Ex-fiance's regret

DIANA

They say there is nothing more destructive than fire. I used to believe it too.

But even when my body pushed him out of the path of the collapsing ceiling engulfed in flames, I didn’t realize it.

When I felt numbness and striking pain as I was wheeled to the ER, I didn’t realize it.

When all I could hear was his voice, not the sirens, not my mother’s cries, even then, I didn’t realize it.

Until now.

It feels like a nightmare. Like I am still under the influence of morphine, and any moment now, I’d see a unicorn fly above me.

The tears effortlessly down my cheeks, my heart clenched in pain, my knees could give out on me at any second.

“What did you just say?” My voice cracked, I could not hide my shock nor my pain

“You heard me, Diana. I don’t feel this relationship is good for us anymore” He said calmly, like he wasn’t ripping me apart, body by soul.

“What does that even mean Kevin?! Where is this even coming from??!” I was confused.

We were fine a couple of weeks ago. We were even planning our wedding for gods sake !!

So what changed ?

He rolled his eyes. “You don’t have to yell. This is one of the issues I have with you, you always antagonize me! You don’t even listen to my point of view, all you care about is yourself”

I was taken aback. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“Myself??? If I cared only about myself , would I have saved you? Kevin I –“

He laughed bitterly, “I didn’t need you to save me, I didn’t ask you to get yourself burnt. So don’t try and manipulate me into staying by saying all that, it’s not going to work this time”

“ Kevin please stop saying these things. Whatever is going on with you, we can talk about it and – “

He slams his hand on the table and glares at me “there you go again making ME the problem. You’re soooo flawless, of-course you’d never be the one to apologize, it’s always me. I’m always the one to blame. I’m sick of it Diana”

I didn’t understand what was happening, but I didn’t want to lose him.. lose us.

I move closer to him and place my hand on his chest, tears glazing my eyes “ Baby I’m sorry, for everything I’ve ever done to hurt you but please, don’t give up on us.. we’ve come too far.. please” I was broken. Desperately clinging on to whatever hope is left.

5 years can’t just go down the drain.

I saw his eyes move to my arm, and he stepped back, disgust clouding his eyes.

I followed his trail of sight to the object of his dissatisfaction- it was huge.

I had not taken a look at myself since the accident. It was an awful sight.

Is that why he stopped coming to see me in the hospital?

Is that why he wants to leave me?

“Is it because of my scars? Do they irritate that much that you’d throw away our life together?” My heart sank.

“We don’t fit anymore. And clearly, I deserve better. Have a nice life Diana”

I was frozen, I couldn’t even look at him. As he shut the door, my knees buckled and I crashed into the floor, crying uncontrollably.

I risked my life for that man.

I almost died because of that bastard.

I gave so much- too much for him.

I supported him.

I left my family for him.

I loved him with every fiber in my body

I loved him with every fragment of my soul.

And what did I get in return?

“…clearly I deserve better…”

His words were still ringing in my ear.

What happened to all the promises we made?

All the plans we made?

How could he just give it up?

So easily?

I stand in-front of a mirror in my living room and take off my clothes – my god it was horrible, the scars were everywhere.

I felt disgusted with myself. No wonder he left me. Who would want to wake up to this kind of body?

There was nothing beautiful about it. It was repulsive.

“I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!” I screamed at the top of lungs, flinging a vase at the mirror.

If I couldn’t even stand the sight of my self, why would I expect him to?

I March to my room and violently throw our framed pictures at the wall, yelling from the depths of my despair.

Breathing heavily, I rush to the bathroom, and break the mirror, pieces littering the marble tiles.

“I hate you so much..” My legs couldn’t keep me up anymore, my body, in defeat, resigned to the floor.

I was too shattered to yell anymore. I curl up on the cold marble tiles and weep.

I’m such a fool.

How could I expect him to love me?

Seeing me look like this, of course his love would falter; I just had so much hope

So much faith in our love.. in my love.

Where do I even start from? He was the only thing keeping me together, the only reason I lived. He was my everything.. and now he’s gone.

How do I pick up the pieces?

How do I go on alone?

How?

It hurts too much. Too much. More than the wounds from the fire. More than the broken glass piercing my skin. More than any pain I had ever embraced in my life.

It felt like my heart would explode any moment.

I hear the door open, I don’t even look up

I’m too exhausted. Too drained

“Oh my god Dee! What the fuck happened” Lilly asked, lifting me up from the floor.

I couldn’t speak, I just started crying again.

“Shit, you’re bleeding! I’ll get the first aid, don’t move” she placed me on the bed carefully, the sprinted out of the room.

On a normal day, having Lilly around would always make me feel better – but not today.

Nothing could make this pain go away.

Nothing.

After wiping my wounds, she laid with me, rubbing my hair softly. She didn’t ask any questions, and I was grateful.

And when my eyes grew tired of wailing, and sleep s

tarted slipping in, that was when I realized.

The fire didn’t ruin me - love did.