Loved By A Shadow

Eden pressed her clammy palms to the cool varnished wood of the dining room table. It was bare now, stripped of the wedding planning book, the lists and the invitations that seemed to have become a permanent fixture over the last few months, but none of it mattered anymore. A year of fussing over the tiniest detail, the guest list, the catering and decorations... the vows. No longer a wedding to plan.. No longer a home with a heart.

It had been an entire week since her world collapsed around her it was made of the most fragile material. The first crack in the foundations had appeared quietly, A small, seemingly insignificant receipt in Ben's jacket pocket, for a local cheap motel, dated the day before when he had supposedly been to visit his parents out of town, Eden's world imploded, Heart beating so fast she thought it would burst, a deep congealed darkness pressing in on her from all sides like a giant pressure cooker while she tried to come up with a reasonable explanation. There was always an explanation with Ben, his smile was enough to soothe her doubts every time and he always managed to make her feel silly for even thinking such things.

But the second crack.. That destroyed her.

She decided to get out of her own head and visit her sister and maid of honour Ava for a good chat, Ava always knew what to say when Eden was feeling insecure and needed someone to air her worries to.

She got in her car, heart still hammering out an irregular rhythm against her chest and made the 5 minute journey to her sisters flat, stopping for coffee on the way to give herself some time to regain her composure.

She arrived at Ava's flat a few moments later, coffee and cakes in her hands, ready for a little bit of carefree time and some much needed reassurance. She reached flat 21 and turned the handle, preferring to walk straight to the kitchen and put her supplies down rather than wait for Ava to shout ''COME IN'' anyway.

The creak of the door opening would forever be implanted into her memory, the smell of the freshly made pancakes that hit her nose as soon as it opened, the sound of faint giggling coming from the main room. The muffled sound her feet made as she made her way to the kitchen/living area at the end of the short hallway, the abrupt silence as they realised they were not alone. Her sister was suddenly stood in the doorway, hair tousled, rosy cheeks, like she often looked recently... That's when she saw him, sat on the sofa, just around the frame of the door, half naked and forehead glistening with sweat. Ben. frozen like a thief caught red handed.

The world stopped spinning in that moment, Eden would never forget the way her sisters eyes went wide and darted to her soon to be husband on the shabby leather sofa.

''How long?'' Eden was proud that her voice came out surprisingly steady and strong even though her very soul felt like it was in a blazing inferno.

Ava opened her mouth to reply ''Ed''...

''I Wasn't SPEAKING TO YOU!'' Eden interrupted before she could even form a word.

Ben looked at her, guilt written all over his face, but also something else... impatience, like he didn't find any of this the least bit interesting.

''Eden, it's not what it looks like'' he looked over at Ava with almost no expression on his face '' Tell her Ava''

''Don't'' Eden snapped, her voice shaking with fury. ''Don't you dare''.

She wanted to scream, to rip them into pieces and burn what was left. She wanted to make them hurt as much as they were hurting her. But just as she felt as though she was going to spontaneously combust from the fury that was setting her very veins alight, the anger froze in her chest like ice. She had turned around and left quietly, It wasn't until she got all the way back to her car that she realised she still had the coffee in her hand, she unceremoniously dropped the to go cups and climbed into her car, turning on the engine and getting herself out of there as fast as she could.

She had spent 6 hours that day, just driving with no sense of direction or purpose, she had returned home just as the sun was setting, casting a beautiful golden glow over the roof of her modest two story house, she sat in the car for a while, enjoying the sunset and allowing herself some time to prepare for what was to come, no doubt Ben would be in there, ready to gaslight her into thinking she was crazy like every single time she had ever expressed any feelings he didn't agree with. But as she approached her front door she noticed the house was silent, no TV, no music, She had walked in to an empty house that evening, literally, an empty house. The furniture was gone, The kitchen appliances, even the hallway mirror was gone from the wall. The only thing left untouched was the kitchen table, Wedding invitations sat neatly stacked in their manila envelopes ready to be sent, ring brochures and lists of arrangements for caterers and cars that would never be used, the last year of her life laid out on the table, now meaningless and inconsequential.

She couldn't stand to be in the presence of these things, items that just that very morning were a source of excitement for the future, she had turned on her heel and began to make her way to the stairs, intending to shower and wash the dirt of betrayal from her very skin.

She began running through the last few months in her mind as she turned on the shower, when did it all go wrong? was it all a lie? her sister, how could it have been her sister?!

Thinking back she realised there were a lot of red flags, late nights at work, distancing himself from her when they were supposed to be planning a wedding together, Eden had thought it was nerves, but now she was connecting the dots she realised just how naive she had been.

When she met Ben she was such a confident person, at just 18 years old she had met him in a supermarket after a particularly pleasant hike through her favourite mountain pass, The Mystic Mountains, a truly beautiful place that she had always felt a special connection with, Ben was browsing greetings cards, he was holding one in each hand looking torn, so she approached and offered him her assistance ''Do you work here?'' Ben asked her when she offered her help.

Eden had replied ''No, I just thought I would take the opportunity to ask you out''.

And that was it, that was who she used to be, she saw someone or something she wanted and she went for it, trusting that the universe would be on her side. Not anymore.

That confident and carefree woman was gone, now she was a shell, nothing inside her but an empty void and heartbreak.

Eden stood in the scalding water for a long time, trying to allow it to warm her icy cold heart. Finally after her fingers were wrinkled and her bathroom was so full of steam she could barely see, she opened the glass door of the shower and stepped out on to a plush drying mat, wrapping herself in a fluffy grey towel and wringing her hair with her hands, she had made her way across the landing to her bedroom, expecting to find just a mattress judging by what was left downstairs, however mercifully the bedroom was left untouched, and that's when she saw it, A picture of her last journey to the Mystic Mountains, the very day before she had met Ben, the smile on her face in that photo made her pause, the brightness of her eyes, so genuine and free, she would do anything to feel that way again.

And that's when she decided.

She was going back.