In and out. In and out.
I felt like my hospital room was a revolving door. Strange that it took a car accident for me to feel wanted for once in my life. Then again, half of them were Nathan’s family, people I’d just met.
The people who came did so because they wanted to see me. They were worried about how I was, if I was bored, and some were worried about my future with Nathan.
Nathan’s whole family was very kind and set on keeping me entertained, keeping my mind off the pain when I was awake. The meds kept me pretty sedated, but almost every time I woke, someone was there.
Sarah, Erin, Teresa, and I could be found playing cards from time to time, or some game someone brought in. Movies came and went, and I was now caught up on many of the recent blockbusters. Well, those I didn’t end up falling asleep watching, which, thanks to all the drugs, was quite often.
Nathan was always there in some capacity, with the exception of work and sleep. Many times he was running errands, usually for non-hospital food for me and whatever guests I had. I still needed time, but there was always touching. It was as if he needed verification I was alive: small caresses and kisses, looks of longing. His declaration and actions left me…confused.
I looked over to the wall, counting down the minutes until he returned, knowing the minute he showed up, I’d be counting the minutes until he left.
It was a sick game my mind played on me.
My heart fluttered when his body filled the space in the doorway, carrying a bag from one of my favorite restaurants.
He smiled as he set it on the table in front of me, leaning down to kiss my forehead before a look of guilt crossed his face.
“What’s going on?” I asked, my eyes following him as he took a step back and tried to hide his cocky grin.
“Nothing.” He grabbed the nearest chair and dragged it over. The legs made an awful scraping sound against the floor. He sat down on the edge, grinning at me. “Anything exciting happen while I was gone?”
“Nope.” I kept staring at him. He’d crack eventually. It was clear he was hiding something, and I could wait him out.
“Shame.”
“Shame you’re acting like a lunatic. Did you find some happy pills in the hallway on the way in? You better tell me…”
“Well, I’m sure you’re bored out of your mind when you’re alone. Not to mention, how many times can you work on the puzzles in the paper, or play solitaire? I know your brain is fuzzy from the drugs and it’s hard to concentrate.” He was spot on there, but he, of all people, should know what it felt like.
I blinked and swallowed. “Okay, so after you took the happy pills, did you tell the doctor with the ice pick you didn’t want a lobotomy? Why did you let him steal the one proper functioning part of your—”
His arm reached around to his back pocket, the movement causing curiosity to cut me off.
My eyes flew open when he pulled out a DVD from behind him.
“Did you bring me porn?” My voice broke.
“Not exactly…” He smirked and held the movie or whatever it was between his two flattened palms.
“Then what? Homemade porn?” That thought excited me.
He rolled his eyes and chuckled. “Come on, do you think they’d let me visit again if I brought you something like that? Besides, I know you can look that stuff up on your phone.”
“Hey!” I pursed my lips and gave a mock scowl.
“It’s something I had to call around to find,” he said.
“Goddammit, Thorne, you’re killing me here. What the hell is it?” I gripped the bars on the bed with my good hand and shook the frame a little for dramatic effect.
It hurt a little, but it was worth it to watch him spring to action.
“Honeybear! Don’t do that. Are you okay?” He inspected me, checked my IV and glanced over my arms, touching them as he went. It gave me chills at the same time my stomach flipped at his term of endearment. “You didn’t hurt yourself, did you?”
I gave him a pitiful expression, then when he was distracted, snagged the DVD from his grip and stuck my tongue out at him.
His jaw dropped, then he grinned and chuckled. “Brat.”
“Asshole. That never seems to change—lobotomy and happy pills or not.” I inspected the case to find out what it was. My whole being stopped when I saw the front.
The 1943 edition of Jane Eyre.
“You know you like it,” he said, looming over me.
“I…I don’t know what to say.”
“Say thank you. That’s what I was told to say after my lobotomy.” He tapped his forehead.
“Thank you. But how did you know?”
It was my favorite of the classics I’d been forced to read in high school, and the only one I liked. I read it over and over and as I devoured the words, I felt like I was reading about myself in some ways. I could relate to Jane—she became my role model—and I hoped one day for my own Mr. Rochester.
In my heart, I knew I’d found him in Nathan even if my heart hurt. I dared to hope, even with as angry as I was.
“I have my ways.” He leaned over and kissed my temple.
Normally, I would have glared at him for doing that, but I was speechless at his gift.
“Teresa?” He confirmed my suspicion with a nod, pressing his lips together. “That woman…” I shook my head, still smiling. I was living with her when I first rented it from the library. She sat next to me when I watched it for the first time, and didn’t mind when I watched it again and again.
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We all have our little unmentionable fetishes.” He laughed.
I was pretty sure I knew all of his.
