9. Warmth

Lila

I woke up to the sound of banging and I knew it could only be one person, Eve. She was hitting the  door like she planned to break it down. Normally, I was thankful for her presence, but this morning I did not have the energy.

My head throbbed before I even sat up. I could also feel my eyes stinging and my face sticky with the dried traces of tears. 

I dragged myself out of bed and opened the door slightly. Eve didn’t wait but stormed in.

“What happened between you and Theo?” she asked excitedly, not looking at me to see how awful I looked.

 “Give me all the juicy details?”

I blinked slowly, my brain still feeling slow. 

“We didn’t do anything,” I replied, my voice flat.

“Don’t lie to me.” She continued as her eyes finally swept over me and that is when she registered something was wrong.

“Did he yell at you? What happened?” she asked, her voice rising with each word.

I walked past her to the kitchen just so I didn’t have to look at her. “Nothing happened.” I replied.

“Sera.” Her tone dropped. “Your eyes are red.”

“I didn’t sleep well,” I muttered.

I didn’t have the strength to explain that I had cried for almost the whole night. I had come to terms with the fact that there was no way I was going back to my life. I had been mourning the life I lost, my real life, my real body, my real future. That some divine force had ripped me out of it and locked me here in a stranger’s life and I couldn’t say any of that. Not to Eve. Not to anyone.

She looked around the room and then sniffed the air, “You were drinking?”

“It was just one glass at the gala,” I said automatically.

“You’re pregnant!” she snapped, Theo completely forgotten.

I winced. “I forgot.”

It wasn’t a lie. With everything that had happened I had forgotten. At that moment, I just wanted the noise in my head to quiet down and a baby that still felt alien to me had been the last thing on my mind.

Eve rubbed her forehead like I was giving her a headache. “Sera, you cannot forget something like that. You are being reckless.”

I wanted to scream at her that none of this was supposed to be my life. That I didn’t ask for this pregnancy or this job or this body. That I wasn’t even supposed to be alive.

Instead I sighed, “I know. I’m sorry.”

My apology calmed her down, and she smiled softly. “Go on and get ready. We are going to be late for work.”

The idea of facing Theo now  made bile rise in my throat. The previous night I had wanted, just for one moment, to feel like I wasn’t helpless. Like I still controlled something in my life.

But now that the alcohol was out of my body and I had cried the emotions out, I realised it was a mistake. It had been a  desperate grab at feeling alive while everything else was falling apart. Hopefully I did not get fired for it. I needed the job more than ever.

My stomach twisted all the way to the office.

The moment I stepped into the lobby of our floor I regretted coming in. I should have just called in sick. Mara was waiting at her desk, her nails tapping against her coffee cup as she looked me up and down.

“Well,” she said, lips curling. “Look what the cat dragged in.”

I ignored her and tried to walk past her, but she leaned in, pretending to fix something on the counter.

“Saw the paparazzi photos,” she whispered. “You looked ugly and fat in all of them.” My chest tightened.  She was trying her best to get under my skin and I had no energy for that.

“Don’t worry,” she added sweetly. “Theo doesn’t want to see you today. I’ll be taking care of him.” She added, sounding satisfied with herself . I froze.

“He said that?” I asked quietly.

She tilted her head, enjoying every second. “Word for word.”

Of course he didn’t want to see me. After last night… why would he? I was just thankful that I still had my job.

“Poor thing,” Mara crooned. “Rough night? You look like you even cried.” 

 “Mind your own business.” I replied as I walked away and all she did was  just smile wider.

At my desk, I pressed my palms against the desk and tried to steady my breathing. I really needed to get myself together. I had to show up. Sit at this desk. Work under him and forget whatever had happened between us.

By the time noon rolled around, I had barely moved from my desk. My stomach kept twisting, but I couldn’t tell if it was hunger or nerves. I told myself I just needed to make it to lunch to get a break. Theo had not come out of his office all morning as well. I was not sure if he was avoiding me or not.

It was two minutes to noon when my phone rang before I could stand up.

An unknown number flashed across the screen.

For a moment, I stared at it. The only person with my number was Eve and the HR office. I knew something was wrong but I answered anyway.

