Forbidden Addiction

It was the last day of high school. I was huddled at the corner of the now big but empty class. My classmates were going in and out with their luggage headed home. Memories of the last four years enveloped my mind and left me in a stupor. I had spent most of my teenage years here and it all came down to one major examination which would ultimately decide my future. That didn't feel too good but the system was in the works and there's nothing I could do about it.

It was an all girls boarding school. As you can imagine, those four years were full of drama and memorable moments. Being bi-sexual didn't bond too well in the conservative African environment that we live in. It was chalked up to sexual immorality and at best, just teenage hormones. I think being in a girls boarding school did nothing to ease that and if anything just amplified the so-called hormones.

The school is one of the best in the country with a selection of the best performed girls from all over the country amounting to around one thousand and sixteen hundred in total. With such a number in a public school, the resources were extremely limited. That meant crowding in classes, in the dining hall and the one that I hated most, communal bathrooms. Now if you are interested in the same sex and are in such a position, it tends to certainly blur the lines. The brain settles back and let's the teenage hormones take over or make you self conscious about your feelings and their validity.

For me, the first option sounded best and try as much as I could, education was certainly taking a dip.I had always known I was interested in girls and this was the ultimate test even before it began, I already knew how it was going to go. I already had my eyes set on someone who literally took my breath away. She had the most beautiful smile I have ever seen to this day, she talked in a calm, smooth and soothing voice and when she laughed, I swear my whole world lit up. Her body, the way she carried herself, the way she danced, everything about her mesmerized me and it was hard to believe there was a human being this perfect. From the moment I set my eyes on her, she was the prize that I was willing to do anything for. I would grovel and beg if I had to, for her. I had a mission in mind, it was all wrong and ill timed but then again,as a teenager, I am allowed make decisions on a whim and then wait it out.

During the first week, we were quickly divided into six streams which would carry for the four years we would be in and out of the school. We were also issued school uniforms and assigned dormitories. It was a period when people from same schools previously huddled together and an effort to make friends started.There's not much to do during this week except get familiar with everything in the school, schedules and resources. For example, being the youngest to join the school, there were some sort of hierarchy in terms of usage of resources with the fourth formers having the priority.

As fate would have it, I got to share a class and a dormitory with the only person who had my attention. That, literally, meant everything because now we would share classes, dining tables, class groups which in high school is an eternity of time.And on the second week of being in school, I came to learn my crushes name was Rie. That was a good start for me and now I had to think of how to go about my interest in her. Rie always had a crowd of other girls around her. Her aura just basically pulled people towards her and it was admirable.

Despite knowing that I was interested in girls in my early years, I really had no idea what to do with it. I had kissed a girl but nothing else beyond that. I knew it was 'wrong' and even when my first kiss happened, I had played it off as a joke. I was left to grapple with the electricity and feelings that it evoked in me while knowing that it meant nothing to the other girl. In my current situation, any knowledge of my orientation would definitely result in a suspension or worse, an expulsion from school. That was scary because it meant that my parents would definitely know about it and that was not something I could face, now or ever. In our society, there's no explanation as to why one would be interested in the same sex. The religion does not allow it and the deeply entrenched beliefs have no space for anything so challenging in terms of morality and what has always been. It means that once one 'chooses' that path, they have to be ready for consequences.

Knowing all I did, I had to be really careful about what I wanted and how I was going to go about it. I had never spoken to my crush before and to be honest, I knew close to nothing about her except for the little she volunteered about her former school. I didn't know if she was interested in girls though to be honest she had a tomboy vibe to her. Funny how we all got the same school uniform but hers seemed tailored for her body. The unform entailed of a knee length skirt, a white blouse, a light blue sweater and white socks. That said, a skirt below the knee was the only indicator of a tomboy and the additional mannerisms. In my mind, this was going to be a whole discovery and I was looking forward to unraveling this girl because she was my Pandora box.

This is a story of my guilty pleasures.