Chapter 11

Alpha Alfonso’s POV

I slam the door shut! I need her to leave. She is too sharp and I might kill her if I let her hear me any longer. But it is not just her mouth that gets to me, it is the words that she said to me. Everybody knows? Everybody knows how my parents treated me? I hate talking about them. Why did she bring it up now? 

I feel my hands shaking, I feel my heart beating rapidly, I feel the way I feel when I am about to have the usual anxiety attacks that come when I think of my parents. I am an alpha and one would think I would be strong. One would think that there would be nothing that would get to me and weaken me. One would think that after conquering so many territories and claiming so many packs -including the human kingdom - nothing will faze  me anymore. Everyone thinks I am so strong, but they lie. Every man has his own weakness. And as for me? The memory of my childhood is my weakness

I am having my usual anxiety attacks. I find myself moving towards the wall instinctively. When I get to it, I fall against it to rest my shaking body ad her scream sticks to my ears from he other side.

"Alpha Alfonso! Alpha Alfonso! Please, I am sorry! Open the door! I didn't mean it! I'm sorry! I went too far!"

I don’t know why, but for somebody that has grossly irritated me over the last few hours, her voice cuts at  my heart like a sword. I drop down the door until I land  on the floor to sit. I am still shaky as hell. Somehow her screams make my anxiety dig into me deeper. Her voice from outside make me pull up knees to my chest level

"Please! Please! They will take me to Lucan, please. I don't want to be with him!"

I squeeze my eyes shut, press my hands tightly against both of my ears- trying to block out her cries. But I can't. Her screams penetrate despite my efforts and they remind me of the way I used to scream when my father beat me up. As I close my eyes, they are not helping- I keep seeing scenarios from my past- the way I used to be locked out in the cold, fed pig food, told I am not the child of my father and so I will never be an Alpha. I was made to hate myself. All hope was lost for me. 

I was only made Alpha because my father did not have another heir to take the position. And even for the Alpha position, I was made to fight tooth and nail for it. I learned to be brutal. I fought all the strongest wolves around the pack and beyond- yanking their heads off their body to claim the seat of the Alpha. My father saw me as unworthy, so I had to prove my worth to him and his people. The disrespect from the pack members turned to reverence and fear anytime I spilled blood. But should they blame me? I had to prove my Self words through violence and bloodshed

"You're weak," my wolf, Bimbo growls inside my head. " I have told you times without numbers to stop acting like this. You are an alpha for crying out loud! What would people say if they see you like this? That small, overly privileged omega got under your skin and now you are having an anxiety attack?

"Shut up," I whisper an already shaky voice

"She has a sharp mouth. Do not not listen to her. She does not know what you have been through. She does not know what real pain is. She is just a spoiled little princess who had daddy to protect her from everything. And now she thinks she can judge you? Judge us?" Bimbo growls

My wolf's words make the first tear drop from my eyes. I have endured so much. In my past life, I was unworthy. I remind all of the hardships that I had to go through to be here today.

"Alpha Alfonso! Open the door! Don't leave me out here, please!" Dakina’s voice interrupts my thinking

The way her voice sounds so raw just makes me remember more and more what I used to go through. She sounds like me when I was three years old, standing outside in the cold, begging my father to let me back inside. I wish she would stop just screaming and accept her fate. Her screams are bringing back unpleasant memories

"Daddy, please! I'll be a good boy! I promise I'll be a good boy! I will never eat at the dining table again!"

But he never opened the door. My father never showed mercy to  me whenever he punished me. He didn’t love me

Another tear falls before I can stop it. Then another. And another. Before I know it I am crying. 

"Oh no, stop it! Stop it!” my wolf snaps in irritation. “Can you just stop crying?," Bimbo snaps again . "You're the Alpha. Alphas don't cry."

“ I wish I never went through what I went through," I whisper, hitting the way my voice is breaking and crying. "No one can see me. No one loves me. I am damaged"

"Crying makes you weak. At least that is the only thing your father taught you and was right about. Alphas do not cry, why would you not listen?”

"Stop bringing up my father. I hate him!” I almost scream

More tears come now. For every my memory decides to travel to the past and  think deeply of my father, I have serious anxiety attacks. I even had a secret doctor once, but he was unable to help me. When I have these attacks, I cry so much. I hide this part of me from the world because no one must know about it.  I think about Dakina's father. Dakina is so lucky. She loves her father so much that she is willing to challenge an alpha as dangerous as me just to protect his name. I think of how she spoke of him with such love, such reverence. How she said he was ten times the man I'll ever be. What if she is right about the statement? What if her father was ten times a month I would never be because of how he loved her unconditionally. I wish I had that kind of upbringing. That kind of love for my parents.

My father never made me feel safe. He made me feel like a burden, like a mistake, he said I was not his biological child, and he needed to beat me into becoming what he thinks I should become. Even after a DNA test was done, he never really accepted me. When I discovered that I was truly his child, I was so happy. I thought that he was going to accept me, but somethings never change

"I think I am jealous of her,” I tell my wolf. “Her family loved her”

"So what?" my wolf growls. "Do you not know that love can be a weakness? Her father is dead because he was too weak. He was too blind to identify who he should hit, and who he should love. He ended up pouring out his love to his enemy!”

"At least he died knowing his daughter loved him. At least he died knowing he mattered to someone. I don’t think I would ever love anybody. I don’t think I would ever matter to anybody."

"You matter. You're the Alpha. You have power. People respect and fear you"

"Power isn't love. I want love. They fear me because I am brutal. If I am a normal wolf, nobody would look at me," I say, wiping my tears.  "I feel so empty. No one that the moon goddess has refused to give me a mate. She knows that I am incapable of loving somebody”

“Every time I get a woman, I mess it up,” I sputter as I think about the way Dakina looked at me when I almost hit her. The terror in her eyes. 

Maybe that's all I know how to be- a killer and monster 

"Alfonso... please! I am begging! Someone's coming! They'll kill me!" I hear her voice once more

Her voice is getting more frantic now and desperate. I can hear how raw her fear is. Somehow I want her to feel what I felt all those years when I was young. She brought up my past memories without considering how I would feel, so I want her to get an idea of what a tip of suffering and real fear feels like. But even as I settle on this agenda something inside me responds. Something I try to fight back

"You have to help her," I find myself whispering to my wolf