Chapter 4

That day when Noah walked out on me, leaving me rattled with my own thoughts, I knew it was time for me to build my strength and start living once again, for there is no one more important than myself.

No more divided attention and ensuring that all the people in my life feel cared for. They kept taking and taking and me, silly old me kept on giving until there was nothing left to give. I am left as a hollow shell filled with an empty void that the world so kindly provides.

I need to stop being so kind to all. People, in this modern era we live in, only use you and afterwards when they have taken all that's needed from you they make it their personal duty to discard you, kick you to the curb the instant they get what they wanted.

Such a tragedy. 

It has been a month. My father finally decided to take me to the countryside where he grew up as a child in Italy. When I told him and my mother about Noah they knew marrying is not in the cards for me in this lifetime. 

They knew the deep love I have, not for Noah. He was my forever, but I guess our forever would just always remain a dream.

My dad showed me everything he used to do as a kid. We even went horseback riding. It was just marvellous. 

I dreamed of going there with Noah. I would be lying if I'd say that I didn't see Noah in every moment I shared with my dad. 

The fact that I should not even think about him angers me and makes me think more about him. 

No man has hurt me in the way he did. The fact that there is no man before him makes it even more sad. He was my first in almost every way. 

He said that he wants to be all my firsts and also all my lasts. I guess he got his wish, because he ruined me beyond repair. 

"Bella dear, me and your father are thinking about going away this weekend. Would you like to tag along with us? It would be a fun family getaway. Just like back in the day.", the bright smile on my mom's face seems so contagious, but I just can't bring myself to smile along. 

A weekend away would probably do me good, but it would have been my wedding this Saturday and all I feel like is crawling back in bed without having to face any people.

I shook my head at my mom.

The smile on her face falls a bit as she walks to where I am seated on the windowsill of my now bedroom. Her arms drape around my shoulders, giving them a soft reassuring squeeze. The smell of vanilla makes me feel like I am a child again. 

Whenever anything in my life went askew, she would wrap me up in a tight hug, the constant scent of vanilla made me feel safe and made my world right once again. 

"Oh darling, what Noah did to you was horrible and not even to talk about Amia's part in it, but you have to let go and find your own happiness, Bella.", she says in that sweet motherly tone she had a lifetime to perfect.

The floodgates once again opened on their own accord. I thought my tear tanks were empty, but the moisture running down my cheeks tells me another tale. 

"Mom I was pregnant.", the words slip out in the deafening silence past my quivering lips. 

Why I hadn't told my mother and father about the loss of my unborn child yet was still a myth to me, but letting those words free finally after so long feels so liberating.

The look on my mother's face after having what I said registered in her brain made me shrink inside. The same feeling passed me as a child when I have been more than just a tiny bit naughty, but the words that left her mouth said otherwise.

"But that just can't be darling. You would have told us.", tears not only stained my cheeks any more but were glistening in my mother's eyes. The blue swirls just intensified the sadness suddenly infected on their owner.

"Mom.", I say, the word cracking while more tears flowed.

It was too painful to look my mother in the eyes. Here pain just made me ache more and more than I already am. 

My gaze lowered. "When I found out I couldn't contain myself.", my soft smile spreads on my lips as I remember that life changing moment. "I've been feeling quite under the weather for some time. That's when I decided to take a test."

"When I saw the two lines. I knew I needed to go see a doctor for confirmation and so I did.", I stood up from my position on the windowsill and rummaged through my bedside drawer. There I found two beautiful photos. 

I take them into my hands. My legs lead me back to where my mom stood in tears. "The doctor said I'm going to have twins. Look mom.", I shove the pictures into her hands. 

My body starts to suddenly shake. An excruciating pain shoots through my skull, inflicting pain to every nerve in my body. 

My legs folded underneath me. The plush carpet broke my fall. 

My mom talked to someone, but it couldn't be my dad. He went out to a pub for lunch with some friends of his. 

