Kyle
"Guys- this is Nathan". Jared announces and pats the new guy's shoulder. "He moved here from Winchester. Right?"
"Manchester, " Nathan replies super seriously with an exaggerated accent. We all laugh and I can't help but think he seems like a cool guy.
"Oh, right. Sorry."
"No worries. Even I forget where I am or where I come from sometimes."
I heard Christina talking about the two new guys the other day, so that must be Jeremy's brother.
"Do you play hockey too?" I ask.
"Nay. I'm not a very good team player. I do some kickboxing, though. I mean I did back home. But yeah, not much anyway. "
"That's cool. "
"Well, it explains the tattoos. Is that even legal?" someone asks.
"How does that explain tatts, man?"
"I don't know, kinda part of the style."
"You're so dumb, Mike."
"Wanna try my uppercut, Tylor?'
"What? Go to hell, Jazz"
"Why don't you...."
They keep fooling around and I look at Nathan's arms. He's wearing a plain white T-shirt which allows me to see they are mostly covered in ink. Different sizes, themes. Some letters, but overall they look random and not connected in any way.
I wonder if his brother has tattoos too. My mind wanders and I stop listening to whatever they're talking about. My eyes search the room when I see him. Jeremy's talking to Eva and she's outright laughing at something he's saying. I had no idea he was funny.
He didn't strike me as the funny type. Or maybe he is.
I tried to talk to him a few times the other day- the usual hi, what's up, but he simply ignores me. I look away, but I can't help looking back at him. He's wearing a band hoodie. I think the name under the print says Tool or something similar.
Jeremy wore a similar one yesterday, another band though. I checked it when I got home - the music he listens to is a bit weird, mostly stuff from the 90-ies grunge stage.
It's kinda cool I don't know- it suits him. I can't imagine him listening to something else, like pop. That's a no for sure.
His dark hair's a bit overgrown, almost shaggy and from the little I've seen so far, he never bothers to put it in order. It's like he's been outside and the wind's muffled his strands, so when he came back inside the locks just stayed that way.
I wonder if it'll be soft if I run my hands through it. He sometimes puts it behind his ear but it quickly falls back in his eyes and when that happens he seems to be pissed off.
Weird, but the first time I saw him doing it I thought it was a really cool gesture when he runs his hand through his hair; I hadn't seen anyone do it until later I realized girls did it all the time.
My sisters included, I'd just never noticed it before. I have no idea what the hell I am thinking, so
I quickly avert my eyes, afraid someone's heard my thoughts. I have to say something, try to get back to the conversation, maybe.
"What about the girls here, Nathan? " I ask and the boys start booing and calling for more drinks.
"I can't believe it, " Jared says, his voice over the others’ "Kyle McDavid's talking about girls. Y'all, something's in the air. I was starting to get worried the ice's frozen your balls, dude."
The others keep talking after the usual jokes about more balls and girls, but what Jared said kind of makes me wonder if I have never spoken about girls before.
No, that's not possible. I mean, I've never really thought about that.
I tried dating a girl I met last year during camp training, but that was for like-what- a week? We never did anything beyond kissing. And honestly- it was kind of unpleasant, so I didn't want to go on. She wasn't very impressed with my skills either, or it was way too obvious to her I'm not much into it and we just left it at that. We decided to remain friends after, but she lives super far away from here, so we can't be that either.
* * *
When I get home later I go straight to the garage.
Someone's brought a black 1967 Mustang Shelby GT500. It's insane –I've never seen that car anywhere except for in the movies. I have no clue whose it is but I really wanna try helping Dad fix it.
We don't have the spare parts he's got to change, so while waiting for delivery I'll go check the tires. Anything, I just need an excuse to go stay with it for a while.
"I don't need another man in the house spending most of his time in the company of cars when they should be sleeping." My mom's standing at the entrance, leaning on the door frame and smiling.
"Oh, hey Mom. " I look up at her "I just wanted to check a few things. I can't go to sleep yet."
I'm still checking the heat exchangers but I don't have experience with those, I gotta ask Dad tomorrow.
"I thought you were having a party tonight- I wasn't expecting you to be here."
"Well, we did but I left." I pause, wondering whether to go on.
"We have a new classmate, by the way."
I try casually. When she doesn't say anything I continue.
