Love Me After I’m Gone

Rune

My heart thundered away in my chest as I angrily strode around my living room, picking up the discarded clothes, dirty dishes, and trash that my shitty boyfriend had left lying around after his night of binging.

I’d already tackled the mess in the kitchen, but the relatively clean surfaces left behind did little to assuage the turmoil churning inside me as it normally would when at least some of the clutter was removed from the common areas of my house.

I rarely had time to thoroughly clean my home like I really wanted with two kids living here, but I’d been wondering more and more as of late whether I should go ahead and add Damien to the list of children as well with the way he was acting.

He still wasn’t back from wherever the hell he’d taken off to, and my ire was only increasing by the minute, threatening to boil over the longer he was gone. I didn’t know where he was, but I did know that he had swiped my debit card out of my purse.

Several text messages and declined calls later, I was still none the wiser as to his whereabouts, but I did know that he’d better get his ass here before I had to leave to pick up Isla from preschool, my vehemence swelling by the second.

I had to get gas if I wanted to make it the short distance there, and that card was the only way it was going to happen.

I knew better than to have cash lying around, having had it disappear too many times in the past to believe he wasn’t the one responsible for its mysterious absence in spite of his many protests to the contrary.

Money was tight right now with Damien out of work yet again, and I was struggling to make ends meet on my own. I worked at Griffin Fashion as an editor while I was concurrently taking some classes online to get my degree in the field of my true passion: social work.

It was a lot to take on at twenty-four, and Damien wasn’t making anything easier with his lazy, entitled behavior.

Nevertheless, nothing would make me go back and recant on my promise to my former neighbor, Belinda. Roman and Isla were everything to me now, and they were the main motivators keeping me afloat in the sea of madness I’d been lost in over the years.

Wiping the sweat from my brow, I glanced up at the clock on the wall, seeing that I had thirty minutes before I had to leave.

My pulse still pounded in my head, my train of thought not helping matters, but glancing out the window for the hundredth time, I finally spied Damien’s beat-up pickup truck sitting outside the house.

I nervously ran into the kitchen, making sure I had everything I needed in place before darting back into the living room to meet my boyfriend at the door, though only I was privy to the fact that he wouldn’t be that for much longer.

However, I stood there for a few minutes with my breaths coming in wheezes as the wait extended.

Forcing myself to take a few deep breaths, I tried to prepare myself for the coming confrontation, just thankful the kids weren’t here to witness this. I’d known this conversation was coming for a while now, but I’d kept putting it off, hoping and praying I was reading the situation wrong, that he would change against all odds.

He always left me disappointed, and this was the last straw. I’d already checked my bank account, so I was aware that he’d all but cleaned out the little I’d had left until payday on Friday.

That money had been for groceries and gas, and now I didn’t know how I was going to feed the kids or myself until I got paid again.

Even so, I shoved the worry to the recesses of my brain for the moment as Damien made it to the door at last, the tell-tale sounds of the screen door creaking open giving me time to school my features before I stood face-to-face with the man who I’d believed was meant to be my forever until only recently.

He’d been my high school sweetheart, and he’d stood by me when I’d chosen to start the process to adopt my neighbor’s ten and four-year-old kids when she’d gotten sick with cancer, their father being nothing but a deadbeat and a druggie.

A flash of white shot by me as he pushed the door open, and Damien immediately began yelling at Blizzard, the kids’ massive, German Shephard dog that had come with them. He was a gorgeous snowy white teddy bear most of the time, and I loved him as fiercely as Roman and Isla.

Damien didn’t feel the same way, and I silently added this to the list of reasons as to why he had to go. His reaction now, yelling and lashing out to force the dog back as he entered, told me all I needed to know about his mood, but I made myself stay the course.

First, I intervened by safely tucking Blizzard away in Roman’s room upstairs, but I didn’t want to give Damien the chance to escape, so I dashed straight back to the living room after, only to see him already gone.

Cursing, I strode through the room in a few determined steps, following the noises he was making as I stole another look at the clock. Twenty minutes left.

My shoulders ached from how tightly wound I was, and it only got worse as I entered the kitchen, my fists tightening at the disarray he’d managed to create in such a short span of time.

The pitcher of tea was out on the counter, sitting in a puddle of the sticky liquid, which I could see was leaving a trail on the floor all the way from the fridge.

Further, all the fixings for sandwiches were spread out on the other counter, laying wherever he’d left them when he finished with them, and I saw red. That was supposed to be for the kids’ lunches tomorrow.

“Seriously Damien? You’ve been in here for two minutes, and I told you not to eat that stuff. Now, what are Roman and Isla supposed to eat for lunch the rest of the week?”

I could hear my frustration leaking out as I raised my voice at him, and I closed my eyes as I tried to reset my emotions, not wanting to get to the point where I was shouting.

Damien wasn’t bothered by my obvious upset, serving to piss me off further as he replied, “It’s just a few sandwiches babe. I was hungry, and you can find something else for them.”

Without giving me a chance to respond, he turned as if he was going to walk away, but that wasn’t happening. His casual behavior and attempt to brush off the severity of his actions was grating, and it only validated everything I’d been noticing about the way he treated the kids and me.

Conscious of the ticking clock, I jumped straight to it as I demanded, “Give me back my card Damien, now.”

“It’s on the counter, babe. You need to chill. I can’t handle you when you’re like this.”

Disbelievingly, I could only gape at him as he attempted to exit the room once more, but I pulled myself together in enough time to stop him, asking, “Where have you been? You reek of cigarette smoke and booze, and you spent over a hundred dollars on my card.”

I don’t know how I managed to keep my cool as he spewed off his usual bout of lies, claiming he needed gas or some part for his piece of shit truck, but I kept reminding myself to take deep breaths throughout it all, holding back my emotions in the moment with a battered shield but doing it, all the same.

It’s true what they say about never lying to a woman when she asks you a direct question. More often than not, she already knows the answer, and this time was no exception to the rule.

My transaction history online told a different story about where he’d blown through my money at than where he’d claimed, and I’d been opening my eyes to his deceit bit by bit as the months had elapsed, working myself up to this moment.

Catching a glimpse of the time, thirteen minutes left, I interrupted his fabrications, remaining collected as I said, “Look, I can’t believe a word that comes out of your mouth, and you know exactly why that is. I can’t keep doing this, Damien. I’m done.”

I paused, observing how Damien ground his teeth together, his ice-blue eyes narrowing in on me as I moved towards the cabinet nearby, taking out the drug test I’d stashed their earlier.

This wasn’t the first time I’d spoken those words to him, but I was determined to follow through this time, having made back-up plan after back-up plan to thwart any excuse he might try to make.

He pushed his long, greasy, black strands of hair back out of his face in an abrupt manner, the tangled rats’ nest evidently not bothering him any, but I didn’t let his mounting rage deter me, staying on track as I continued in a firm tone, “You can either take this drug test right now, or get out. If you refuse, again, you can get out. It’s that simple.”

Bracing myself for his reaction, I stood strong, giving him an even look as I issued my ultimatum, but he didn’t react as I’d expected him to, his fury evaporating into an eerie tranquility as he tried to cajole me into changing my mind.

In any case, I didn’t bow down to his manipulation tactics, refusing to allow him to make me feel bad about myself or second guess my decision, and in the end, he left without causing a scene to my utter astonishment.

There were no slamming doors or ugly words espoused from his lips this time around, and I was left feeling cold from how easy it had been for him to walk away from me after all we’d shared together.

Be that as it may, something told me this wasn’t the last I would see of Damien, and I could inwardly admit that I was frightened of the man he’d become over the past few years, leaving me anxious as to what he might do when he did return.