No Direction

*AYANA*

Tonight we expect clear skies with a few—

“Nope.”

I changed the station.

Something about being hopelessly in love poured through the speakers.

“Hell no.”

Next.

Another song started.

Three seconds.

“Nope.”

I’d been riding around for an hour already and changed the station at least seven times. Who the hell was sitting around listening to this shit?

I turned down one street that led to another, landing me in neighborhoods I never knew existed. I thought this would clear my mind. Instead, the combination of shitty music and no direction just made things worse.

Plus, it was dark as hell and one of my headlights was out. I meant to get that fixed, but I also never expected to have to use it so soon. Normally, I’d be in bed slapping my feet together under the sheets.

Damn, I took that bed for granted.

With a soft ding, my gas light came on. Crazy thing was, I’d passed about four gas stations on the way to nowhere.

“Shit!” I groaned.

I turned the corner and saw a park. Dimly lit and nearly empty. I pulled into the parking lot and spotted two very young teenagers—I’m hoping—on a bench near the gate.

I parked right behind them and shined my one good headlight on them. They had to be no more than fourteen, maybe fifteen. Either way, still too young to be outside at this time.

They merely glanced in my direction before going back to looking at each other.

Deciding to choose violence, I honked my horn and yelled out the window at them.

“Take y’all young asses home!”

The boy just flicked me off, and the girl narrowed her eyes as she twisted her funky ass lip at me.

Neither one of them moved.

Fuck them kids anyway.

I finally turned the car off and sat there thinking about my next move. Whatever I came up with had to make sense.

From the passenger seat, my phone sat quietly antagonizing me.

I’d lost count of how many times I dissected everything that happened and analyzed where I went wrong.

Each time left me wondering if there had been signs he was going to pop up all along.

No. I couldn’t blame myself for his manic behavior.

As I let the seat back, another thought entered my head.

Maybe if I just beg to come back, she’ll let me.

No. Then I’d never hear the end of it.

My fingers were sore from gripping the steering wheel too tightly and practically throwing blows at the radio for not playing something remotely interesting.

What am I doing?

I’d searched for the answer to that question for years and still didn’t have a clue how to answer it.

The car became too quiet, too soon. I could hear my heart beating louder with every second that passed.

Where was I going to go?

The more I thought, the more the anger subsided. Hurt swooped in almost immediately to replace it.

My mama really just put me out.

Over something I had no control over.

She knew I didn’t have anywhere to go this late at night. Her face was burned into my retinas, making an appearance every time I closed my eyes.

That weak ass bitch got me put out.

He better be glad it wasn’t me with that shotgun. Had it been, he’d have been a shot motherfucker. I’d be on the run, his mama would be planning his funeral, and mine still would’ve gotten what she wanted.

She didn’t even need a reason to put me out. She could’ve just done it.

She mentioned once or twice that I should consider getting a place of my own.

Then her cancer came back.

I thought if I stayed with her, I could buy more time.

Truth was, I just didn’t see the point. If she was sick, wouldn’t it make sense to be in the same house with her?

I did always have attachment issues.

I just didn’t like being alone.

Being quiet for too long fucked with me.

Kind of like this car was starting to fuck with me.

I finally reached over and picked up my phone. It was down to twenty percent battery life.

I turned it face down and put it back in the seat.

The park lights flickered for a few seconds before giving out completely.

Raggedy ass park.

In complete darkness and stillness, I sat there with sadness, disbelief, and resentment.

I could see if I had actually brought this on myself like I did most things in my life.

Like Jeremy and Keema.

No.

Keema was well deserved.

A loud knock drew my attention to the window.

There stood a man with a scruffy white beard, bloodshot eyes, and missing teeth.

I remained still, hoping he wouldn’t see me.

“You got a dollar?” he asked, wiping his nose with his bare hand.

My eyes moved around the car and landed on the spare change in my cup holder. I wasn’t going to touch it, but before I knew it, I was reaching inside and handing him the change.

He sniffed and thanked me before turning and walking away.

I hadn’t paid much attention to the area at first, but when I saw a sign that read Shamrock Village Park, I realized I’d driven to where the local crackheads and other dope fiends liked to hang out.

“Oh, hell no.”

I turned the car back on and backed out of the parking lot. By the grace of God, I made it to a gas station on some back road before my car stopped on me.

The parking lot was lifeless, much like the park, but this felt different. Like eyes were watching me and at any moment someone would jump out with a knife yelling, “This is a stickup!”

Too afraid to go inside, I paid at the pump and got back in the car.

I could feel my pulse in my fingertips. I steadied my breathing and drove away.

Back on the road, I finally gave in to the one solution I really didn’t want to resort to.

I called Jamira.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Mira,” I said nervously.

“Girl, what’s wrong? Why you sound like that?”

I tried to hold back the tears and frustration lingering in my voice.

“You think it’ll be okay if I stay with you for a few days?”

“Girl, of course. What’s wrong though?”

“I’ll tell you when I get there.”

“Okay. Be safe.”

“Okay.”

A sense of ease fell over me. I couldn’t remember why I didn’t want to call her, but I was glad I did.

After forty-five minutes of driving in the opposite direction from where I’d originally been headed, I finally arrived at the condo.

Like always, Mira welcomed me with a smile that could light up the sky itself and a warm embrace that could ward off winter.

As soon as I stepped inside, I saw a little girl asleep on the couch.

I pointed to her, and Jamira took me to the spare room.

“That’s Kayla. I’m not sure if you remember, but she’s Eric’s niece.”

For a few seconds, I was lost. Then it came to me.

“The one you taught?”

“Yes.”

“She looks bigger than the last time I saw her.”

“Children grow, Ayana.”

“Tell me about it,” I said, looking down at her belly.

She gave me a soft nudge and a hug.

“You can stay here. Eric doesn’t know yet, but I’ll tell him when he wakes up.”

My gaze sharpened as I folded my arms.

“You cannot keep hiding shit from that man.”

“Yana…I’ll handle it. I promise.”

Her eyes were soft around the edges, her voice light as air.

We stood in silence for a moment before I reached into my bag for my charger.

Once I found it, I reached behind the bed to plug it in, but something was in the way.

Whatever it was was round and hard.

I pulled it out.

Shock took over as I held up the bottle.

“Mira, what the fuck is this?”