CHAPTER 6

CHAPTER 6

EZRA

By the time I got home, I felt like I’d lived three lifetimes in one day.

Dinner was quiet. Genevieve asked about my studies. I said fine. She asked about choir. I said fine. She gave me one of those sharp looks that meant you’re not telling me everything, but thankfully, she let it go.

I excused myself early. “I’ll just… head upstairs. Lots of assignments.”

“Don’t stay up too late, Ezra,” she said, sipping her tea.

“Yes, ma’am.”

The second my door clicked shut, I collapsed onto my bed. My chest still ached like it was too full of something I couldn’t name.

I should’ve read. Or prayed. Or done literally anything else. But instead, I buried my face in my pillow and groaned.

“Why can’t I stop thinking about him?” I whispered into the fabric.

Father Dorian. Shirtless. Tattoos. The rosary hanging on his chest. The curve of muscle I wasn’t supposed to notice.

My thighs clenched.

“No. Stop.” I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling. “Think of literally anything else. Math. History. Greek philosophers. I don’t care. Just not him.”

It didn’t work.

Every time I closed my eyes, it was him. His face. His hands. His voice when he told me to continue singing.

I shoved my blanket down. My body was too hot.

My hips shifted against the mattress. By accident, I swear. But then—oh God. The friction sent something sharp and bright up my spine.

I froze.

“Oh.” My voice cracked in the silence.

I waited. My heart was racing. My palms sweaty.

Slowly, I pressed down again.

This time I gasped.

“Shit.”

I shouldn’t. I really shouldn’t.

But my body didn’t care what my brain said. My hips rocked again, harder this time, grinding into the mattress like it owed me something.

“God,” I whispered, clenching my eyes shut. “Please forgive me.”

But I didn’t stop.

I couldn’t.

Because in my head, it wasn’t my pillow under me. It was him. His chest. His lap. His hands pinning me down while I—

“Ohhh,” I moaned, biting my lip hard.

I pressed faster. The rhythm came too easily, like I’d been doing this my whole life when I hadn’t. My body burned. Every nerve screamed.

And then—suddenly—it snapped.

Pleasure ripped through me, sharp and hot. My body shook against the sheets. My breath came ragged, and I clutched the mattress like I was falling.

I cried out. I couldn’t stop it.

And then it was done.

I collapsed, trembling. My heart pounded. My underwear stuck uncomfortably to my skin.

I stared at the ceiling, wide-eyed.

“What… what did I just do?”

I laughed nervously. Then I slapped a hand over my mouth. “No. Not funny. Not funny at all.”

I rolled onto my side, clutching my pillow.

“Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.”

I whispered it until my throat ached.

“I’ve never—” My voice cracked. “I’ve never even touched myself like that before. And now—”

Shame poured over me like ice water.

I remembered his tattoos. His eyes. The way he froze when I kissed him earlier.

I groaned into the pillow. “I’m the worst person alive.”

I dragged myself off the bed and knelt on the floor. My knees hit the wood hard, but I didn’t care.

I folded my hands. “Dear Lord,” I whispered, voice shaking. “I don’t even know what I just did. I know it was wrong. I know I’m not supposed to think like that. I know I shouldn’t be imagining him. Please forgive me.”

I squeezed my eyes shut. “Please take these thoughts away. Please make me better. Please don’t let him know what I did.”

My chest heaved.

I stayed there until the words ran out.

Finally, I crawled back into bed. My body was exhausted, but my mind was still a mess.

“I can’t do that again,” I told myself out loud. “Never again.”

But as I drifted into sleep, one last thought slid through my brain—traitorous, filthy.

His name.

Dorian.

The next morning, I forced myself out of bed even though my body still felt heavy from last night’s… disaster.

Nope. Not thinking about it. Not thinking about him. Not thinking about the fact that I woke up at 3 a.m. in cold sweat whispering his name like some lovesick idiot.

I pulled on jeans, a hoodie, and my glasses. Nothing special. Just enough to pass for functional.

By the time I got to campus, Lily was already waving like an overexcited cheerleader outside the math building.

“Took you long enough,” she said when I caught up.

“I was five minutes late.”

“Five minutes is an eternity in college time.”

I rolled my eyes. “It’s not even eight a.m.”

She grinned. “Exactly. Prime time for failure.”

We slipped into lecture hall together. I dropped into my usual seat near the middle while she sprawled beside me with her iced coffee like she owned the world.

The professor started droning about differential equations. My notes blurred within five minutes.

Lily leaned over and whispered, “So… double major. Still alive?”

I frowned. “Barely.”

“You’re insane for doing both math and computer science.”

