Chapter 14

Damon

I saw her walk down the stairs.

I was standing in the doorway of my study. Coffee in my hand. I had not slept. I never slept anymore. I heard footsteps above me. Light. Careful. Like she was trying not to wake anyone.

Then she came down.

She was wearing the same dress from last night. Black. Short. Her hair was messy. Her makeup was gone. She looked young. So young. I felt sick.

She did not see me at first. She was looking at her phone. Typing something. Then she looked up and saw me and stopped.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey."

We looked at each other. The morning light was coming through the windows. It hit her face. She looked tired. Her eyes were puffy. Like she had been crying or not sleeping or both.

"I did not hear you come in last night," I said.

"We were quiet."

She said we. We. Her and Rick. In his bed. Above my head.

I nodded. Looked at the floor. The tile was cold. My feet were bare. I did not care.

"You are leaving," I said.

"Yes."

"Rick is still asleep."

"Yes."

I took a step toward her. I did not mean to. My body moved before my brain caught up.

I stopped.

She did not move.

"How are you," I said.

"Fine."

"Are you really."

She looked at me. Her eyes were dark. Flat. Like she had turned something off inside herself.

"I am trying to be," she said.

That hurt more than if she had yelled at me.

"Laura."

"Do not."

"Do not what."

"Do not say something that will make this harder."

I closed my mouth. She was right. I had no right to say anything. I was the one who said we need to stop. I was the one who brought another woman to my house. I was the one who let her touch me. I did that. On purpose. To push Laura away.

It worked.

Now I felt like shit.

She opened the front door.

"Goodbye, Damon."

"Goodbye, Laura."

She walked out. The door closed. I stood there. Coffee getting cold in my hand.

I did not move for a long time.

---

I went to work at 9am.

I should have stayed home. I was useless. But sitting in that house felt worse. Her smell was still on the couch. Her memory was in every room.

Leo was waiting for me at the office. He had papers. Meetings. Calls. A list of things I needed to do.

I looked at the list. The words blurred.

"Sir," Leo said. "Are you alright."

"Fine."

"You look tired."

"I am fine."

He did not believe me. He never believes me. But he handed me the papers and walked away.

I sat at my desk.

The office was on the 40th floor. Windows everywhere. I could see the whole city. All those buildings. All those people. All those lives.

I did not care about any of them.

I thought about her.

The way she said "I am trying to be." Like being fine was a job she was failing at. Like she was putting one foot in front of the other and hoping she would not fall.

I did that to her.

I pulled out my phone. Opened her text thread.

The last message was mine. "we need to stop, laura. this is for the best."

She had not answered.

I typed. "did you get home safe."

Then I deleted it.

Typed. "I saw you this morning."

Deleted it.

Typed. "I am sorry."

Stared at those three words. I am sorry. They were not enough. They would never be enough.

I deleted them too.

I put the phone in my drawer. Closed the drawer. Locked it.

---

At 11am, I had a meeting.

Three men in suits. Numbers on a screen. Talk of profits and losses and quarterly projections. I nodded when I was supposed to nod. Said yes when I was supposed to say yes.

I had no idea what they were talking about.

One of them asked a question. I did not hear it. He repeated it. I still did not hear it.

"Mr. Hales," he said. "Are you with us."

"Yes."

"What is your opinion on the acquisition."

I looked at the screen. Numbers. Charts. Lines going up and down.

"Do it," I said.

They looked at each other. Confused. That was not the answer they expected. I did not care.

The meeting ended. They left. Leo stayed behind.

"Sir. That acquisition is a bad idea. We talked about this."

"Then do not do it."

"Which one is it. Do it or do not do it."

I looked at him. He was a good man. Patient. Loyal. He did not deserve my bullshit.

"Do not do it," I said.

He nodded. Made a note. Left.

I sat alone in my office.

The city was out there. Bright. Busy. I did not care.

I thought about her walking down the stairs. Her bare feet on the cold tile. Her hair falling over her face. The way she did not look at me when she said goodbye.

She was done.

I could feel it.

She was going to try with Rick. Really try. She was going to be his girlfriend. Go to parties. Sleep in his bed. Laugh at his jokes.

And I was going to watch.

That was what I wanted. Wasn't it. I pushed her away. I told her to stop. I brought another woman to my house so she would see and get the message.

Now she got the message.

And I felt like someone had reached into my chest and pulled out my ribs one by one.

---

At 1pm, Leo brought me lunch.

I did not eat it.

"You need to eat," he said.

"I am not hungry."

"You have not eaten in two days."

"I am not hungry, Leo."

He looked at me. His face was worried. He has worked for me for twelve years. He has seen me stressed. Angry. Exhausted. He has never seen me like this.

"Is it a woman," he said.

I looked at him.

"I will take that as a yes," he said. "Is it the Collinson girl."

My jaw tightened.

"Sir. I do not ask questions. You know that. But I have seen the way you look at your phone. The way you stare out the window. The way you forgot your own password this morning. That is not work stress. That is something else."

"It is nothing."

"It is not nothing. You are destroying yourself."

I leaned back in my chair. Rubbed my eyes.

"I told her to stop," I said.

"Stop what."

"Stop coming to the house. Stop texting me. Stop wanting me."

Leo was quiet.

"She is seventeen," I said. "She is my son's girlfriend. She is a child."

"Is that how you see her. As a child."