“Hello?”

“Is this Sera Hale?” a woman asked. The voice did not sound familiar at all.

My breath caught. “Yes.”

“This is St. Helena General Hospital. We have been trying to reach you for several days.”

My mouth went dry. “About… what?”

The woman sighed gently, like she had,  had to say this far too many times. “Your mother, Miss Hale. Her medication bills have been pending for three months. We can no longer provide her prescriptions unless the balance is cleared.”

My hand tightened around the phone. My mother. A woman who was supposed to be my mother but wasn’t. A woman I had never met.

In my real life, I didn’t have one. I didn’t even know what it felt like to have one.

Eve had mentioned it when we had first met, but I had been too lost in my own panic to process it.

“I… didn’t know,” I whispered. “I didn’t know there were unpaid bills.”

“I understand,” the woman said kindly. “But we need someone to come in today. Your mother is asking for you.”

 “I’ll come,” I replied. I could not abandon her even if she was a complete stranger. “Just text me the hospital details.”

After I hung up, I sat there staring at nothing. This was another piece of a life that wasn’t mine demanding I fix it.

I stood up and walked toward Mara’s desk.

She didn’t even look up from her screen when I stopped in front of her.

“Can I step out for an hour?” I asked quietly. “There is a family emergency.”

She let out an amused breath. “You can go. You are basically useless being here anyway.”

Her words hit me hard, sharper than she probably realized. Or maybe she did realize. Maybe that was the point.

“Thank you,” I said, even though she didn’t deserve it.

She waved her hand dismissively. “Don’t come crying back if Theo fires you.”

.

.

I hated being back in the hospital as it did not exactly hold some of my best memories. I held my bag close to my chest as the receptionist directed me to room 214. When I reached the door, my hand hovered above the handle.  I didn’t know the woman behind that door and she did not know me. Would she know I was not her daughter?

I took a deep breath and opened the door.

The woman lying in the bed looked up immediately. Her eyes lit up, bright and warm.

“Sera dear,” she called.

She didn’t look old, maybe in her late fifties, but her skin was pale and her hair was tied back with a faded pink ribbon. She sat up painfully, and before I could react, she opened her arms.

I froze.

She wanted a hug. She was a  mother who wanted to hug her daughter. Something I did not remember having experienced. She waited. Her smile trembled a little, but she didn’t drop her arms. “Baby,” she said gently. “Come here.”

My throat tightened and I could feel I was on the verge of tears. I stepped forward, slowly, until her arms wrapped around me.

Her embrace was soft and warm. She smelled like vanilla and the hospital soap, and the moment her chin rested lightly on my shoulder, something inside me broke open. No one had ever held me like this. Not in my whole life.

My eyes burned, and she must have felt the tremble in my body because she pulled me closer.

“Oh sweetheart,” she murmured. “You are  always so tense. I wish you would tell me what’s wrong.”

I couldn’t answer. My tongue felt useless. 

When she finally let go, she held my face in her hands like she was memorizing it. “You look tired,” she fussed. “Are you eating? And your eyes, have you been crying?”

My lips parted, but nothing came out. I wasn’t used to someone caring this much.

She brushed the 

hair out of my face, smiling with that warm mother smile that made my heart ache .

“You always hold everything in,” she whispered. I swallowed hard. “Mom,” the word sounded to foreign on my lips.

“ I…about the bills….”

“Don't worry about that right now.” She squeezed my hand. “Just sit with me.”

So I did. We talked about nothing and everything. She told me about her medicine, the nurses, how cold the room always was. I nodded and pretended I knew what she meant. Pretended I was her daughter.

Then, out of nowhere, she asked, “Have you seen Nathan recently?”

I stiffened. “Who?”

“Nathan,” she said with a fond smile. “You know… Nathan.”

I didn’t know. Not even a little.

My stomach dropped. Was he the father of the baby? A friend? A boyfriend? A relative?

I forced my voice to stay calm. “Nathan is… who exactly?”

She laughed softly. “Oh sweetheart, have you forgotten your priest friend? From the church down the street. You have always been so close.”

A priest? Interesting. What were the odds he could be the father of the baby I was carrying?