“It makes sense,” I muttered, scribbling symbols I already hated. “Math is theory. CS is application. They fit.”

She smirked. “You fit in a padded cell, that’s what you mean.”

I elbowed her lightly. “Shut up.”

The lecture ended an hour later, and we stumbled out into the sunlight like survivors of war.

“Coffee,” Lily declared. “Immediately. My brain is fried.”

“Your brain was fried years ago,” I said.

She gasped dramatically. “Rude. I’m unfriending you.”

“Go ahead. I’ll find a replacement friend who doesn’t steal my pens.”

“You wouldn’t survive without me,” she shot back, hip-bumping me as we walked toward the cafeteria.

“Sadly true.”

We grabbed trays and found a table by the window. I had barely taken two bites of my sandwich when someone dropped their bag onto our table.

“Morning, losers.”

Jordan.

She slid into the seat across from us like she belonged everywhere. Black bomber jacket, ripped jeans, chain around her neck. Her hair was cropped short and styled sharp, like she was auditioning for a magazine cover.

Lily sat up straighter immediately. Too straight.

“Morning,” I said around a mouthful of food.

Jordan smirked at Lily. “You look tired.”

“I—what? No, I don’t.” Lily’s cheeks turned red instantly.

Jordan leaned forward, thumb brushing the corner of Lily’s mouth. “You had crumbs.”

Lily froze. I swear she forgot how to breathe. Then she bolted up like her chair had electrocuted her.

“I—I need water,” she blurted, practically sprinting away.

I stared after her, then looked at Jordan. “You did that on purpose.”

Jordan’s smirk widened. “Maybe.”

“You’re evil.”

“She’s cute when she blushes.”

I gave her a look. “You know she likes you, right?”

Jordan shrugged, casual as anything. “Yeah.”

“…And?”

“And it’s mutual.” She leaned back in her chair, completely unbothered, like she hadn’t just dropped a bomb.

My jaw dropped. “Wait—you like her back?”

Jordan raised an eyebrow. “Did you think I didn’t?”

“Yes! Because you’re… you. And she’s Lily. And you act like—”

“Like what?”

“Like you flirt with everyone.”

Jordan grinned. “I do. But she’s the one I want to kiss.”

My mouth opened. Closed. “You’re actually insane.”

“Probably.” She shrugged, totally unbothered. “But you’ll live.”

I groaned. “You’re going to give her a heart attack one day.”

“Worth it.”

Before I could argue, two guys from the engineering department walked over.

“Jordan, thank God you’re here,” one of them said. “We’re stuck on the system project again. Can you help?”

Jordan sighed dramatically. “You guys are helpless.”

“Please. If we fail, it’s on you.”

She stood, slinging her bag over her shoulder. Before she left, she leaned over and gave me a quick side hug.

“See you later, Ezra. Tell Lily I didn’t mean to break her.”

“You totally meant to break her.”

Jordan winked. “Maybe.”

And then she was gone, striding across the cafeteria like she owned it.

I slumped back in my chair, groaning.

Lily came back two minutes later, cheeks still pink. “Where’d she go?”

“Engineering boys kidnapped her.”

“Oh.” She tried to act normal, but I could tell by the way her voice went soft.

I smirked. “So…”

“Don’t.”

“…She wiped crumbs off your lips.”

Lily covered her face with her hands. “Shut up.”

“She totally likes you.”

Her hands dropped, eyes wide. “What? She—no. Stop.”

“She literally told me.”

Her jaw dropped. “What?!”

“She likes you.”

“No, she doesn’t.”

“Yes, she does.”

“You’re lying.”

“I’m not.”

“You’re lying to make me embarrassed.”

I crossed my arms. “Then why’d she give me a hug before she left and tell me to tell you she didn’t mean to break you?”

Lily’s mouth opened. Closed. Opened again.

“I—she—oh my God.”

I grinned. “You’re welcome.”

She groaned and shoved my shoulder. “I hate you.”

“You love me.”

“Not right now.”

“You’ll thank me later.”

She buried her face in her hands again. “This is the worst day of my life.”

“Pretty sure it’s the best.”

She peeked through her fingers and glared at me. “You’re annoying.”

“And you’re in love.”

Her groan was loud enough to turn heads.

I laughed, finally biting into my sandwich again.

But as the laughter faded, I leaned back, sighing.

This was normal. This was life. School, cafeteria lunches, teasing Lily about her crush, pretending like I wasn’t spiraling inside.

Pretending I hadn’t kissed a priest. Pretending I hadn’t thought about him all night. Pretending I wasn’t completely lost.

I stared out the cafeteria window, watching students cross the quad.

I asked myself for the hundredth time: What the hell am I doing with my life?