Chapter 5

Infinity – One Direction

Defiance. It was something a lot of people had, yet was never seen as a good thing when it came from individuals. I was one of those individuals and with the manner I had been raised, it was heavily frowned upon.

I think that’s what had drawn me on Angeles. His defiance towards the law and my defiance against anything to do with the pompous rich ways I had been raised. But something always happened right after my defiant streak.

And that was regret. So much regret that it clouded my brain and made me wish that whatever I had done, was just a dream. The past two weeks it was the main feeling I felt. Angeles had made himself home in the tiny apartment and focused all his attention on tormenting me.

His torment went from being overly nice to me to me having to hear him and Serena going at it. It was sickening.

Serena also focused all her attention on the man. They were constantly together, this only agitating me. If Angeles wasn’t around, she would talk to me about him. It was a continuous string of how perfect he was, how sweet he was, how Angeles he was.

With every conversation I just lost a little bit more of my sanity. I stayed in my room most of the time, my course luckily a nice little distraction.

And as I was sitting on my bed, a pen behind me ear and a highlighter cap in my mouth I was thankful for the test I was writing next week. Outside my door I heard Serena shuffling around, she busy giggling and talking on the phone. That was the thing about Serena – she fell hard. She had known Angeles for a week and had probably already named their future kids.

“I’ll talk to you later, okay?” she said before I heard her nearing my door.

O no…

The rapping was quick before she poked her head in, a wide grin on her face.

“What are you doing?” she asked, opening the door wider.

“Studying” I frowned, motioning to all the notes.

“When you writing?”

“Next week”

I watched as Serena’s eyes widened, her arms folding, “I’ve never seen you study so long before. You’re the all-nighter type”

“It’s a really big test” I shrugged. Serena walked towards me, grabbing a piece of paper, “You can take a break tonight”

“Why should I take a break?”

“Because I want to go out with my roomie” she smirked. I raised my eyebrow, putting the cap on the highlighter.

“Why?”

“Because we haven’t hung out in a while and I miss you. You’ve become nerdy” she said, pointing to all my notes scattered around the world.

“You’ve been busy” I shrug, placing a stray hair behind my ear. I had placed my hair in a sloppy bun on the top of my head and had even placed my glasses on this morning instead of my usual contacts. Angeles used to love my glasses and sometimes even hid my contacts when we were dating. It was one of the many childlike quirks he had when the ruthless-gang-member-image disappeared and he was free to be who he was.

“Is this because of Sam?” she frowned. Angeles had used the same camouflage name he had used on me the first time. Surprisingly, it only infuriated me more. Like the “Sam” thing was mine, and mine alone. He couldn’t have used Andrew or Peter or something. No, it was Sam. MY name.

“No” I grumbled, making it obvious it was about him.

Serena bit her lip, guilt shrouding her face, “I’m sorry I haven’t paid that much attention to you Jen. It’s just – Sam is new and we’re still in the bubbly happy honeymoon phase. But I do miss you and told him I want to spend the evening with you”

I gave her a light smile, “its fine Serena, I understand”

“We should find you a guy tonight” she said, clapping her hands together, “We can go on double dates and everything”

“I really don’t want a guy Serena” I said, holding up my hands in defence.

“Sweetie, I know your ex hurt you but it doesn’t mean you can’t move on” she said, “And I don’t mean random hook ups because that isn’t working” she said, walking towards my closet.

“What are you doing?” I asked, peering at her as she went through my dresses.

“I told you – we’re going out”

“Serena, it’s really not needed. Go hang out with Sam” I gave her a light smile. The girl only shook her head, getting out a short flowery skirt and a white crop top. She held it out for me, grinning.

“We’ll definitely get you a man with this on” I decide not to argue with her, just roll my eyes and grab the clothing.

“You serious about this?” I frowned as I took off my oversized hoodie. I hadn’t even gotten dressed for the day and was still wearing my pyjama shorts and tank top. My friend nodded, her smile almost as wide as the Cheshire cat’s. I sigh, getting dressed before ushering her out, telling her to get dressed herself.

We get ready separately, something we almost never do and it feels odd. Something had definitely changed between the two of us. And that something was Angeles. I smear another layer of eye liner on my eyes, biting my lip so heard it should bleed.

Have you ever felt so uncontrolled over situations that you just want to cry? All I wanted to do was erase that man from my life. Keep him away from Serena and hang out with her like we used to. Getting ready together, she telling me I’m using too much glitter and me arguing she’s not using enough.

Shaking my head, I grab my brush and some clips, getting up from my seat and heading towards her room. I rap on the door three times before opening it.

Serena is still busy doing her make up but when I come in she gives me a light smile.

