Locked Out of My Heart

My legs gave out beneath me. My knees cracked against the storage room threshold, and I practically crawled my way out of the room.

My best friend, Vanessa Ridley, stepped back, one hand clamped over her nose. She doubled over laughing. "Oh my God! The smell is unreal."

My husband, Pierce Harrington, held up his phone. On the screen, my brother, Curtis Townsend, stared back with a frozen expression.

"Look at yourself. You're 30 years old, yet you can't even handle a dark room. You're lucky Pierce hasn't given up on you."

Pierce was quick to jump in. "Don't say that. Ainsley just needs more time."

"Time? It's been three years. You keep babying her, and she'll never get better." Curtis scoffed.

I knelt on the floor, the dark stain of urine spreading in a circle around me. Pierce crouched down to help me up.

I pushed his hand away. My palms were slick with sweat, and flecks of wall paint from the storage room were still wedged under my nails.

Vanessa leaned toward the phone. "Next time, we'll bump it up to 20 minutes, then we’ll build up gradually. That's what my textbook says to do."

Curtis grunted on the other end. "Fine, you two handle it. Just don't go overboard."

Then the call went dead. I braced one hand against the wall and walked to the bathroom, one step at a time.

Behind me, Vanessa sprayed an air freshener in the living room. The hiss of the aerosol sounded like it was laughing at me.

When the hot water hit my skin, I suddenly thought back to the winter three years ago.

We had just moved into this house. Pierce knelt on the bathroom floor, screwdriver in hand, removing the screws from the door lock one by one.

Halfway through, he looked up at me. His eyes crinkled when he smiled.

"From now on, I'll sing to you while you shower. That way, you'll always know I'm right outside."

I crouched down and hugged him from behind, burying my nose in his gray sweater.

In that moment, I believed I would never be afraid again.

The hot water ran over my scraped knees, stinging me. However, something else inside me was sharper than the pain.

For the first time in three years, I felt unsafe in this bathroom with no door. I stayed in the shower for a long time, long enough that the water heater ran out of hot water and the stream turned cold.

When I came out, the hallway floor had already been mopped clean.

Pierce stood at the bedroom doorway, holding a warm mug of tea. "Ainsley, you did great today."

His eyes were earnest and his voice gentle. "Nessa says your reaction was milder than expected. That means you're making progress."

He held out the mug. I did not take it.

Pierce leaned against the doorframe behind me, his tone casual. "Are you mad?"

"No." I paused.

"Last month, the bedroom door was locked for five minutes. The week before last, the car windows were sealed shut.

"That was you, wasn't it?"

Pierce was quiet for a few seconds. "Nessa said to start at a low intensity. You barely even reacted those times—"

"Then what step was the storage room?"

He set the mug down, walked over, and placed both hands on my shoulders. He looked me in the eyes, completely earnest.

"Ainsley, I know you're scared, but you can't live like this forever. You can't even ride an elevator. Your brother's right. You can't expect the whole world to work around you.

"At least Nessa actually studied this. It’s better than you avoiding fixing this for the rest of your life."

I looked down at his hands on my shoulders. These same hands had once removed all the locks in this house, and the same hands had also put them back.

"Then what step was the storage room?"

Pierce had not answered when Vanessa's voice rang out from the living room.

"Ainsley! I'm heading out! I left some cookies I baked in the fridge!

"We'll pick this up next week, okay? You lasted a full fifteen minutes this time. That's longer than even the textbook says you need to. You were amazing!"

The front door opened and closed. The click of her heels faded down the hallway.

The whole house went quiet.

That night, Pierce fell asleep beside me. I thought about our wedding day.

Every seat in the venue was taken. Pierce stood at the altar, reading his vows. He had said, "I’ll be your door, and I’ll always be open for you."