Father won't be in the picture

Sophia

No, this was impossible!

If life was playing some sick joke on me today, it was time for it to stop before I collapsed under its weight.

I hadn’t had time to properly process being almost raped not so long ago, only to come home to this? Not only did my sister try to off herself, but she was pregnant, too.

The room around me started spinning as the ringing in my ears reached its maximum. I stared at Ellie’s angelic face and her deep blue eyes, not really seeing them from the thick veil of tears that clouded my vision. I wanted to speak, but I had no control over my tongue; my mouth felt like they were stuffed with cotton.

“Sophia? Please, say something.” Ellie’s words snapped me out of the awake coma I had slipped into.

I blinked frantically, trying to soothe the rising flood in my eyes while I could do nothing about the one in my chest. My heart turned into a ticking bomb, getting ready to explode at any second. I took one more precious moment to be quiet and accept what I heard as the truth before I did what every fiber of my being screamed at me to do – slap the shit out of her for what she intended to do.

With the traces of rationality hanging on the thread, threatening to snap under pressure, I pulled my fisted hands behind my back in a poor attempt to stop myself from doing what I knew was wrong. Ellie was in a desperate state of mind. She wasn’t thinking straight, and the last thing she needed now was her sister losing control. But it was so tempting, so inviting, the call to fall into the trap of madness. I wanted to break something, punch something, and let go of the helplessness I felt, the helplessness I swore never to feel again. Instead, I found the strength to ask:

“How long?” How long has she been keeping this from me?

“I’m not sure…a … a couple of months.” Ellie yelped, and I reached to cup her cheek with my palm.

“You have been pregnant for a couple of months, and you didn’t tell me? Why sweetheart?” I couldn’t stop my tears from falling. It was a struggle to keep that little sanity I had left.

“I was ashamed…” my sister admitted reluctantly, not looking me in the eye.

“Was dying worse than telling me?” I was devastated. It was my fault, no one else’s. My failure.

Everything I ever did was for her. I fought with all I had to get us through life and earn enough to sustain us both. I did the unimaginable to protect her, to save her life... And she was so ashamed to tell me she was pregnant that dying seemed like the better option. What did I do wrong? What wrong turn in her upbringing did I take?

“I’m sorry.” Ellie yelped. “I was just confused and didn’t know what to do... You already sacrificed everything for me to get me into college and not a year later...”

“Shh.” I pulled her into my embrace. She needed her sister now, and I would be there for her. There was no place for anything but support in that picture.

Despite being a wrack myself, I once again offered to be the pillar for her to hold on to, an anchor in the stormy sea.

It seemed like hours had passed before I felt Ellie calm down. Only then did I move back a little and reach for the dispenser on the floor.

“Ellie, we won’t need these, right?” I shook the bottle and waited for her confirmation before I got up and headed to the bathroom, where I quickly emptied the dispenser into the toilet and flushed it.

Water washed the pills away but failed to take away some of the relentlessly accumulated fear throughout the day. And the clock barely passed noon.

“Sweetheart,” I called out, and her head snapped up in my direction. “I will make you something to eat. Then you can tell me everything. OK?” I left her no choice but to tell me the truth, and she nodded her head.

I made her lie down on the couch and tucked her in with the light blanket I took from the wardrobe. Ellie closed her eyes, and not long after, I could hear her breaths deepening — she fell asleep.

Grabbing that bottle of vodka from the table, I stormed to the kitchen and dropped on the chair. My hands were shaking. Hell, my whole body was shaking.

My life was one big shithole, but what happened today threatened to top everything else. I eyed the bottle in front of me, and only the vivid memories of what would happen when our aunt drank stopped me from reaching for its contents.

Instead, I went to the fridge and got the ingredients for the chicken noodle soup Ellie loved. Keeping myself busy, keeping my hands busy, and focusing on cutting the carrots and onions gave me enough strength to push everything that happened today to the far corner of my mind. It was a well-developed skill, pretending things were not real, or better yet, that they were not important — that pain was not important. It would emerge later to bite me in the ass, but for the moment, I had to not think. I had to clear my head and focus on the present and what I had to do.

I cut myself a few times because of my shaky hands and sharp knife before the delicious aroma started spreading through the air. I added a few spices and salt and let the broth simmer before turning the stove off.

I filled a bowl with soup and placed it on a plate with some crackers for Ellie and a cup of chamomile tea for myself.

“Sweetheart, wake up. I got you something.” I nudged her by the shoulder, and she immediately opened her eyes.

Ellie shifted to a half-sitting position and accepted the ceramic bowl I offered.

“You’re not going to eat?” She raised her eyebrows in worry.

“I’m not hungry.” I smiled while taking a sip of the tea. The truth was, my stomach was tied in knots, and I was afraid to swallow anything.

I watched Ellie as she blew on the spoon of broth to cool it down before she brought it to her mouth and swallowed it. A moan escaped her lips, and she continued eating until the portion I got her was empty.

“Another one?” I giggled.

“No, thank you.”

“Better now?” Ellie nodded, and indeed, I could see some color had returned to her cheeks. “Then, would you please tell me what is going on?” My eyes watered again. I couldn’t hold back the tears. “I thought I was more than a sister to you. I thought we were friends and that you could tell me everything, just as I always told you everything. I didn’t even know you were dating someone.”

Ellie’s hand on my forearm interrupted me.

She was ready to talk, and I had to listen.

“I’m sorry, sis. I truly am. I meant to tell you, but lately, you have been busy with work and trying to provide for us both. You were always too tired, and I didn’t want to bother you instead of letting you rest.” It was all true. I couldn’t deny it. This past year was the busiest because Mr. Saunders put a workload on me. Of course, the pay was better too, but I barely had time to sleep.

“When I realized my period was late,” she choked on her words. “I was scared and embarrassed, and I couldn’t look you in the eyes. You put your life on hold for me! So you could feed me, get me through school, not to mention saving my li-”

“Don’t!” I shook my head. I didn’t like our past being brought into the conversation.

“But it’s true, Sophia! You gave me everything, and this is how I pay you back? I am the most selfish…”

I reached up with my hand and pushed the fair hair that fell on her face.

“Do you want to keep the baby?” I asked the most crucial question, the one I feared the answer to, as it would decide the course of our future.

Ellie sighed and cast her gaze on our intertwined hands. Her nod was barely noticeable. And despite everything, a spark of happiness lit up my heart, making it swell, pushing its boundaries to impossible limits.

I reached up with my hand and lifted her head, but her eyes were still uncatchable.

“Ellie, sweetheart. Look at me.” I demanded. When our eyes met, I smiled. No matter what, I couldn’t offer anything but my support and undying love for my sister and her child. “I’m going to be an aunt,” I laughed. For the first time today, I laughed aloud, wholeheartedly, and, honestly, sincerely.

I pulled Ellie into my embrace and squeezed her, hoping to transfer some of my joy to her. And it worked. My sister started laughing too.

“Sweetheart, who is the father?” I was sure he had something to do with Ellie’s attempt earlier. Being ashamed could not be the only reason. It could not!

Her silence told me what I needed to know. It told me my assumption was correct.

“Ellie?” I demanded, my voice laced with a threat. I had to know the truth. I had to know who I had to kill for inflicting so much pain on her.

“Well, that is another thing I need to tell you about. Father won’t be in the picture,” she admitted reluctantly.

What the hell?