8

The next couple of hours passed as I put away items in the kitchen and bathroom, occupying myself, and refusing to let my mind wander. 

Hunger pains finally drove me back into the kitchen, and placing a few of the takeout boxes in the microwave, I heated them through. Sitting down at my new table, I began to eat my solitary meal. 

A few minutes later, I was preparing to toss the almost untouched meal in the trash, when my cat, Mr. Friskies, came in through the open back door. 

Instead of scraping my plate in the trash as I'd intended, I scraped the food into his food bowl. 

Afterward, I moped around the cabin for another twenty minutes, before deciding I'd had enough, I made my way outside. I knew what I would see, but I had to settle the argument in my head. So, climbing in the pickup, I headed toward town.

Ten minutes later, I stared at Tami’s Acura sitting beside Nathan’s truck, "Dumb-ass, what did you expect? They’re married!" my inner-voice mocked.

"Oh, fuck off," I grumbled back.

At my heated reply, my inner voice shrugged. "Oh, you poor whiny-ass, baby—deal with it."

Heart dead inside, I turned up the radio and pushed down on the gas. Soon, I was speeding through the streets, not knowing, nor caring where I was going. I was running, running from the misery that swirled around me, dark, heavy, and suffocating.

~~

The next morning, I pried an eye open. “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” I moaned, pronouncing each word with the drumbeat in my head. What the hell had I been thinking? Last night, I’d found myself at a small bar just out of town. I wasn’t much of a drinker, and I didn’t care for drinking alone when I did, so, I’d sought company to drown my sorrows with.

With another groan, I eased my way out of bed and gingerly made my way to the bathroom. Minutes later, I stepped from the shower, dried, and padded into my bedroom.

After pulling out a soft flowing skirt that, when worn, flirted with my ankles, I paired it with a lime green tank that was the same color as the tiny flowers on the skirt. Staring at myself in the full-length mirror on the back of my bedroom door, I saw the unhappy glow emitting from the depths of my eyes. However, there was nothing to do about it—time was the only answer. 

Grimacing at how exhausted I looked. I grabbed my foundation and tried to conceal the worst.

When I'd finished, I peered at myself, a slight smile gracing my lips. Though my eyes revealed my inner turmoil, the rest of the damage, mostly, was concealed.

Finishing my time before the mirror with a swipe of strawberry-flavored gloss across my lips, I declared myself done. Afterward, glancing at my watch, I saw that I was running late and didn't have time to prepare coffee.

After spooning some food into Mr. Friskies's bowl, I grabbed my purse and headed out the door.

When I arrived at the bureau, I spotted Nathan's truck in the parking lot. The now-familiar sadness tugged and pulled at my heart. Letting out a breath, I climbed from the pickup, locked it, and made my way toward the building. 

As I walked, I wondered—could I do this? Could I walk in there and act as if everything in me wasn’t sobbing? Wasn't missing him with every fiber of my being: That, every hope, dream, wish, and desire hadn't been squashed? Yet, no matter the grounds behind my decisions, I couldn't stop my heart from yearning for what it couldn't have. The heart doesn't reason. It doesn't have morals and boundaries. It doesn't know right or wrong. It only feels.

As I reached the double glass doors, I stood before them, taking several deep breaths, pulling my shattered being around me. Finally, when I had done all I could to strengthen my trembling emotions—but turn around and walk away—I pulled the doors open. 

Nodding in Jolene’'s direction where she sat behind the dispatcher's desk, I continued placing one foot in front of the other, moving forward. Yet, the closer I drew to the bullpen, the more my anxiety grew. My nerves were frayed to the point of madness, and I felt I might climb out of my skin. Stilling within the hall, I leaned my head against the wall, sucking in air. Things began to gray around the edges, and I realized I was close to having a panic attack. 

A little at a time, I slowed my breathing, working to bring myself out of the state I'd slipped into. When I felt I'd gained enough control, I wouldn't pass out on the floor, I pushed off the wall and moved forward again. My mouth had gone dry with the episode, and I needed a cup of coffee in a major way. 

As I came to a stop before the entrance to the break room, I peeked inside, my stomach jumping into my throat when I spotted Nathan inside.

"Shit," I swore. I needed that damn cup of coffee.

Well, there was nothing for it but to jump in with both feet. At some point this morning, I would have to face him anyway, so, I might as well get it over with now. 

Pulling my shoulders back, and holding my head high, I blew through the doorway, my eyes immediately colliding with Nathan's. 

I knew, in that second, I should turn tail and run; instead, I stood my ground. Jutting my jaw and refusing to cower, I made my way to the coffee pot. 

Nathan jerked out of his chair and headed across the room in my direction, but shaking my head, I held up my hands. "Don't. Please." 

Without a pause in his step, he continued coming toward me anyway until he stood in front of me. I could see the pain reflected in his amber orbs as he gazed at me before he closed the emotion off completely. "Sorry about being so rude yesterday, like I said though, I had something to take care of."

I fought the urge to sneer that I knew what, or more to the point who he was taking care of; instead, I shrugged. "Thanks for the apology but whether you'd stayed or went made no difference to me."