Mag-log inEstelle’s POVHarrison’s forehead was pressed into my shoulder.His hands were gripping my doorframe and his entire body was shaking against mine. I stood there holding the weight of him the way I’d held the weight of everything else for seven years, because there was nobody else to hold it.Putting it down had never been an option.My eyes burned. I’d thought I was done—I’d thought the kitchen floor had emptied me—but apparently there was more, because my eyes welled. The first tear spilled down my cheek and landed on the back of his neck where his collar gaped.“Come inside,” I whispered.He didn’t move.I reached past him and gripped his arm—the one holding the doorframe—and I pulled. He let go of the wood and let me pull him through the door.He stumbled on the threshold and I caught him by the front of his jacket, both hands fisting the lapels. I hauled him forward until we were both inside and the door could close behind us.I kicked it shut with my heel. The latch clicked.Harr
Harrison’s POVI hadn’t moved. Neither toward her flat, nor towards mine.I was sitting in the driver’s seat with the key in the ignition and my hand on it, exactly where I’d been when I’d gotten in, and I hadn’t turned it.Estelle’s building rose in front of me through the windshield. Third floor. The kitchen window was open. I could see it, the slight gap where the frame didn’t quite meet the sill.Through that gap, if I looked—and I was looking, I couldn’t stop looking—I could see her.Not clearly. A shape. A movement. The gray of her sweater against the white of the kitchen wall. She was at the counter for a second and then she wasn’t, and the shape dropped below the level of the window, and she was gone.I sat there.Then through the crack in the window I heard something faint, distorted by distance and glass but unmistakable. The sound a person makes when they’ve been holding themselves together for too long and the holding fails.I gripped the steering wheel.She was crying.E
Estelle’s POVI’d been stupid enough to think it could work.I’d been stupid enough to let him sleep in my bed and eat breakfast with my children and mouth thank you over their heads while they bickered about seahorses.I’d let myself believe in the crooked cake and the four juice glasses and the family dinner where nobody acknowledged the family they actually were, and I’d let that belief grow roots inside me, and now—A sob broke out of me.I doubled forward over the counter, my forehead almost touching the surface, and another one followed the first, and then a third. Then I couldn’t count them anymore because they were coming faster than I could breathe between them.I slid down. My hands lost the counter and found the cabinet doors and then the floor. I sat on the kitchen tile with my back against the lower cabinets and my knees drawn up.I pressed both hands over my face and I cried.I didn’t care about composure anymore. My hands shook against your face, my mouth open behind my
Estelle’s POVThe stairwell door closed with a heavy click that I felt in the floor beneath my feet.As I stood in the hallway, I noticed that the gray carpet in front of me was undisturbed.There was no visible mark where Harrison had been sitting—no indentation, no sign, nothing to prove a man had folded himself onto my hallway floor three minutes ago and told me he couldn’t feel anything for his newborn son.The carpet looked the same as it always did. The wall behind it looked the same. The hallway looked the same.I stepped forward. I stood where he’d been sitting, where his back had pressed against the plaster, and I put my hand flat on the wall.The plaster was warm where his shoulders had been.I held my palm there for three seconds. Then I pulled it away, stepped back inside, and closed the door.I walked to the kitchen and ran the tap until the water was cold, and I filled a glass. I drank it standing up.I stood in my apartment with my hand still on the lock and stared at b
Harrison’s POVI heard the words.For a second they sat in my head as separate objects, refusing to form a sentence.Then they assembled.My face must have done something then, because Estelle’s eyes changed at once. A flicker, a small adjustment, the pupils doing something and the muscles around her eyes doing something else.Then she was watching me the way you watch someone who’s been shot and hasn’t realized it yet.“What?” I managed.“He told a classmate at school,” Estelle said evenly. “That his dad had to go help someone else’s baby. He hasn’t been eating, Harrison. His lunch box has been coming home full every day. The only reason he’s getting any food at all is because Chloe’s been ripping her sandwich in half and forcing him to eat it.”My knees gave out. I just bent, as if standing had become a math problem my body couldn’t solve anymore, and I sat down. My back hit the wall behind me, the plaster cold through my shirt.My knees came up and my forearms landed on them. My he
Harrison’s POVEstelle said nothing.“Can I—Estelle, can we talk?”She leaned her shoulder against the doorframe.She wasn’t inviting me in or blocking me out. She was just…leaning, as if standing upright for this conversation was more investment than she was willing to make.“Talk,” she said flatly.So I talked from the hallway.Standing on her doormat with the muffled sound of a television coming through someone’s wall down the corridor, and the faint smell of cooking from the apartment below.Estelle was three feet away from me with her shoulder was against the frame, her arms at her sides.Her face giving me absolutely nothing to work with.“The baby’s alive,” I started. “A boy. One point nine kilograms, which is small but—the doctors say he’s stable. He’s breathing on his own. He’s in the NICU and he’ll be there for a while but his oxygen levels are good and there haven’t been any complications.”Estelle didn’t move.“Lyndsey’s recovering,” I continued. “The cesarean went well. S
Estelle’s POVKarl called on Thursday evening and I answered because I hadn’t spoken to him in over a week and the guilt was eating me alive.“How are you doing?” he asked carefully.I lasted about three seconds before I broke down. “She’s not eating, Karl. She’s having nightmares every night. She j
Estelle’s POVDinner was a disaster dressed up in fairy lights and white tablecloths.Chloe sat between Karl and me picking apart a piece of grilled chicken she’d normally devour, separating it into smaller and smaller shreds and rearranging them on her plate without lifting a single one to her mout
Harrison’s POVI drove home grinning so wide my face hurt.Lucas sat in the back seat behind me with the coral reef poster balanced across his knees, both hands holding it flat so the glued pieces wouldn’t shift.He’d been talking since we left Estelle’s building—a solid, unbroken stream about the p
Estelle’s POVNobody moved. Nobody breathed. Karl stared at Harrison and Harrison stared at Karl and I stood between them gripping the doorframe, and the flowers lay scattered across the hallway carpet looking absurd and cheerful while the three of us stood there frozen above them.“What the hell is