“Well, fuck, if that’s what they teach you after lobotomies, maybe I need to get one, too.” I hugged the DVD to my chest. “Let’s keep this crazy to ourselves.”
“I already told the nurses you’d want to be left alone tonight.”
I grinned. I sure would.
I tucked the case under the covers, the smile unable to leave my face. There was nothing wrong with romantic fantasies, and it had been a long time since I let myself indulge in such things.
The perv loved every minute of my reaction, my face reddening with each passing second. Damn him and his goofy lobotomy grin. There was a resurgence of some feeling in my body, and I knew it had nothing to do with the drugs in my system.
I stared out at the crashing blue waves, my hands sinking into the warm sand. The sun was bright overhead, and in the background I heard laughing.
Not really a laugh, but a giggle, high-pitched and full of glee. I scanned the beach and saw a familiar brown-haired man.
Nathan.
He was off a little ways to my left, chasing a small girl. Her hair was the same light brown as his, reflecting brightly under the strong light of the sun. I moved to stand, to go to them, but my movement was restricted. I felt weighted down, too heavy to properly move.
Looking down, I found my stomach, bulging out from between my hips, round and full. Out of nowhere there was a giggling sound, pulling my attention away from the mountain that my stomach had transformed into. To my right, there was a little boy, clapping as he watched Nathan play with the little girl. The child’s hair was white-blond, and when he turned to me, a warmth spread through me. Those eyes. The same deep blue color as Nathan’s were boring into me. I smiled reflexively at him.
“Daddy and Anna play. I play too!” He squealed in excitement, his words slurred by toddler speech.
They heard him and headed toward us. Nathan was beaming while he watched the little girl run in our direction.
She bounded up to me. “Mommy! Mommy! Look at the shell I found!”
I took the large conch shell in my hand. “It’s beautiful, sweetie,” I said, admiring the colors of the recently abandoned shell. It hadn’t been bleached by the sun and the salt yet. I turned it around in my hands, stopping when a glint of light caught my eye. Looking at my left hand, I found a large diamond ring surrounded by two simple white gold bands.
“Anna, play!” The little boy cried out.
The little girl, Anna, took the small boy’s hand. “Come on, Jackson! Let’s go!”
His little Buddha belly protruded out as he stood, dancing about and unable to contain his delight at playing with his sister. They ran down the beach toward where the waves crawled up the sand.
“Not too far, Anna!” Nathan called out while plopping down next to me in the sand. He leaned forward and captured my lips. “Hello, beautiful.”
“Hi,” I replied, breathless.
“Mmm, you look good enough to eat. Mind if I have a nibble? I’m starving.”
At that, he lowered his head and began licking and nipping my neck. He was making funny growling noises as his head moved back and forth.
I started giggling at his actions. “Nate, the children,” I hissed under my breath.
“Are fine.” His actions slowed, and then his teeth sank farther into my flesh. My eyes widened, and the familiar heat that only Nathan could produce blazed through me. A moan slipped past my lips. “When we get home,” he whispered in my ear, “I’m going to do bad things to you.”
I licked my lips, and my breathing increased as my cheeks flamed. He pulled away, his face lighting up with a sly smirk.
I pouted. “That wasn’t nice.”
His head tilted back, his chest heaving, as a laugh I’d never heard from him came out. He wore a mischievous smile and winked at me before turning his attention to the two little ones who were laughing and running away from an incoming wave.
I felt a kick in my stomach and my hand flew to the spot. Nathan noticed the motion and turned to me, placing his hand on my skin. “My little girl wants to play with her siblings, huh?” He leaned down and kissed my stomach. “You’re not quite done yet, little one. Soon.”
I reached up and began playing with his hair. It was so silky in my fingers. I sighed in contentment, looking at what my life had become—what Nathan and I had evolved into.
It was beautiful. We were a family, a real one. My heart was soaring at the thought.
Beep.
Beep? I wondered, my hands still playing with his locks.
The strange beeping became incessant, steady. It pulled me away from the beautiful vision in front of me. I held onto Nathan’s hair, refusing to let go. It was everything my heart desired.
Beep.
A bright light began to envelope everything, our children fading away. I began to panic, hearing the beeping increase as I called out for them to come back. It was so bright, enveloping everything. Taking away what I’d always wished for.
And then there was nothing but pain for a few seconds.
My eyes began to open, fighting against the glue that seemed to be keeping them shut. The morning light seeped through the windows. My hand twitched, and I felt something between my fingers. I looked down to find Nathan’s familiar hair beneath my palm. His head was lying on his arm, his other hand draped on my stomach. He was asleep.
I’d been dreaming.
I studied him. There were dark circles under his eyes, and his face was gaunt. He seemed thinner, too. I hadn’t noticed how terrible he looked because I refused to really take a good look at him. I didn’t want to.
