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MY UNDOING 080
MACEY I knew I messed up the second the words left my mouth. It was like watching myself from outside my own body, hearing my voice say something I had spent weeks swallowing, and the second it slipped out, I wanted to grab it, shove it back inside, rewind time, anything. Anything except sit there on Damien’s lap, staring into his eyes while my heart beat so loudly I was sure he could feel it under his hands. He froze. Completely still. His hands, warm and steady on my hips, tightened just slightly, like he had to hold on to something. And I could feel my entire soul trying to escape my body. Oh no. No no no no. I scrambled off his lap so fast I almost tripped on my own feet. Heat rushed up my neck, all the way to my ears. I wanted to crawl under the couch and pretend I did not exist. I wanted him to forget everything I said. I wanted a hole to open in the floor and swallow me. I stood there; my breath caught in my throat, and braced myself for the shutdown. The kind I knew t
MY UNDOING 079
DAMIEN I honestly had no idea what I expected to see when I opened the door, but it definitely was not Macey. She stood on my porch like she had run the whole way here. Her face was flushed, her breathing uneven, and her eyes wide with something that looked a lot like panic. For a second I thought I was imagining her. Maybe lack of sleep had finally made me start hallucinating. I blinked twice just to make sure she was really there. But before I could even form a complete thought or ask what she was doing here, she stepped forward and wrapped her arms tightly around me. The hug caught me so off guard that for a second I forgot how to move. Her face pressed against my chest, and she clung to me like the world was on fire and I was the only safe place she had left. “Macey” I said quietly as I lifted a hand to touch her shoulder. “Macey, what is going on” She pulled back only enough to look up at me. Her eyes were already glassy. “You look horrible, D. You look so horrible.” H
MY UNDOING 078
MACEY I was fuming. Actually, no—I was beyond fuming. I was vibrating. I wanted to push Zinna off my property, shove her back into her fancy car, and tell her never to show up at my door again. Seeing her standing there like she had every right to breathe the same air as me after everything she had said and done? My blood boiled. She lifted a hand in the smallest, weakest wave. “Hi, Macey.” I laughed. Loud. Sharp. Bitter enough to sting my own throat. “Keep your hi to yourself, Zinna. Why are you here?” She swallowed, blinking fast, like she hadn’t expected me to come out swinging. Like she thought I’d open the door and melt, or politely fold into myself like I used to at the office. Not today. “Can we go in?” she asked softly. “Maybe talk inside?” I raised a brow so high it practically touched my hairline. “Really? You’re serious right now?” She winced. Actually winced. The great Zinna Blackwell, queen of composure and perfectly iced-out reactions, flinched like I’d slappe
MY UNDOING 077
MACEY The drive to Dr. Hale’s office felt longer than usual, even though it was barely twenty minutes from my apartment. Maybe it was the way the sky looked—gray and heavy, like it knew exactly what kind of emotional mess I was showing up with. Or maybe it was me. Probably me. I parked, gathered my bag, and tried to pull myself together before walking inside. I’d been doing therapy long enough to know she could see right through that, but whatever. I needed the illusion of control, even if it lasted only between the parking lot and her doorway. Her office smelled like lavender and some expensive candle I could never pronounce. Calm. Too calm. As always, Dr. Hale sat in her usual armchair, legs crossed, a soft smile on her face that made me feel both safe and exposed. “Good morning, Macey,” she said. “Morning,” I murmured, sinking into the couch that had now heard more of my emotional disasters than any living person. Honestly, it deserved some kind of award. Or rent. Or at leas
MY UNDOING 076
ZINNA I knew something was wrong the moment Damien stepped into my apartment. I had never seen him look like that before. Damien was the stable one. The solid one. The man who didn’t crumble, even when everything around him was falling apart. So when he broke down in my arms earlier, really broke down, I felt the ground shift under my feet. That wasn’t just sadness. That was grief. That was heartbreak. That was my big brother holding on to me because he had nothing else to hold on to. And it scared me. It really did. It made everything inside me twist because I wasn’t used to seeing him like that, and I hated that I couldn’t fix it instantly the way I fixed everything else. When he left, my apartment suddenly felt too quiet. Too still. And I stood there staring at the door, feeling this odd, heavy pressure in my chest. Damien wasn’t supposed to hurt like that. He didn’t deserve to be that broken. He didn’t deserve the confusion, the sadness, or the guilt he was drowning in.
MY UNDOING 075
DAMIEN For a second, she did not say anything. She only looked at me like she wasn’t sure if I was real. I probably looked like hell. My eyes were burning, my shoulders were tight, and I could feel that stupid pinch in my throat I kept trying to swallow down. “Hey,” she said again, softer than usual. I nodded because I did not trust my voice. The second I stepped inside, she reached forward and pulled me into a hug. I hesitated, stiff at first, but when her arms wrapped fully around me, something inside me just broke. I let my forehead rest against her shoulder as quietly as I could. She rubbed my back slowly, like she used to do when we were kids and I had nightmares. It was embarrassing in a way, but right now I could not care. “It’s okay,” she whispered. “You’re okay. Just breathe.” I tried. I genuinely tried. I thought I was holding it together well enough, but then I felt one single tear fall. I clenched my jaw so hard it hurt. But Zinna felt it. I knew she did because
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