Prologue

"The reality is that you'll grieve forever.

You'll not 'get over' the loss

but learn to live with it, every single waking moment.

You'll heal and rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered.

You'll be whole again,

but you will never be the same again

Nor should you be the same,

nor would you want to be

And that is the reality of true loss."

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and John Kessler

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"It's just too hard and I just want to forget ever meeting you, but more importantly I wish I never wrote you into existence," I sighed and turned my back towards him, not wanting to see the sunken look his eyes would form from my words.

"Is that really how you feel, Val?" He asked, over the noise of the raindrops hitting my window.

I did. It was the truth. He had ruined everything but I guess I was also at fault for allowing it to happen... for being weak and letting him in.

My breath wavered. "If it prevented me from being lost and miserable without you. From ever having to suffer every day without this pain, then yes... yes I would."

His long arm thread around my waist and I could feel his chest against my back, breathing in and then out. They echoed with mine.

"I hate you," was all I could get out but even then it was barely a whisper.

"No you don't," his warm voice rumbled behind me, straight into my left ear as his head laid atop the crown of my neck, in the same quiet tone.

"I should. I really should." I stared out of the window, watching the storm that took place outside, trying but failing to ignore the bolts of electricity shooting across my skin from his touch and having him so close to me, that I could smell his musky cologne.

A few tears started to descend from my eyes, clouding the image before me.

He stepped in front of me, releasing my waist and placing his hands on my cheeks, lifting my head so I face him. "But you don't."

As he bends down to kiss my forehead, the room suddenly lights up for a second, then a loud growl of thunder follows thereafter. I jumped in shock from its intensity.

"Dan? Daniel?!" I called out, finding myself alone in my room. There was no answer but rather complete silence. Without a moment to waste, I walked straight to the door of my room and ripped it open to search for my boyfriend. Only when I'm out in the hallways, do I realise and remember that he was no longer with us.

It had been two months since I had seen his lifeless body buried sixty feet beneath me. Another month since I had shed a tear or shown any sorts of emotions.

"Honey, are you okay?" My mom asked, stepping out of her bedroom from across the hall. Like always I didn't answer and like always she took my silence as a no.

"You had another dream about Daniel, didn't you?" She asked me as she led me back to my room and I nodded in response.

She then sits me down on my bed and then wraps her arm around as I lay my head on her chest.

"I'm sorry for waking you up," I say flatly, as she strokes my hair with her hand.

"It's okay, Val." She whispers into my ears and continues holding me tightly in her arms. "It really hurts me to see you like this, you know." Her voice now cracking, solidifying the lump in my throat.

Once my body stopped shaking and I began breathing at a normal pace, she let go of me.

As I look up at her face, I see that her lips have formed a thin line. She averts her gaze to the floor, so I won't have to see the anguish in her eyes. She always wants to appear strong in front of me, even though I know she's hurting inside.

"Why don't I fetch you some warm milk and you can go crawl back into bed," she says, giving me a brief, forced smile before it drops to a thin line once again.

I nod and then she ups and leaves, closing the door behind her. With fatigue starting to wear me down once again, I do what I'm told.

I slowly climbed under my covers, placed my head on the pillow and waited for my mother, making sure to keep all thoughts of Daniel at bay.