Before I lost all consciousness I smelled her vanilla scent right next to me. I knew at that moment I was okay with whatever was going to happen.

•●•

I fluttered my eyes open just to meet mysterious blue pools that I once upon a time lost my soul in. 

The beeping in the room made me aware of my placement in a hospital bed, yet again. 

My mind felt hazzed. My memories of what happened before I fell unconscious were a big blur. 

The ultrasound pictures–

As I was trying to piece the puzzle back together his voice penetrated my mind. 

"I heard you were admitted to hospital and I just had to see whether you're fine.", he says. His tone is rather cool and very monotonous. 

"Where are my parents?", I ask in a monotonous way as well, not bothering to inquire how he is still aware of my whereabouts.

His eyes glazed over me. There was something more than frost in his irises, an emotion so faint that I just can't pinpoint it. 

His stare never faltered as the words escaped their icy prison.

"She went home an hour ago. The doctor asked her to get some rest, because she was here the whole night." 

"They said that you had a seizure.", the words shocked me. I thought I had simply just fainted, but then I remembered the agonising pain. 

My heart rate went up as I remembered the pain, but a soft stroke was felt on my cheek. 

He is so close, so near that I can breathe him in. His citrus and cinnamon aftershave filled my senses making my heart rate sped up even more. 

"I still love you Bella. I thought I could forget you, but I can't.", he says. His hand is still stroking my cheek while he stares right into my soul.

"Y-you left.", I stutter.

Why in the world would I show weakness in front of him? The man who walked out on his fiancée. The same person who slept with her best friend, well ex best friend now. Who impregnated a woman who killed my unborn babies.

"You deserve better. I screwed up. More than that I ruined everything good that we had.", I can see the pain floating between the ice of his eyes, but can he see the pain suffocating me day by day.

"I don't want to leave Bella anymore. For heaven's sake I want to marry you and ride into a sunset together, how cliché that may ever be.", his voice soft, but demanding, set free his deepest desire.

I can feel the tear dropping from my eye. 

I shouldn't show weakness in front of him. I'm a strong woman. A woman with integrity. One that has the power to destroy everyone in her wake that inflicted pain in any sort of way one her.

Before I could wipe away the tear and his hand, his lips were planted on mine. Moving against mine begging for entry. 

My strong willed mind felt like it went from a solid object to a mushy substance. All I could feel was his lips and how it tastes. My lips parted and our tongues danced together once more. 

The kiss was filled with longing and desire. A mere month was way too long for our beings to be apart. 

I'm still raging with fury for this man and what he has done to me, but all this can't merely be an obsession or infatuation. To still feel the current search through me and reactivating every nerve in my being truly makes one wonder if this can really be love. 

To feel the pain of betrayal so strongly within oneself, but love as much at the same time. 

Can that even be possible? 

As we drew apart all I could do was reminisce about the feeling of his lips on mine. The minty taste that rested on his tongue. 

The heart monitor was slowly, but surely coming to a normal beeping rhythm once more. My breathing also caught hold of enough oxygen to obtain a normal inhale and exhale pace. 

"I'm sorry, I really am.", he says. His voice sounded quite husky and a bit out of breath still. His pupils still dilated as his intense stare caught ahold of mine. 

"I still love you, Noah.", I confess. I still don't know what I'm doing, whether I shall regret this in the future or not, but it certainly does not matter at this moment. 

"You still do?", he asks in disbelief. His face is spread with the emotion of confusion. The smile that broke through the look of confusion on his lips made my heart flutter.

"I do.", I admit. "I'm so freaking mad at you still, but I can't ignore my feelings for you. I have been miserable without you."

Just as Noah was about to say something the door opened. It was my mom with a duffel bag slung on her right shoulder with a doctor, I assume mine, hot on her heels.

"Bella darling, you're awake.", she comes rushing towards my bedside making Noah back away a bit. 

As she reaches my bedside she raps me up in her warm motherly hugs, once more the smell of vanilla fills my nostrils and brings peace upon my being.

