muffle the stupid light, only to wince when all that soft cloth jostled my tender, aching temples. Fuck, I’d drank way too much last night, and ended up being way too stupid.

I wasn’t sure what I regretted more: starting something with Colton, or stopping it—more aptly, stopping it the way I had.

I wanted to say starting anything with him at all had to be worse, but no…no. Those asinine words that had tumbled out of my mouth had to take that prize. All I could remember was that lost, devastated expression on his face as he’d jerked his cock from my hand and backed away from me. So, yeah, that had to be the very worst moment of all.

The kicker of it, though, was I had no idea why I’d even said it. I hadn’t even been thinking about Brandt. And why had I used the l-word? I’d had a crush but was pretty sure I hadn’t ever felt love for him because no way could my attention have been so utterly captivated by Colton that quickly if I’d been in love with someone else.

Which had to mean I was the stupidest girl ever for saying the most untrue thing at the worst moment possible.

But the weird thing was, I wasn’t that girl. I wouldn’t do that, wouldn’t say that, wouldn’t drink that. Some idiot must’ve taken control of my body, messed up my entire evening, and then returned me back to myself this morning. That’s all there was to it. Because I certainly had never gone to a wedding I didn’t even want to attend before, gotten drunk there, or made out with the best man who just so happened to be the brother of the very guy I’d kind of wanted to have a chance with.

Nope. Not me.

Denial set clearly in place, I pushed the pillow off my face and winced as the blinding sunlight burned my hangover.

“Not cool, not cool,” I chanted to the sun as I slid out of bed and tiptoed to my closet.

After gathering the first set of clothes to reach my fingers, I tiptoed to the door—no idea why I was tiptoeing—then I eased open the handle and peered cautiously into the hall. I so wasn’t ready to share any of my evening with either of my roommates.

When I saw the coast was clear, and I didn’t hear any stirring, I darted into the hall and hauled ass to the bathroom.

Once I was locked inside, I pressed my back against the wall, closed my eyes and blew out a breath.

Then I muttered, “I am so freaking weird,” to myself as I ripped my night scarf off my head.

Resigned to that fact, I took a bath.

It was actually my scheduled day to wash my hair, but I didn’t feel like going through the whole lengthy process, so I skipped that part and climbed back out of the tub a couple minutes later to towel myself dry and scurry into the clothes I’d grabbed, which happened to be a pair of shorts with the word Angel on the butt and a thin, gray ESU T-shirt. I wanted to bypass makeup altogether, but that was unheard of for me, so I dabbed it on quickly and pulled open the door with nothing but coffee on my mind.

It was easier to think about what I needed to do next, instead of last night.

Use bathroom.

Clean myself

Dress myself.

Find coffee.

See: Simple. Easy. Guilt-free.

I was already trying to decide what to force myself to do after getting the coffee when I entered the kitchen.

“Damn, girl,” a male voice immediately said, making me jump and skid to a stop. “You look rode hard and put away wet.”

I paused to glare over at my roommate Tyla’s boyfriend at the table and muttered, “Fuck off.”

Hey, some days you had to get out the broom, hat, and big black cat and remind everyone who they were dealing with. This was one of those days.

Theo lifted his hands, letting me know he was backing off. Ignoring him and the other three occupants of the table who were scolding him for his jackass comment, I went straight to the coffeepot and poured myself a cup.

A throat cleared and my second roommate, Sasha, hesitantly asked, “So…how’d the wedding go?”

Beside her, her man, Chad, snickered and I heard flesh slap against flesh as she whacked his leg under the table.

After focusing all my attention on the stream of coffee trickling into my mug, I finally glanced over to send my two roommates and their boyfriends a tight smile. “It went fine.”

“He married her then?” Tyla pressed, sending me the most sympathetic puppy dog eyes ever.

I ground my teeth, wishing I’d never told Sasha and Tyla about that stupid crush I’d formed on Brandt, or that I’d be attending his wedding. Another stupid thing the stupid person who liked to invade my body must’ve done while I was out of commission.

“Of course he married her,” I said, frowning as if she were crazy. “Why wouldn’t he marry her?”

“Well, shit.” Chad snorted. “I thought you were going to stand up in the middle of the ceremony the moment the priest said ‘if anyone here knows why these two should not be married—’”

I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous. That didn’t happen. He married her, and honestly, I wish them both all the happiness in the world.”

I didn’t even feel a smidgeon of bitterness when I said that either. Hmm, strange. I really did hope Brandt was happy with Sarah, which was another telling sign that I hadn’t been as far gone for him as I’d always suspected. I mean, seriously, wouldn’t it hurt more to know he was on his honeymoon this very second, doing—

Well, I didn’t even care what he was doing. So, there.