"No."

"Then how do you see her."

I looked at the ceiling. The lights were too bright. Everything was too bright.

"As the only thing that has made me feel anything in twenty years."

Leo did not say anything for a long time.

"Then why did you push her away," he said finally.

"Because I am trying to be a good man."

"Are you."

I looked at him.

"A good man would not have started it in the first place," he said. "A good man would have walked away the moment he felt something. You did not. You are not a good man, sir. You are a man who wants something and is now punishing himself for wanting it."

That was the most honest thing anyone had said to me in years.

"Leave," I said.

"Sir."

"Leave."

He left.

I sat alone.

He was right. I was not a good man. A good man would have never kissed her. A good man would have never touched her. A good man would have sent her home that first night and never opened the door again.

But I did not.

Because I am weak. Because I am selfish. Because I have spent my whole life taking what I want and telling myself it was deserved.

And now I was paying for it.

---

At 3pm, I left the office.

I did not tell Leo where I was going. I did not know myself.

I drove.

The city blurred past. Buildings. Streets. People. I did not see any of it.

I ended up near her school.

I did not plan it. My hands just took me there.

The parking lot was empty. School was still in session. She was inside. Sitting in a classroom. Taking notes. Passing notes. Laughing with her friends.

Being seventeen.

I sat in my car. Looked at the front doors.

I thought about walking inside. Finding her classroom. Pulling her into the hallway.

I thought about telling her I was wrong. That I did not want to stop. That the blonde woman meant nothing. That she meant everything.

I thought about all the things I should have said when she was standing in my foyer in that black dress.

Instead I sat in my car like a coward.

At 3:30, the bell rang.

Doors opened. Kids poured out. Backpacks. Laughing. Yelling. So young. All of them so young.

I saw Chloe. The friend. She was walking with a group of girls.

I did not see Laura.

I waited.

The parking lot emptied. The kids got on buses. Got in cars. Walked away.

She did not come out.

Maybe she left through another door. Maybe she was already gone. Maybe she was with Rick.

I started the car. Drove away.

---

At 5pm, I went home.

The house was empty. Rick was not back yet. I did not know where he was. I did not ask.

I walked to my study. Sat on the couch.

The couch where she fell asleep on my chest.

I could still see her there. Curled up. Her hand over my heart. Her breath slow and even.

I put my head in my hands.

My phone buzzed.

I grabbed it.

Rick. "staying at lauras tonight. dont wait up."

I stared at the words. She was letting him stay over. At her house. In her bed.

I typed back. "okay."

Then I opened her thread again.

Still nothing.

I typed. "I saw you walk down the stairs this morning."

I sent it before I could stop myself.

Three dots appeared.

My heart stopped.

Then they disappeared.

Nothing.

I waited five minutes. Ten.

Nothing.

I threw my phone on the couch.

I poured a drink. Drank it. Poured another.

The room was dark now. I had not turned on the lights.

I sat in the dark and thought about every mistake I had made.

Meeting her at the fountain should have been nothing. A girl on a bench. A glance. That was all.

But I looked twice. I always looked twice at her.

The hallway. The vending machine. The candy bar. I should have walked past her. I should have kept walking.

Instead I stopped. I asked her name. I let her look at me like I was someone worth looking at.

The night Rick left us alone. The power was out. She was on the couch. I should have sent her home.

Instead I kissed her.

Every step. Every choice. Every moment I told myself it was fine, it meant nothing, I could stop anytime.

I could not stop.

I never could.

Now she was in her bed with my son.

And I was in my study with a bottle of whiskey and the memory of her hand on my chest.

---

At 9pm, my phone buzzed again.

I looked.

Laura.

"I saw you too. standing in the doorway. looking at me like you wanted to say something."

I typed. "I did."

"what."

I stared at the screen. My hands were shaking.

"I wanted to say do not go."

A long pause.

"why didn't you."

"because I am a coward."

"you are many things damon. coward is not one of them."

"then what am I."

"confused. scared. old. selfish. but not a coward."

I read her words three times.

"where is rick," I typed.

"downstairs. watching tv with my dad."

"so you are alone."

"yes."

I put the phone down. Picked it up.

"do you want me to come over."

Another long pause.

"no."

"why not."

"because i am trying to be fine. and you coming over will make me not fine."

"is that what you want. to be fine."

"I want to stop wanting you."

I felt those words in my chest. A physical pain.

"what if I do not want you to stop."

"then you should have thought about that before you brought that woman to your house."

I closed my eyes.

"she was no one."

"she was someone. she was standing where i should have been standing. touching you where i should have been touching you."

"I am sorry."

"sorry is not enough."

"I know."

"then what are you going to do about it."

I did not have an answer.

"nothing," I typed. "I am going to do nothing. because that is what you asked for."

"I asked you to stop. I did not ask you to do nothing."

"what is the difference."

"stopping means you stay away but you still want me. nothing means you do not care anymore."

"I care."

"then prove it."

"how."

She did not answer for five minutes.

Then three dots.

"come over. right now. and tell me to my face that you do not want me."

"Laura."

"if you can look me in the eye and say you do not want me, i will walk away. i will be ricks girlfriend. i will forget you. i will be fine."

"and if I cannot say it."

"then we stop pretending."

I looked at the phone. Then at the door. Then at the bottle of whiskey.

I stood up.

I grabbed my keys.

I walked out the door.