Chapter 8: Live With Fear

When my son got tired of playing, we decided to went to a seafood restaurant that Bea used to take me to even now.

Bea ordered a lot of foods, like a finger seafood platter. That dish is mixed on a platter like fried tilapia or catfish fillet, shrimp, blue crab cake, stuffed shrimp, stuffed crab with French fries. Sam loved it, he even thought it was all just fried chicken, He loved crunchy foods.

Bea also ordered our favorite dish, the grilled rock lobster with mashed red potatoes and broccoli on it. And of course, the langoustine and salmon ravioli. Bea even ordered a dessert trio — sweet potato pecan pie, turtle fudge brownie, and key lime pie with vanilla ice cream toppings.

It's really different when we earn too much because we can afford so much expensive lunch for ourselves. Not out of envy, I can also eat out with Mother Martha and my son, but not just in such an expensive restaurant like Bea brought us.

After lunch, we wandered around the mall. After passing the World of Fun, Sam ran there again and played various games. When he got tired, I picked him up, and Bea and I went inside the grocery first. I bought the ones missing at home.

“Bea, will you please wait for me here? I am just going to the comfort room first before we going home.”

"Sure, Cha, I'll take care of the child," she said.

I was in a hurry to use the comfort room. But when I came out, I was suddenly shocked. My world stopped when I saw someone in the huge hallways. My whole being was stunned, pale, and confused.

Oh, my God. Is this real? Is he real?

I rolled my eyes just to make sure what I was seeing was real.

Oh, my God, it's true…

To my amazement, I did not expect him to look in my direction. I swallowed and blinked. When I recovered, I suddenly turned around and immediately ran into a lot of people just to avoid his gaze at me.

I feel like, he’s going to approach me, I don’t know if that’s really what he’s going to do. But I had better stay away.

He was not all alone. He was with somebody. A girlfriend or wife?

This should not have happened. Our paths shouldn't meet again. It was only one night. That should stay all there. Yes, I admit that it has been a big perversion in my life. But when I think about my Son, I lose all the regret that I have felt. It would rather have happened than to have no child right now.

When I was sure that no one was watching, I immediately went to where Bea and my Son is. I led them home immediately. Bea even asked me why I was in such a hurry to go home. I just make some excuse, my headache.

When we got home, I freely breathed a sigh of relief. I immediately put Sam in his room and laid him down on the bed. He was sleeping peacefully. I stared at him and stroked his forehead.

"What happened earlier and why you're in a hurry to go home?" Bea asked, following me.

"I saw him there," I said while still staring at my Son's face.

“Huh? What do you mean? Who? ”

I looked at her and saw that her forehead was furrowed.

“I–I never thought I would see him this day. I know he recognized me based on his expression. I don't know if I'm just imagining it or what.” I sighed. “What if he did know me? And what if I had my Son with me that time? Can I just avoid him?” I asked in succession. "That person looks very much like my Son, so Sam is definitely his son," I stated.

We just recently talked about this kind of thing with Bea. Could God hear us? So what Bea always insisted that we would meet one day, then it happened today.

Oh, dear God. This is not a joke.

“W–wait! Wait, who are you referring to?” She asked still not have an idea who I was referring to.

“Bea! I saw him. I saw my son’s father.”

“Really? Oh, my, that's why you were in a hurry to go home earlier.” She sat on the side of the bed in front of me.

“He was almost near me. we've been staring at each other for a second.”

"A-are you sure?" I nodded. She was immediately speechless. “Uhm… M–maybe it’s a sign, Cha. Destiny brings you two closer for your child.”

“But I wasn't ready for that meeting. Gosh, I don't know if he still remembers me, eh, it only happened one night.” I stood up and walked around in front of her. "It's only just one night! Only one night, Bea. We are both drunk. So what did I expect? Will he still remember me? He had a girl with him, eh, what if it was his wife, Bea? No more excuses. Obviously that person has a family.”

“You’re so paranoid, Charmane. Calm down and sit here. It's over, it's over and you two already met again. You don’t hold the time. God still really knows what will happen next. Avoid everything, but if destiny really wants it to happen, eh, there's nothing you can do about it. Even if you try to avoid it, you will only get tired. And If she were his wife, what would that woman care? the important thing is, he will also know that you have a child,” he said in a litany.

“My God, Bea. I no longer knew what I would do if our paths crossed again. I hope not. That’s enough.” I'm still nervous now.

“Try not to escape, Cha. that is the easy way to find out if he still knows you. If you hadn't avoided him a while ago, all your questions have been answered by now. You wouldn't be paranoid now thinking of 'what ifs' there. And you would also know if his wife is the one with him. Now, you don’t have to worry because you were the only one when you met him a while ago, ‘isn’t it?”

Maybe she was right. And at least I was the only one Lee had seen there.

I just sighed at what Bea said. She has a point. No matter how much I avoid that man, if destiny finds a way, maybe I can't do anything.

“Oh, are you quiet there? Any problem?” She asked.

"Yes, I still really have a problem with my Mom and family." I bit my lips. My problem is too big. So sometimes there is no more space for fun.

“That's because you have been lying to them for three years. Maybe if I were one of your family, I would be really angry with you too. I can’t believe you. How can you hide from them that you already have a child?” I really feel guilty. It's like I'm going to explode. “But they can't do anything. Because it's already there. All you have to do is tell the truth. You know what, Cha? It is difficult to live with fear in the heart. Always remember that it is good to live without worries. Now, you have to choose where you want to belong.”

That night I thought of nothing but what Bea said. Yeah, she was right. It's nice to live without worrying about what's wrong. I really had to do something. I really want to tell my parents everything. But how? I don't want to confess through video calls. They will attacked and fly here anytime and also I am worst worried about my parent's health.

I feel sad somehow. After all, I can't afford to take Sam to America because I don't have much money for him to get there.

Oh, how could I survive in this world full of lies and secrets? My God, I am confused about my situation and feel sorry for my son.