Dead Women Don't Come Back

It is 11 AM; it is another seven hours to go.

Tyler is holding my hand so tight that it is becoming numb. He has dozed off and looks so peaceful as he is sleeping. I do not want to wake him up; he has not had a decent night's rest in what seems to be ages. He stays up every night, every day; he is awake almost every waking moment looking after me. He needs these few moments.

I am writing this letter as a token of my love to him, as a keepsake for him to treasure, and as a reminder of my commitment to us and our life together. 

"To my dear husband,

I want you to know that I love you, ALL OF YOU, and I always will. I am committed to our marriage until death does us part. At times, in moments of deep frustration, I may have questioned otherwise, but that was my immature way of seeking love from you when I should have been looking for you to fill the void in my temporarily wandering heart. 

Beloved, I know I have hurt you countless times with my words and actions, and for all of them, I sincerely and humbly ask for your forgiveness. Since my heart was made to fit with yours in our sacrament of marriage, I long for you even when my heart is broken, even when I feel so hurt by your actions or lack thereof that my heart feels frozen, I still long for you. 

I have pondered this many times, and I have come to realize that it is what I truly desire, this longing. It keeps bringing me back to my knees in my faith to pray for us. Two become one, and when that oneness feels broken, I have two choices –

Run from the pain, or lean into the pain and allow myself to feel it, creating a longing in my heart to bring healing to the brokenness so our marriage can continue to be made holy the way it intends.

My beloved, I keep choosing number two because I truly love you! I see such goodness in you, and I also see the potential for greatness! I want more than anything to have a full life with you. I AM WILLING TO FIGHT FOR IT.

Sometimes I feel like our love for one another gets buried amidst the daily stresses of life, especially with the struggles that get thrown in our way. Trying to balance everything is so challenging! There is no one else I would rather balance life with, though, than you! We are a team, and you are the best partner I could ask for. I have been blessed with you! 

When our love starts to get buried, please know I will fight to uncover it and breathe life back into it. We have been giving the gift of each other.

I know at times trust between us has been tested; good, heartfelt communication has been challenging; promises we made have been broken, and overall new baggage has been formed. We are human. 

My beloved, I want you to know that with this letter, I today renew my commitment to loving you.

We both have faults that challenge each other, but our marriage grows. 

Thank you for all of the sacrifices you have made and continue to make for us. Your daily sacrifices for me do not go unnoticed. Truly, our life together is beautiful. It is us, in good and in bad, in sickness and in health, in rich and in poor, beauty woven throughout it all, that makes this journey amazing! 

As I write this, you are lying at my side in Hospital, holding my hand with rivers of tears running down my face, and I'm wondering how it came to be that we're here in this living hell?

Every now and then, you open your eyes and give me a weak smile, a squeeze of your hand, or sometimes you ask me for a kiss.

Each time I look at you, my heart breaks some more.  Your eyes are etched with pain, you look so weak and exhausted, and I can see the light in you fading away, like a torch running out of battery. 

You try to speak to me, but your words ramble incoherently.  I can sense your fear, and I can feel you will slipping away, wishing it to be all over.

How did everything go so wrong so rapidly?  What did we do to deserve all this?  Why did nobody forewarn us that this might be the way things would turn out?

I'm trying so hard to be strong for you, my love, but your deterioration has been so fast that I'm in total shock, and I'm struggling to cope, struggling to accept what I know is coming, and I know that you can sense my fear and grief.  Even though you are still here, it feels as though that I am in mourning already because such a big part of me has already gone.

I feel as though I've let you down like I should have seen this coming, been more prepared, looked after you better, pushed the doctors to try harder, asked more questions....so many things I should have done differently.

You always said that this sort of thing happening to you would be your worst nightmare, and now I'm trapped inside that nightmare with you, and I would give anything for somebody to come and wake us up.

I can't imagine the pain you must be in, nor the thoughts, emotions, and fears that you're struggling with inside.  I wish I could make it better for you, but I'm completely helpless.

I felt empty before I met you. Empty, like a piece of me, was missing, and I was tirelessly searching for it. I knew I found it when I met you. I can't even put into words the wholeness that I feel every day knowing you are my husband. I feel connected to you.

I feel very misunderstood by many people, but worse, I feel most people don't want to understand me. But you, you always seek to understand me. You know my heart. You know that I always have the best of intentions. You understand me. You get me. In fact, I think you're the only person who truly does. But only because you are the only person who has taken the time. You always know what I need to hear. You know what worries me and what scares me. You know my secrets. You know exactly what I need at exactly the right time. Best of all, you never pass judgment. Thank you for taking the time to know and understand me. We are distinctly different. You make up for all that I lack.

We've been through a lot together. Through it all, you comfort me. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you for overcoming your strongholds. Even though that rocky, confusing time, you comforted me. Many men would have cut and ran. Some men would have given up. You may not have always known how, but I promise you, you did. Even if all you could do was throw your arms around me. If all you could do was cry with me, I promise, you comforted me. Thanks for never walking out on me when life got hard.

I'm choking up just writing this. This is huge, and you probably don't know that I'm aware of this, but I am. You cover my faults. You hide them. It would be easy to expose them. The world tells us it's okay "to vent." People are quick to share how someone has let them down or done them wrong.

But you, you don't even bring up my faults in conflict or arguments. You spare me. You extend mercy when I don't deserve it. While others might look at my faults with a magnifying glass, you cover me with grace. You give me permission to be human. You are slow to anger and quick to forgive me. You let me "win" even at the cost of your own pride. You are malleable when I am obstinate. You are long-suffering when I am insufferable. You save me from the embarrassment of my own shortcomings. I notice. I'm grateful. I'm humbled.

Protection, real protection is such an attractive quality in a man. I don't just mean physical protection. I mean the kind of protection that is hard. The kind of protection that shelters me from verbal attacks, criticism, anger, cruel intentions, and more. I saw you do that for me. I saw you risk everything to support me. That is love.

Tyler, I need to thank you. I need you to know how much I appreciate your sacrifices and tireless efforts. I want you to know it matters, and it doesn't go unnoticed. I love you. More than I could ever put into words. More than I could ever show you.

Now in this time that we need to have faith, that we need to believe, I am reminded of all of this. It makes me realize that even if I cannot find the faith in myself, I can find it inside of you."

Faith is about believing. You don't know how it will happen, but it will happen.

So we have come to the end of seven hours remaining, only another six ahead. And with these six, I will remind you…

Have patience; all things are difficult before they become easy.

Fight! This is only going to be a chapter in your life. Not a whole story.

Don't stop believing in yourself, no matter what happens.

Accept it. At some point, you are going to have to accept that this is not your fault. There is nothing that you can do about it.

Forgive yourself. There is nothing that you could have done differently.

Forget about it. Don't be a prisoner of things that you cannot change.

And at the end of the last hour, you will go into that theatre, and you will fight for it. You are not going anywhere.

YOU ARE NOT LEAVING ME BEHIND.