4

A moment of regret washed over me as my mama’s sad face bored into my eyes. I had an obligation as a daughter to look after her and provide her with what she needed.

It broke my heart watching my mama grow older, watching her lose her memory more and more, day by day.

And the fact there was nothing I could do to stop it just screwed with my mind to the point of no fucking return.

But then I remembered how many lives had been lost to the Russian Mafia.

I couldn’t be selfish.

I needed to bring them to justice.

“They’ll take great care of you, Mama, I promise,” I said, squeezing her hands in mine. “Let’s go.”

I got to my feet, and began wheeling my mother out of my apartment, ready to make my way to the care home where I was going to drop her off. I knew my boss would make sure she was well-provided for while I was gone. It was the least he could fucking do, and he’d been good to me while I’d been working this job, so I never, ever doubted him and his generosity for one second.

I was going to miss her while I was away.

I just hoped the sacrifices I was making for the sake of going undercover would end up being worth it.

***

I drove down the highway with my car playing Blinding Lights by The Weeknd on a low volume. Now that my mama was being taken care of, it was time for me to pay my boyfriend a visit to let him know I was going away.

I met my boyfriend at work. His name is Brett, and we’ve been together for two years now. I’m 28, and he’s 32.

I couldn’t help but to feel regret. We got together naturally because work was so demanding, with both of us being in the Secret Service. We saw each other all of the time, and we were pretty much together nearly every hour of the day. We weren’t entitled to much of a social life.

We always had to stay focused, avoid getting distracted, and put our all into the task we were given. We knew what we signed up for when we took the job. It was never going to be easy for us. I guess that being with Brett was a rash decision to stop us both from feeling so lonely, because work just got the better of us both sometimes.

It just felt like the relationship was so forced. I cared for him, that I did.

And he cared for me too…

But we were always just so busy. It felt like my job was consuming me. I wanted to be loved, and I wanted to feel loved.

But it was a myth with this job. I guess I just “settled” for Brett, knowing I would probably not have the chance to meet anybody else. There were no sparks or fireworks when we kissed. I didn’t even have the guts to sleep with him yet. I didn’t feel ready to take that step because my heart just wasn’t in it.

I’ve had a dark past. A past that continues haunting me every single day, and the scars are still there.

I guessed that I was embarrassed, upset, angry…

But I didn’t tell anybody about my past, or my problems. Those things were better left kept to myself, shut away and repressed, because nobody would understand where I was coming from, and why I made the decisions that I did to get to this point in my life today.

Work kept me busy, and helped me to forget the terrible things that I went through all those years ago.

It felt like my job was slowly overwhelming me, and devouring me whole. It was slowly killing me that I couldn’t spend enough time with myself to stay sane, to go out and have fun like a normal 28-year-old, make friends, and live a good life. Or the fact that I couldn’t spend enough time with my mother in the last years of her life. She wasn’t getting any younger, after all.