“I’m rubbish with my hair” I smiled, holding the objects up. My friend’s face warps into a smile as she jumps up. We spend the rest of the “prep-time” together and it seems actually normal. We laugh, do each other’s hair and makeup and plan on getting me some action tonight. It’s almost normal. Almost.

“Sam” keeps messaging and his name lights up my friend’s screen every few minutes. He never texted me back so fast. Never texted me really. So the fact that he was so willing to message my roommate, stung.

XXX

Sick Boy – Chainsmokers

The car ride takes forever with neither of us speaking. Angeles is nervous, that’s all that I can pick up from him. He didn’t give off any hints of where we are going but all I know was that I was about to find out what his ‘business’ was.

Angeles kept scratching the back of his head, the grip on my steering wheel worrying. Maybe I didn’t want to know this after all. Staying in the dark seemed like a good option.

“Angele-“

“Not now Angel” he said, cutting me off completely.

“But I-“

He groaned, his eyes falling onto mine, “What is it?”

“Can – can you just take me home. I’m fine not seeing the business. I- I trust you”

“No” he said sternly, there no room for fighting with him about the matter. We continue to drive and for the first time in his life (probably), he’s driving slowly. As if he’s prolonging the inevitable. Whatever the inevitable was…

I think he thought I would run away tearing out my hair and screaming. Maybe I should have done that. Maybe when I saw the area we were driving into, I should have called the cops. Maybe… maybe when Angeles drove up to the scariest looking house in the world I should have ordered a cab and left. But I didn’t do any of that. The house had gun shots on the door, blood splatters along the outside walls and I could only guess there was a dead body somewhere under the property.

The man parked the car, getting out before walking to my side. I was frozen, my eyes darting across the place. It was frightening. My door opened and my head darted towards him, me trying not to flinch.

He holds out his hand, me taking it slowly and stumbling out of the car – my eyes wide. I cling to him, too scared that if we don’t touch, someone might shoot me. We slowly make our way inside, Angeles not really saying anything but keeping an arm slung over my shoulders in comfort.

We enter the house and my eyes immediately scan the place. It is as if the inside and the outside is polar opposites. The place looks as if my mom had designed it. It actually looks better than that if I’m being honest. It opened up to a grand foyer, a plush ruby red carpet draped on the floor along with statues at different entry ways. On the walls are paintings upon paintings, me gaping at them as Angeles leads me to the stairs.

“What is this place?” I mumble, my eyes falling upon the man.

“Headquarters” he shrugs, leading me to the top of the stairs and into a passageway.

“For what?” I gulp, we stopping in front of a door. He opens it for me, revealing an office that looks like something out of a crime show. Pictures of people line the walls, most of them crossed out with a huge map of the city on the wall, parts of it coloured in red.

“A gang” he says, my eyes going wide. I spin around to face him, trying to stifle a scream by biting my tongue.

“I wanted to keep you out of all of this but I don’t like keeping secrets from the girl I like” he shrugs as he lightly pushes me inside the office. I stumble backwards, watching as he closes the door.

“Los Angeles and its surrounding parts isn’t that glamourize and perfect as you might belief Angel. Gangs basically rule the place and well, you just got yourself in a lot of trouble” he says as he moves towards his desk. My eyes follow him, nausea filling my tummy.

“Wh-Why?”

“There are two big gangs in Los Angeles. Number two is the devils. Number one is East Angeles. You can guess what I’m about to say next right?” he says, his eyes analysing my features.

“Your name is Angeles” I mumble, peering at him.

He nods, “Angeles Beckett, leader of Los Angeles’ most ruthless gang” he smirks, holding out his hand in a mock handshake. I look down at it, seeing the hand that always held mine in comfort, fingers that created circles up and down body parts. A hand that has killed millions and held money that wasn’t theirs.

I slowly take a step forward, my eyes falling onto the man’s. He’s still analysing me, worry edged in those dark orbs. I reach him somehow and place my hand over the outstretched one, pushing it down on the desk.

“What are you thinking Angel?” he asks, his voice breaking at the end. Wrapping my hand in his, I looked down. His hands had always been rough. Yet, I liked it that way. Or at least I thought I did. Now it kind of scared me. Why was it so rough? Was it because of all the people he had killed? The various times he had held a gun.

Maybe I was beyond stupid. I mean, he was always running from cops, beat up someone in front of me, everything about him had linked to him being in a gang. I had just been naïve. But wasn’t I allowed to be? Hope that Angeles was just some ‘punk’ who just liked causing trouble with the police. Liked petty crimes. Clearly not…

“Angel?”

