Chapter 17: He Holds Me Back Not Roughly. Firmly

Selene

I stopped moving my mouth just inches from Cassian's neck.

That was the worst part of it all.

It was not the hunger that was eating away at me.

It was not the way my body felt like it was on fire.

It was not the smell of Cassian that was making me crazy.

My body just moved on its own. I did something without thinking.

My whole body started shaking hard.

At first I thought it was just fear. Then I felt my nails digging into my hands and I realized what was really happening.

This was me trying to control myself.

It was taking all my energy not to lash out at Cassian every second.

Cassian was standing in front of me talking to me like we were just talking about nothing important.

He was not scared of me all.

His eyes looked at my mouth. Then they looked back at my eyes.

His face changed when he saw something that caught his attention.

I leaned in closer to him a little.

The sound of his heart beating was really loud in my ears.

I could feel the heat from his body. It was making me want to do something.

My breath touched his neck and something inside me just wanted to let go.

One bite and all my pain would be gone.

Then Cassian moved.

He took my wrist and held it in place.

At the time he put his other hand on the back of my neck and it sent shivers down my spine.

He was firm, but not rough.

He did not hurt me. He would not let me do what I wanted.

He gently pushed my head back so my teeth could not touch his skin.

I felt really embarrassed and angry and I let out a growl.

I jerked my body away from him. Hit his chest with my hands.

The force of it surprised us both. Cassian jumped back a little.

The table behind him broke into a million pieces. Hit the wall with a loud crack.

I just stood there looking at what I had done.

Then I got really angry. I lunged at Cassian again.

He grabbed my arm. Spun me around and everything got crazy.

One minute I was fighting him and the next my hands were behind my back. I was pressed up against his chest.

It was not brutal. It was exact.

What really upset me was how precise he was. It made me even angrier.

I tried to fight him. He was too strong.

I hit and scratched but nothing worked.

My body was like an animal that was trapped.

Every time I moved I realized that I was stronger than I thought.

I kicked a stone bench. Cracked it in half.

I froze for a second. Cassian's hand closed around mine.

He leaned in close to my ear. Said, "Go ahead and try to fight me but if you give in and feed now you won't be able to stop yourself."

His words were like a punch to the gut.

Because part of me believed him. That made me fight even harder.

If I stopped moving for a second I would have to face what I had become.

I struggled against Cassian. We stumbled sideways.

A shelf fell to the ground and glass went everywhere.

As we fell something cut into my ankle but I hardly noticed it.

Faces started flashing in front of me. Mira laughing, Jonas tapping me on the shoulder Commander Thorne standing in front of the altar.

I remembered the vows I made. I realized that I was the one I was supposed to destroy.

A sound came out of me like a mix of rage and sadness.

My legs almost gave way. Cassian changed his hold on me.

He let go of one wrist. Pulled my arms across my body holding me close.

It was still restrained but it felt different.

It felt like shelter, not a cage.

I hated that my body knew the difference.

I was really frustrated that my body reacted to him like that.

My shaking slowly. I was gasping for air.

For a moment my head dropped back against his shoulder. Then I sat up straight again.

The room was a mess around us. Broken wood, shattered glass and dust everywhere.

The only sound was our breathing.

Cassian did not let me go.

He waited until I was calm. Then he slowly released his grip and took a step back.

I. Caught myself on what was left of the broken table.

I turned around. Gave him a dirty look.

"You could have killed me " I said hoarsely.

"Yes, " he said.

"You should have, " I said.

"No, " he said.

The word was like a door.

I stood up straight. Asked him "Why?"

His face did not give me any answers.

"I need you alive, " he said.

The answer hit me hard.

Not because he wanted me, not because he saved me. Because he needed me.

I let out a laugh.

"Then you made a choice, " I said.

For a moment something flickered in his eyes. Maybe regret, something else.

Then we heard a noise from downstairs. Three slow knocks on the big door.

It was not frantic, not a plea, a person waiting for an answer.

Every nerve in my body got s

harp again.

Cassian's face. He looked at me.

"They found us, " he said quietly.

Another three knocks. Cassian looked at me with a smile hiding behind his words.