The dream resurfaced, and in my mind I remembered how good, how healthy, he looked. I also remembered the family we had. I had dreamed of him, dreamed of us, and what we could be.
My walls were cracking. I wanted it. I wanted it so badly. I wanted him.
My fingers combed through his hair, and I wondered if I’d been doing that in my sleep? Had I known he was there and reached out to him?
It wouldn’t surprise me. I never could deny the draw I had to him. The more I thought about letting him in, the more my chest constricted, my breathing more labored.
It would be up to him. If he wanted me as much as he claimed, he would have to show me.
Everything.
Nothing less would allow me to open back up to him. No more hiding. He would have to let it all out before I even considered.
He stirred and my fingers stilled. His eyes opened, and I stared down at him. They closed again, and his head pushed up into my hand as he let out a sigh of contentment.
“Hi,” he croaked. I didn’t respond. I was muted as his blue eyes gazed up at me in reverence. “How are you feeling?” His hand rose from my stomach and moved a strand of hair from my face.
“You really want an answer to that?” Just because he brought me food and movies, did not mean everything was wonderful.
“That bad, huh?”
I shrugged as best I could. “Broken heart, broken body, and broken soul. Not sure I can get more broken than that.”
He cringed against my words. “I’m going to work on fixing all those things.”
“You have a plan for that?”
“It’s formulating. Slowly, but it’s coming.”
I quirked my brow at him. “Are you sure about that?”
“It’s a twelve-step program.”
My lips twitched. “Really? What’s step number one?”
“Admitting I’m in love with you…to you and myself.”
I stared at him, unable to respond, but my heart was beating at a furious pace and, thanks to the heart monitor, Nathan was aware of it, as well. “Step two?”
He let out a hard breath and sat up, my hand falling from his hair, and he took it in his. “Gather the strength to tell you about, well, everything.”
“How long will that step take, do you think?”
“I’m hoping by the time you’re released I’ll have a plan in place.”
“That doesn’t give you much time.”
He shook his head, lips pressed together. “No.”
“That’s only two steps.”
“Well, I’m thinking groveling will come into play somewhere,” he said as he stared off into the distance, lost in thought. “I’m going to push my fears down, if step two works, so we can move onto step three.”
“I wish I knew what your fears are,” I whispered.
He lifted my hand to his mouth and kissed my knuckles. “Soon. As soon as we get you home.” He glanced up at the clock on the far wall and looked back to me. It was almost eight. “I have to get to the office.” He scooted back from the bed. It was then I noticed he was dressed in a different suit from yesterday.
My brow scrunched, and even that hurt. “How long have you been here?”
“A few hours,” he admitted. “You have surgery prep soon, and then Caroline will be in around lunch. That should be around the time you wake up. After that, my mom and Erin are going to keep you company until I get out of work.”
I winced, not wanting to think about being under for surgery. Especially knowing I would be facing it alone. No one would be right outside the surgery doors praying, pacing, or waiting. I swallowed the fear down like a cold, hard lump. My eyes slid closed for a moment, to brace myself, buoy my courage back, and keep it surfaced long enough to get through the ordeal of more trauma on my poor mangled body.
I opened my eyes and tried to focus on the strong, striking features of his handsome face. What if this was the last time I saw it? What if I died on the operating table? No, I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. And it didn’t help to let these morbid thoughts be entertained for even a second. I will see you again!
“Oh, okay,” I responded. It was all I could say. I didn’t want to break down.
He leaned down and kissed my forehead, then with hesitance, moved down to my lips. He thought better of it before we connected and slid to my cheek instead.
“I love you,” he whispered in my ear.
He turned and walked out the door, glancing back at me before disappearing.
Tears welled in my eyes as everything we talked about looped through my mind. I wanted to say “I love you, too,” but that wouldn’t do either of us any good. I wanted the dream.
Soon after, a nurse entered my room and began talking to me about my upcoming surgery. I could hear what she was saying, but I didn’t comprehend most of it.
I was too scared to think straight—I’d never had surgery before.
Nathan, our children… I focused on the dream I had. I needed to go to a happy place and the dream was my new fantasyland. Surgery was too overwhelming to think about. In order to keep from crying, I said my phantom family’s names over and over again.
Anna.
Jackson.
Baby girl in my tummy, whom I loved as much as the ones running circles around my beach ball belly.
And Nathan… Always Nathan.
Would they wait for me, and be my future someday?
It was all too terrifying to think of, but the warmth, the love I felt on that beach in my dream was so real. More real than these harsh hospital walls I was staring at.
The nurse said something about calming down and taking some deep breaths. That was when I realized I was borderline hyperventilating.
It all became a blur after that. Before I knew it, I was in the operating room and the anesthesiologist was telling me to count to ten.
I only made it to seven.