Truth be told, I was more concerned with what Colton was doing right now. How much did he hate me? And how the hell was I going to avoid him from here on out whenever he showed up at the bar to visit his brother? Because there was no way I’d ever be able to face him again. The humiliation would kill me.

I’d quit.

Yes!

The idea came in a flash, and for a moment, I was tempted to do just that. I was honestly that afraid of facing Colton again. But then…that was a ridiculous reason to quit a job. And bartending at Forbidden was the most lucrative employment I’d ever had with the best boss I’d ever worked for. I couldn’t quit my job.

I only had one semester left of college, then I could move away—far, far away—find my dream job in business finance, and live happily ever after, taking care of no one but myself. That was the plan, and I was sticking to it.

So, I’d just have to be a big girl and suck it up if I ever stumbled across Colton’s path again. And if he happened to demand an apology from me, well…then, I guess I’d just give him one. He deserved that, at the very least.

But he really hadn’t seemed like he’d wanted an apology last night before he’d stormed from that room, so maybe…maybe we’d never have to talk again.

One could always hope.

Except the idea of never talking to him again kind of made me feel sick and shaky and restless.

“I still can’t believe he got married in the beginning of January,” Sasha was saying, jerking me from my straying thoughts. “I mean, really. Who gets married then?”

I sighed and shrugged. This was about the fifth time she’d voiced her opinions about the date Brandt and Sarah had picked for their ceremony.

“I mean, New Year’s Day, okay, I can see the point there. But the eighth? Why?”

I didn’t have an answer, and honestly, I didn’t care. I was just happy this meant Brandt would now be gone from work on his honeymoon and away from the bar for the next week. I think he’d mentioned they would return a day or two before college classes resumed for the new semester, where he was going to begin his graduate program in physical therapy. To me, though, what it really meant was a weeklong reprieve where Colton would have no reason whatsoever to stop by the club.

Thank God.

Five hours later, my jaw dropped and I whispered, “What the fuck?” as Colton stepped inside the Forbidden Nightclub.

Behind the bar where I’d been in the middle of mixing a Tom Collins, I immediately dropped down onto my haunches so I could hide behind the counter. But I realized what a cowardly idiot I must look like right about the time Bob, my coworker, arched me a questioning glance.

“I…I spilled some, er, ice,” I fumbled out lamely, my face heating with shame.

What the hell was I doing? I couldn’t hide down here. Besides, I was a bold, confident woman—or, you know, at least that was the goal—I could fucking face the guy I had totally wronged.

Pushing to my feet, I brushed my bangs out of my eyes, straightened my shoulders and cleared my throat before daring to move my gaze his way. But as soon as I took him in, everything inside me started clanging wildly out of control. As nervous as I was about his reaction to last night’s…uh, events between us, I couldn’t seem to stop the memories from tumbling through my brain. They heated my insides and made me feel flushed and breathless.

He approached the bar with a lazy kind of grace, and my stomach flipped madly while my toes began to curl. He walked with the same slow, talented swagger as he had when he’d backed me up onto the table and slid his hand inside my dress.

“Hey, Colton,” Bob greeted him with a head nod. “Awesome wedding last night.”

I swerved my coworker a startled glance. I hadn’t known Bob had been there. His name card had been at my table, yet I hadn’t even spotted him.

Nice of him to leave me stranded by myself at our table.

Asshole.

“Yep,” Colton answered, his voice sending this buzz of complete awareness through me. Compelled to turn back his way, I watched him point toward the opening of the hall that led into the back. “Pick around tonight?”

“Sure is,” Bob answered. “Go on back.”

“Thanks,” Colton murmured and headed that way.

We all knew Brandt and his family were in tight with the club’s big bossman, so it wasn’t surprising at all that Colton would want to see Pick. But as soon as he disappeared out of sight, one glaring fact struck me like a stinging slap right across the face.

He had completely ignored me.

Colton Gamble had never once in the nine months we’d known each other ignored me. He’d always taken the time to pay me special attention, flash me a flirty grin, try to charm some piece of clothing off me, ask me out, name our future children. And I’d always shrugged him off as annoying, too cocky for his own good, and over-the-top ridiculous.

But to be denied his attention so abruptly made the lack of it feel very dark, and very cold, and utterly lonely.

Hell, I would’ve preferred it if he’d glared at me and called me a worthless bitch to my face. Anything had to be better than a direct cut because this freaking hurt. I felt hollowed out and empty, which made another startling fact occur to me.

I could no longer deny it; I had secretly liked his cheesy flirting the entire time. And I mean liked it, liked it.

I think I might’ve even liked him.