"Moved here from England. He's a bit different but I don't know... " I'm frowning at the intercooler " He's constantly scowling at stuff but I don't think he hates everything that much. It's probably because he hasn't found anything to smile at yet. "
I can't believe I said something so lame out loud just now.
"Is he on the team as well?" my mother asks.
"Nah, I don't think he cares about any sport at all. Besides, he's too small for hockey. Probably chess, although he doesn't seem to be the type to be bothered to sit through all that. "
I imagine Jeremy sitting across his opponent, getting pissed at how slow the other player is, eventually dumping everything and leaving. There's a pause and when I look up at my mom I see she's tilted her head, her brown eyes -same as mine- regarding me.
"What is it?"
"You've never mentioned anyone outside the team, or your friends from the neighborhood before."
"Uhh," I'm wiping my hands in a towel, harder now. " Yeah? Maybe. I don't know why I said it, forget it."
I trying to rip that towel apart. She comes closer and puts a hand on my shoulder.
"You know you can always talk to me if something is troubling you, right Kyle? And never apologize for the way you feel."
"I know, Mom. Thanks. "
"Don't put so much pressure on yourself about the games. You are doing wonderful, way more than that. Your Father just sometimes forgets you get tired too, but I make sure to remind him you do."
"I'm fine. Really, nothing's happened. We just have a new classmate, that's all." I kiss her on the cheek
"I'm going to bed. Don't tell anyone I'm still kissing my Mom goodnight, it'll ruin my image. "
"I would never. "
"And if you agree to make us pancakes for breakfast tomorrow, I promise to pick up Stela after practice ."
" You have to pick her up anyway because I'll have to be in the office at least until seven." she laughs but agrees to the breakfast menu.
D Fox The story Nathan talks about when he explains his tattoos is Sakura Gari (The Hunt for Cherry Blossoms) by the brilliant Yuu Watase. He was the character I was most hesitant about when writing, just because Nathan is the ‘misunderstood’ one; the one even I couldn’t always understand. Everything starts with Jeremy, who speaks to the reader whenever he’s uncomfortable; he breaks the fourth wall in an attempt to escape, until he finally stops because he’s found his way. Partly thanks to Kyle, partly because of himself. And by the end, Eva is the one who starts talking to us. Gray Daze is the novel I began writing even before The Gentleman’s Code. I was just afraid of writing about some of the topics here. Afraid, because I know everyone dealing with any kind of emotional trauma, or however you want to name mental health problems (I hate the word problems, especially in this context, but that’s how they’re listed in the Mental Health Foundation List) has a different experienc
Eva "Eva, I'm off. Don't forget to eat something before you go to your part-time, okay?" “Okay. “ “Bye then, “ "No, Mom. Wait." I rush down the stairs and catch her right before she's closed the door from the outside. "Wait." "What is it." “Nothing. “ I kiss her lightly on the cheek "Just wanted to say have a nice shift." "Is this because I found out about the tattoo?" "No," I smile, "Because of everything else." My mother smiles at me and cups my face. “I’m your mother, Eva. “ “But still…” She pauses and when she speaks again, her voice is full of affection and understanding. "We all make mistakes. Look at me. And we're all first teenagers before we become adults. So don't think just because I am old, I don't remember what it's like to be 18." "Okay, I know, I just..." I cast my eyes down, and even though it hadn't been her intention, I feel guilty. Not for now. But for before, for all the things I've thought about her or called her in my head. "Okay, Eva
KyleI hear footsteps coming my way, as I'm lying under a car in Dad's garage, trying to fix the breaks of an old model they just brought in.I know it's not Jeremy because he's with Stela and they wouldn't be so quiet if they came in.I slide from under it and see my father."Dad?"We've been walking carefully around each other in the past few days.The reason- well, he knows about my grand show at the finals."Hello, Kyle.""Uhh, I'm almost done here, is there anything else I need to fix? I thought you'll be working on the truck. "I have no idea what he's doing here."No, you... That's enough for today once you finish with that one you can go.""Uh, okay."I'm still lying, waiting for him to continue.My father props himself against the front of one of the cars opposite me and crosses his arms.Then he relax
