Chapter Five

Chris got to his feet too, his hands facing palms-up in a gesture of supplication. “OK, whoa. Sweetheart, sit down again. Let’s – let’s just talk this through a bit more. Alright?”

She nodded and sat down. She wiped the tears from her eyes.

“So, what you’re asking is for me to help you get used to being touched by a man again,” he said softly. “So that you can remember that not all male touch is scary. Right?”

“Right.”

“And you’d want us to take this as far as possible, depending on how much you can handle. I’d have to be prepared to – to go all the way. If it got to that.”

“Yes.”

He took a deep breath. “I don’t know, Jenny. What happens when you’re scared? How can I – what would I do to calm you down, make you feel safe again?” He ran his hands through his hair. “I’m not a therapist, I’m not a doctor. Fuck, I’m just a mechanic. I’d be sure to screw it all up, somehow. Make it worse.”

“We’d have to talk all that through.” Her eyes were huge in her pale face. “I’d tell you what I’d need you to do if I panicked.”

“And what if I scared you?” he asked. “What if you thought you were ready and you weren’t? I wouldn’t be able to live with that, baby. I can’t imagine being with you, and you being so afraid of me… ”

“I wouldn’t be afraid of you,” Jenny said. “I’d be afraid, sure. But when I was feeling that way, I’d trust you to help me through it, to do what had to be done to calm me down. I’d know that I was safe with you, no matter what I was experiencing. You’d give me that security, Chris.”

He was silent, thinking.

“Look.” She twisted her fingers in her lap. “Take some time, OK? Think it over. Talk to the guys, if you need to. Talk to Emma.”

“Emma?”

“Yeah, she knows all about this. She’s had several patients work with sex surrogates, and she knows that I’ve been thinking about asking you.”

“She does?” He blinked in astonishment. “What does she think about it?”

“She thinks you’d be perfect for me.” Jenny managed a smile. “She said that you’re a great guy, and she’d trust you to take care of me. But if you need to talk to her, she said she’s happy to help you.”

“OK,” he said slowly. “Let me think it through. It’s Christmas in a few days, and I’m going home to my family for the holidays. Can we talk when I get back?”

“Yes,” she said. “Take all the time you need, Chris. And if you really can’t do it, then tell me. I promise I’ll understand.”

“And if I say no?” he asked. “What would you do then?”

Jenny shrugged. “Lori and I will find another way, something that I can be comfortable with.”

She’d have some stranger do all the things that she’s asking me to do. Goddammit, I can’t let that happen. But can I do this, with the way that I feel about her? Christ, I’ve wanted to touch her and kiss her for months – but not like this.

“Let me think about it,” he said. “I promise to give you an answer when I get back, OK?”

“OK.” She stood up. “Thanks, Chris. I know what I’m asking.”

No, baby. You don’t. You’re asking a man who’s in love with you to hurt you, to scare you. You’re asking me to go against every single fucking instinct that I have where you’re concerned – and you say it’s to help you.

Fuck. What am I going to do?