Here I’d always thought it was anger and annoyance and distaste that roiled through me whenever I’d been forced to talk to Brandt’s little brother. But maybe that super-alive feeling he roused in me that made me want to claw at his face before climbing his body, pulling his hair and forcing him to kiss me was some kind of fucked-up foreplay I was experiencing.

One thing was for sure: I’d never been able to focus on anyone but him when he’d been around.

Realizing I was attracted to him—and had always been attracted to him—in a super intense way kind of intimidated me. I didn’t want to like Colton like that. He wasn’t easy like Brandt. There was nothing calm or secure or careful about the way he affected me.

And those were not the kinds of feelings I’d constructed my entire life around.

So it should be a good thing he no longer wanted anything to do with me.

Except when the door to Pick’s office opened down the hall and voices emerged, I didn’t care about any of that. I held my breath, anxious to see him enter the bar again, needing him to acknowledge me.

“Thanks again,” Colton was saying, his voice sending delicious chills down my back.

“No problem,” Pick answered him. “Like I said, as long as it’s after hours and you put everything back where you found it, you can have free reign over the place.”

They exited the hall together, Pick setting his hand on Colton’s shoulder in a fatherly manner.

Colton glanced at him with a grateful smile. “We can do that, no problem. And we’ll make sure to get the Forbidden logo in every scene, too.”

“I appreciate it.” Pick patted Colton’s shoulder before dropping his hand. “See you around, kid.”

“Later.” Colton waved a hand over his shoulder and kept walking toward the door as Pick stopped to watch him go.

I watched him too.

I’d cried myself to sleep last night after I’d gotten home from the wedding, leaving straight from the conference room where Colton and I had made out. I’d thought I had bawled enough to last me a year or two. But as Colton strolled toward the exit without even once glancing my way, the urge to weep mounted with a force that cramped my stomach and dried my throat. I tried to swallow down the pain, but it just got stuck in all the dry rawness, and my eyes began to water.

“You okay, Julianna?”

I jumped and slapped my hand to my chest as I spun toward my boss, who was now standing at the bar, one hand on the countertop, as he eyed me with worry.

“What?” I gasped, then shook my head, offered him an apologetic smile and repeated, “I’m sorry, what?”

He studied me a second longer, his gaze reminding me of the way Colton could see right into my head and read everything I was thinking. Then he glanced toward the exit where Colton had just disappeared and swung his gaze back to me. “Just making sure you’re doing okay?”

I bobbed my head up and down, swallowing the dread and hoping he didn’t catch on that anything had happened between Colton and me. “Yes,” I nearly gasped. “I’m fine. Just fine.”

He lifted his hand and gave me a thumbs-up. “Cool. I was just checking in, making sure everything’s going okay here tonight?”

Oh.

Damn, I thought he’d been asking about me personally. Now I felt as if I’d just given something away by answering about myself. Did he think I’d given anything away?

I glanced toward Bob, but he was busy making a drink for a customer, so I swung my attention back to Pick. “Yep. It’s all good. Kind of slow, but…” I shrugged. “That’s a typical Sunday for you.”

He nodded, agreeing, but continued to watch me, making me squirm inside. “Did you make it to the wedding last night?”

I opened my mouth, but no words came. Realizing both he and Bob hadn’t seen me there, I blurted, “No, I didn’t,” wondering the entire time why I was lying to my boss. There was no reason to lie, and yet I kept going. “I bet it was nice, though.”

Again, his head moved up and down with a polite nod. “Yes, it was. You missed seeing my kiddos trying the chicken dance at the reception.”

I froze, gaping at him while he continued to stare at me as if he wasn’t searching for information at all.

But maybe he was. Maybe he was trying to tell me he’d seen me dance with Colton. Had he seen us sitting at the table after that, talking and drinking? Had he seen us leave together? I had no freaking clue. Pick Ryan was one of the hardest people on the planet to read.

So I just said, “I bet they were adorable,” all the while hoping he’d stop fishing for more information if that was what he was even doing.

He smiled. “They were. It’s always fun to watch the young ones dance.” Then he knocked his knuckles against the countertop and pointed toward me. “Let me know if you need anything. I’ll probably hang around for another hour or so before I head home.” And he started back toward his office without another word.

I stared after him, pressing a hand to my stomach and wondering what the heck had just happened. Had that been his way of telling me what he suspected about Colton and me? Or was he just making idle chatter? Maybe he’d been so busy watching his children he hadn’t seen me on the dance floor with Colton and Colton’s nephew. But something told me he knew.

My heart raced and stomach churned as I returned my attention to work. I felt guiltier and worse than ever for what I’d done to Colton.

I couldn’t believe he’d completely ignored me, and yet I really could. It was what I deserved. But that didn’t make me feel any better. One thing was brutally clear, though. This was going to be one very long semester before I could escape Ellamore, Illinois.

And it hadn’t even started yet.