LOGIN"Yes," I said. "Say it now. I'd rather have it than wonder."He nodded, slowly, and for a moment I thought he might lose his nerve. His hand stayed round mine, and I felt it settle, the way a person settles before lifting something heavy. When he spoke, he kept his eyes on the page."I was glad it was you," he said. "That's all it was, really. I wanted you to know it, and I wanted you to hear it from me, privately, before the day got any further away."I opened my mouth and found nothing in it. I had prepared for something grander, some paragraph that would need answering, and instead he had given me a few plain sentences that I could not have improved with a month's notice. The lamp ticked as it warmed, and I looked at the drawing, and at his jaw, and at the drawing again."You've had that in your pocket since then," I said eventually."More or less. It got a bit creased.""It's not creased." I closed the sketchbook halfway, and then realised I was still holding his hand and had been
I could have said it was nothing. He would have let me, which was exactly why I didn't. My fingers were still under the corner of the page, and I could feel where the pencil had pressed hard enough to raise the paper."You really want to see it?" I asked."Only if you want me to." His hand hadn't left the book. "I can wait. I'm good at it, apparently.""That's not something people say about themselves.""I'm saying it about this one."I laughed, not much, and then I turned the page and let it fall flat. I looked at the drawing instead of at him, because I had no idea what my own face was doing and I would rather find out about his first.The sketch was small, and not very good. I had made it quickly, the way you write down a dream before it goes, with no background at all, only the tilt of his head, because that was the part I'd been afraid of losing. The line at his jaw was heavier than it should have been where I'd gone over it twice. He was looking off to one side, towards where I
Damien stood and carried the pencil and the sketchbook round the table to my chair, and I took his. The seat was still warm from him. From there the lamp lit the left side of my face, and I could feel exactly where it fell.It was strange to be on the other end of it. I had been so easy when I held the pencil, ordering him about and tilting his chin, and now my hands didn't know what to do with themselves. I folded them in my lap, and then unfolded them, and Damien looked up from the page and then down again without saying a word.He drew the way he did most things he was new at, with enormous concentration and a total absence of vanity. He held the pencil too near the point and gripped it as if it might escape, and his tongue came out at the corner of his mouth, which I had never seen before. I kept my eyes on the lamp and listened to the scratch of lead on paper."What are you doing with my neck?""I'm not telling you.""It's going on a long time.""It's a long neck." He frowned at
"Not all of you," I said. "A bit of you.""Which bit?""Mostly a hand.""Mostly." He waited. He had the grace not to reach for the book, and he sat there in the lamplight with his own hands flat on the table, looking at mine on the cover. I thought about shutting it and saying I'd show him another day. I could feel how much easier that would be."Will you show me?" he asked."It's not finished.""I didn't ask if it was finished."I turned the pages myself, past two I wasn't ready for, until I found the right one. Then I turned the book round and pushed it across the table, and took my hand away like someone leaving a cup on a counter.It was a small drawing, in soft pencil, a hand around a mug. The fingers were done carefully and the mug had barely been started, and one corner of the page was smudged where I'd rested my wrist. His thumb lay along the handle at a slight angle, pressed down a little at the tip, the way it did when he was concentrating on something else.Damien looked at
Damien stood very still under the streetlamp, with the light on one side of his face. For a moment he looked like a man who had been handed something heavy and wasn't sure which way up it went. A car passed slowly, and he waited until it had gone."Before you said yes," he said. "To marrying me.""Yes.""When?""You asked if I'd eaten."He frowned. "Did I?"He took a few steps, and I could see it come back to him. "I did," he said, and winced. "I'd run out of sensible ones.""I was still trying to work out what to do about your offer." I started walking again, because it was easier to say it moving. "Everybody wanted something from me. An answer, or an explanation, or a decision, and you just asked whether I'd eaten.""That's what did it?" He sounded faintly appalled."It was kind, and I noticed.""So you were grateful.""No. It wasn't gratitude." I looked at the pavement, because the pavement was safer. "I wanted you to sit down.""Sit down.""And stay. I didn't have a plan for it. I
The pub was smaller than the sound had suggested. A trio had set up in the corner, a saxophonist, a guitarist and a bass player, and in front of them someone had cleared a square of bare floorboards. An older couple was already turning there in slow circles, with the careful air of people who had done it for forty years. A few others sat at the nearby tables, nodding along.We put our coats on a bench by the wall. Damien glanced towards the bar, out of habit, and I caught him doing it."You can buy me a drink afterwards," I said."I wasn't going to.""You were calculating the queue.""I was looking at the taps." He took my hand anyway. "What are we doing, exactly?""Something slow. You'll be fine."It was slow enough, at least. I stepped over the guitar cable onto the boards, and he put his hand at my back and held the other one out, and I stepped in and took it, and for about eight bars we were quite good. Then he lifted our joined hands to turn me, at the exact moment I decided to m