"Eva? Really? ""Yeah, why? "" I'm Adam. ""You are kidding," Chris exclaims and I give him a flat look."That's not your real name.""Does it matter?"The guy asks and leans forward, placing his palms on the table we've been standing around."No," I say, "It doesn't.""Are you a friend of Max's?"Chris asks and the guy, maybe his name is Adam for real, and he shakes his head. "No, my friend is. I don't know anyone here.""You do now."Chris says teasingly and they exchange a smile."You have a friend here, let's go to him. I wanna meet him."I'm pretty sure Chris is getting tipsy, but that shouldn't be a problem.On the contrary.We go back to the living room, where I see an unfamiliar face, and I assume that's Adam's friend.He's another cute guy, not that tall, but it's still evident he works out.Adam introduces u
"Eva!"Chris hugs me when she sees me enter the room at Max's.It's crowded, as usual.I can't help but glance at the piano, and that time when I first spoke to Nathan.It feels like two lifetimes ago."I wasn't sure you'd come," she says worriedly.But I'm not worried, not anymore. I don’t care f he’s here or not. I might be lying to myself, but I’m trying to sound as persuasive as possible, even in my head. So far it hasn’t been working, but I’m doing my best."Well," I smile widely, “I have a reason to celebrate too. ““Yeah?”“The principal let me off the hook this time.“"No!""Yes," I say and Chris hugs me again.“I mean, it wasn’t that simple, but he said considering my previous record, he won’t suspend me.““Oh, my god, that’s awesome. We really should cel
* * *We won. We didn't only win, but we won with a big difference. It’s indescribable, I feel my hands are shaking while I am taking my skates off. Even an hour later, the exhilaration still hasn’t died yet and I hear the others singing and banding the walls on their way to the lockers. They all come in together, I guess I’m busted because I kind of ran away again."Sorry, guys," I say and laugh "But I just thought that's the thing to do." "Are you crazy? " Will pushes past Mile and says "We were with you since the beginning. I don't care where you put your thing as long as it's not in me." "Yeah, Kyle. I mean, “ Max says, “I knew ever since I saw you with Jeremy at my place." "Really?" "Well, yeah. I don't know, man. Just- I don't care, what you do is your business. I don't think anyone else besides Jared had a problem with it." "And his actual problem was you're better. That's all." Will says"I can't believe you think that,"“Of course we do. That's more girls for us, right
Kyle"All right, listen up," Coach gathers us all right before the game."That's your most important game. Not only because we're almost at the finals, but because tonight the audience is not just your grannies or cousins, all right?""Yes, Coach,"We say together and he continues "Tonight there are recruiters from some of the top league teams. Do you know what this means?"It's like we're retarded. Of course, we know what it means, but we can't tell him that, so we shout in agreement again."Now get your asses out there and if you impress the right people, your future is something to be proud of. Come on and let's kick The Knights' asses."Everyone starts booing and we lift our sticks and get out on the ice.My teammates are excited, dizzy with the adrenaline, and the amazing prospect of either being offered a scholarship, or invited to an actual professional team.&nbs
"You stupid bitch, who do you think you are?" Maddison pulls my hair and my hand goes automatically for hers, pulling harder.It probably looks nothing like fighting in movies.It's mostly hair-pulling and shouting.I feel hands around my waist, pulling me back.I see someone else's arms wrap around Maddison and there's enough space around us now that I can pause and take a breath. "You're crazy," She keeps shouting at me and I push my classmates to hold me.The damage- I did pull her hair extensions and they're now on the floor.Some of the guys around are laughing, others are frowning at her eye, turning blue very quickly. Me. Well. I feel the blood of my split lip trickling and my hand shots to wipe it clean and I flinch as I do so, because it stings. The reason for all of this-Maddison is wearing the scarf I saw in Nathan's room.
Oh, there it is, I think to myself. This is what probably Nathan meant when he said addiction never goes away.He not only meant it doesn't go away for you but also the people around you.I guess they suspect him every time he is home after eleven.I shake my head, somehow understanding why he doesn't like trusting people.Trust is a two-way street, and, even his closest, or at least those that are supposed to be his closest ones, don't trust him."No, Jeremy," I say and smile "Don't worry. He's fine. We're fine."He frowns and something passes his face."What?""No, nothing. That's good, then. Just don't trust him too much, all right? ""I thought you were his brother."I joke."Exactly."He holds my eyes for a second and I decide to change the topic."Okay, I’ll keep it in mind. Thank for…for the warning. And you? How are thing