I gave his hand a squeeze before letting it go. Giving him one more glance I spun around, feeling like a robot as I made my way to the door. I didn’t move my head, not my hips, just my feet. My hand latched onto the door handle thought I couldn’t get myself to open the door.

I was torn. Broken.

Stupid.

XXX

Infinity – One Direction

We end up at a club. And I end up drunk quicker than I would have liked. I blame this on cell phones. Every time my friend’s phone went off I got the urge to down a shot. And that I did. Over and over and over again.

I was surprised I could still stand as I stumbled through the club, Serena leading me towards the dance floor. She spun me around, giggling and clapping her hands together as I continued the twirling and dancing.

“I am SO glad you’re letting loose babe!” she giggled, following me in a slut drop. We were both giggling and in the corner of my eye I could see a group of guys nodding and grinning at us. My eyes fell onto one, giving him a wink.

He was cute. Or at least, he’d do.

“Go for him” Serena smirked, catching me starring. I gave her a big grin before strolling over to the man, all my attention on those eyes scanning me. They’re green. Green like the forest. Kind of beautiful. The man was overall completely different than what I was used to. He had blonde hair, those green eyes and a dimpled innocent smile.

“Hi” I smiled at him, placing a strand of hair behind my ear. The guy seemed nervous, as if he was actually surprised that I had walked over to talk to him. Well, I was planning to do a lot more than talking, I’d tell you that.

“Hey” he was giving me a nervous smile, it being adorable.

“What’s your name?”

“Sam”

My eyes widening, me having to gulp down the nausea.

“Sam?” I hiccupped, the guy blushing.

“Yeah, or Samuel. But I go by Sam” he smiled, me giving him a nervous one back, “What’s yours?”

“Jenny” I smiled, we continuing the conversation. The guy was nice. Quirky. And he was actually a student. From what I could tell, there was no criminal record, no shootings, and no gang business whatsoever. And that’s exactly what I needed at that moment. Maybe this Sam/Samuel was good for me. But every time I said his name, my brain couldn’t help but flicker to the opposite of him. It flickered to a brown eyed, messy haired man who would probably shoot Sam in the head if he saw me talking to him.

But for the evening, I needed the distraction. I needed to convince myself that Angeles wasn’t anywhere near and wouldn’t see me pretending this green-eyed cutie was him. So, I kept asking him questions, kept dragging him onto the dance floor and when the place started to become quieter, took him outside to continue our conversation. Serena had left earlier that evening, on her way to her own Sam.

She had spent twenty minutes grilling Samuel though. Asked him out about what he did, what was his history, was he trustworthy… she had even dragged him to the bartender and told him that if I came to him looking scared, the bartender should punch Sam. Poor guy went as pale as a ghost.

But for now we were having fun. It had only been three hours but I already knew so much about this guy. He was the youngest of three brothers, had a bunch of dogs and came from Portland. He was a year older than me, worked part time at the local pizza place and as a way to make me come see him again – had given me like a bunch of coupons for free pizza. Overall, the guy was adorable.

And as hard as I tried not to… I craved Angeles.

XXX

Sick Boy – Chainsmokers

I had frozen. My hand was still on the door handle yet it didn’t move an inch. I couldn’t move. Behind me I could hear shuffling and then a hand was placed on my shoulder.

“What are you doing?” Angeles asks, his voice still sounding nervous.

“I want to leave” I whisper, trying not to start crying. I was weirdly sensitive over the moment. My trust had been broken but somewhere within me, I couldn’t imagine leaving. But I had to. I had no choice.

“Then go” he said, his voice going soft. His hand was still on my shoulder, but I knew if I could actually leave he’d allow me. He wouldn’t force me to stick around. I slowly turn around, daring to make eye contact with him.

“Have you killed people?”

“A lot”

“Did you like it?”

“Only when they deserved it”

“What do you mean by that?” I asked, him taking a step closer to me. His body touched mine, the heat making my legs wobbly.

“If they deserved to die Angel”

“How do you decide who deserves it?” I frown.

“Same way you decide if someone is good or not”

“Doesn’t mean you should kill them”

He shrugged, those eyes inspecting mine. Reading me. Questioning why I was still here. I wanted to know that too.

“Will you ever kill me?” I gulped, biting my lip hard.

Angeles’ eyes widened, his jaw setting. His hands rested on the sides of my head, him taking a deep breath before responding.

“You will never deserve to die Angel. Not in my eyes and not by my hands” he said, “You might be the reason for a few deaths but well, it’s only to protect you” That got me to finally open the door. The lock turned within my hand and I stumbled out, Angeles losing his balance for a moment but quickly recovering.