"I missed mom too, but if mom could kindly loosen the grip of mom's bear hug. It would be deeply appreciated.", I say with a small smile, watching my mom straighten herself. 

"I'm glad to see your humour hasn't been tempered with.", she says with a smile, but as quick as it appeared, it left again. 

"Isabella, you really scared me back there. The shaking and afterwards the blood. You had me shaking with fear. I was so afraid that this time you might not make it back to me, but you did.", she says with her voice cracking towards the end. Making my heart ache for her.

"Mom I'm fine, I promise you. I will never leave you and dad. The love I treasure so deeply for you two, would never let me perish while you are still as fit as a fiddle.", my words seem to have a calming sensation on my mother's nerves. It tends to be that she is becoming aware of the man standing at the window. 

"Whether it is something that I may enquire about or not, it is something I shall do regardless of the answer given to me.", my mother says. Her eyes that are usually the ray of kindness and sunshine has now darkened with a steel layer guarding any emotion to shine through. 

She turns on her heel to face Noah and I can see how his body goes rigid when her eyes lay themselves on him.

"Did you know about my daughters condition when you have made the decision of betrayal and deception?", she enquiries. Her words are equal to poisonous darts hitting their target right in the centre.

She reaches for something hidden in the depths of her Prada handbag.  As her hands surfaced I saw the familiarity of the paper she held between her fingers. 

I've stared for hours at them without getting tired. Even after the accident they still made me calm. 

The ultrasound pictures. 

My mother stretched out her arm in front of her showing the pictures she possesses. 

Noah immediately took hold of the pictures. His eyes have a glossy shine to it. Something I have never seen is those steel pools of blue that he possesses.

"There are two blobs.", he says. I haven't told him that we were to have twins. 

"I was pregnant with twins,'' I said to him. My mother at this point just gave him murderous glares. Which I don't blame her for. I'm her only child and she used to tell me that her heart aches when mine does. 

My heart has been aching a lot recently. 

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Losing one child is hard enough, but the pain of losing two is much greater.", that was all I could utter. The pain that I suddenly felt in my chest intensified and my heart rate dropped significantly.

The doctor scrambled over to me. He injected something into my IV. Not long after I drifted off into a deep slumber.

•●•

April 1, 2000

Today was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. I would have gotten to share my eternity with the one that I love. Strange how things never seem to go as planned when it comes to me.

Cancelling everything at the peak of my anger seemed easy, but living through this day made me realise what I lost.

I was discharged from hospital on Thursday evening. The doctor said my vitals looked good. He said that seizures were a rare thing in my case and pinned it down to the stress and the reconnecting of my nervous system. 

Noah hasn't come to see me ever since. He took ultrasound pictures with him. Me being asleep at the time didn't help my fight against that much. 

More importantly I couldn't stop thinking of the kiss before my mom entered the room. It has been on my mind ever since. 

My parents had decided to go visit some friends in Florida until next Saturday. They were reluctant to leave me behind, but I assured them that I'll call 911 as soon as I start to feel unwell. 

'DING'

Pulled out of my train of thought I pushed myself off the living room couch to go see who's at the door. 

I'm not expecting anyone. Probably something being delivered for my parents. 

I open the door and I see white roses in the hand of the man who is responsible for all my torment and pain, but also my greatest lover. 

Noah was dressed in royal blue slacks and a crisp white shirt. The first three buttons were undone in order to instil a casual tone to the outfit. His hair styled to perfection in a modern slick back notion. 

"I only now realise the pain you must endure because of me. Having to lose two children simultaneously has torn me up in pieces. I'm not going to talk about what I did and blame it on my pain and intoxicated state. Today was supposed to be the happiest day in both of our lives, it can still be.", he drops down to one knee making my hormones go haywire. I can't help but shed a few tears. "Would you Isabella Costello make me the happiest man alive by giving me your hand in marriage today?"