“I’m sorry” I squeaked before my feet started moving. I rushed down the hall, ignoring Angeles yelling behind me as my feet led me down the stairs. I felt sick, lightheaded and broken. I didn’t need people to die because of me, I didn’t need the guilt of that happening.

“Angel!” his voice was ringing in my ears as I reached the front door. But before I could turn the knob to freedom it opened, revealing the jackass from earlier.

“What are you doing here?” he spat, looking me up and down.

“Leaving” I said, my head snapping to the stairs quickly.

“Where’s he?” Jackson growled, his hand wrapping around my arm.

“I’m fine Jackson, calm down” my eyes glued onto his figure, my face going pale and a feeling of drowsy fear filled me. That type of fear that was so intense you might just faint. He walked down the stairs, his eyes on me constantly, “Were you just going to leave without even saying goodbye?”

“Angeles – please don’t” I said, my voice getting weaker.

“Don’t what?” he said, reaching me. He looked over at Jackson, nudging at him to leave. The man nodded before walking off, his hands in fists.

“Don’t make me say goodbye” I whispered, feeling his hand brushing my cheek.

“Please don’t say goodbye” he said, his voice sounding hoarse. I glanced up at his face, my eyes catching his. They were foggy. Was… was Angeles tearful?

“What if I do?”

“I won’t survive Angel” he said, his eyes falling onto my lips.

XXX

Infinity – One Direction

You could say I was doing a good thing. In the end I didn’t take Sam home with me, but rather had given him my number. It was, on one side, to stop him from becoming just another one night stand and the other side – the more obvious side – was that if Angeles saw Sam, he’d most likely kill him.

So, when I woke up that morning with a message from the nerdy, adorable Sam, I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. He was like a teddy-bear. Safe and cute.

Good morning, it’s Sam

The guy from the club. I hope you don’t regret giving me your number. Just wanted to say that you made my night last night. Actually, made my whole year. Thanks for an amazing time and hope to see you soon. Want to get lunch this afternoon? Sorry if I’m a bit forward.

Sam

I quickly responded to him before getting out of bed, feeling more refreshed than I have the entire week. Sam was going to be a new turning point for me. He wasn’t going to be the hand grenade I held onto for months upon months. No, he was going to be my teddy bear. My comfort.

Quickly getting dressed I left my room, annoyance coming off in waves when I saw Angeles and Serena by the couches. When they heard me, both pulled their attention towards me, Serena smiling happily.

“Well if it isn’t the heartbreaker” Serena grinned, giving me a wink.

Angeles eyebrows furrowed, his smile disappearing for a moment before it reappearing – this one about as real as fat-free chocolate.

“What do you mean?” he smiled, trying to sound light-hearted but I knew him better.

“O, Jenny got a guy last night and spent the whole evening with him. Won’t be surprised if he’s in her room right now” Serena giggled. I watched Angeles’ reaction, it actually quite frightening. His jaw was set and his hands had formed fists. Anger came off in waves from him and I was surprised Serena wasn’t screaming from fear right then and there.

“Serena” I warned, trying to hide my blush. I felt guilty which made no sense, but I couldn’t help how I felt.

“O come on Jen, we’re all adults. Is your Sam in your room or not? Oo Sam! That’s the best part, you two have the same names” she said, looking over at Angeles in glee.

“That’s nice” he said, giving her a kiss on the cheek before turning to me, “So, is he there or not?”

I shook my head, moving over to the kettle and starting to boil the water.

“No spark?” he asked, a hopeful smile sparking from his face.

“Actually, we’re going for lunch this afternoon” I smiled, making a mental note to confirm the date. Serena let out a squeal, her hands clapping together.

“O finally! My girl is getting over that jackass”

“Jackass?” Angeles asked to my annoyance.

“Her ex. complete asshole – she didn’t get over him for months. Had to stop her a few times from calling him and like three times, I had to lock her in her room because she wanted to actually GO to him. But now she’s finally moving on!” Serena said, my blush deepening. Angeles bit his lip, looking away from me.

Something was going on in his brain and I just wish I knew what. I turned away from the two slowly, making my cup of coffee and trying to get my mind clear.

Angeles wasn’t happy. Thought, I didn’t know what feeling he was actually having. Was it anger? Sadness? Regret? Maybe nothing.

Was he concocting some sick plan to ruin my date? Kill Sam? Do something that would make me wish to never have “stepped out of line”? Gulping, I bring the cup to my lips, sipping some of the content. There was shuffling behind me but I was too scared to check what was going on. A slam of the door finally made me turn around. Luckily Serena was the one who had stayed and was beaming at me.

“Sam had to go run some errands” she smiled, moving over to me, “Have you decided what you’re going to wear?”