Mag-log inLAYLA
I stare at Zack. He just winks back at me, his bright blue eyes twinkling. Zack Harding (player nickname: Zack Hard-On) is a thirty-year-old ex-rugby player — but he looks more like a Viking. Massive arms, blonde hair usually pulled back into a man-bun, scruffy beard, and a barrel-chest the size of a fridge. He lives in the apartment opposite mine with two other guys. Since we live across the hall, we hang out all the time — which is how I know that he’s definitely not the man I am meant to be on a date with. “Christ, man.” He shuffles a bit, then pulls a face at the waiter. “Ever think about buying a chair for us regular people? Not all of us are pipsqueaks like this last.” The waiter just stares at him, wide-eyed. “Zack,” I say levelly. “What are you doing here?” Zack looks surprised. “We’re on a date, babe. Don’t you remember?” I roll my eyes. The waiter looks completely flummoxed. “I’m sorry…” he trails off, looking behind him at the bathroom, then back at Zack. “Are you, um…?” “I’m the same guy, yeah,” Zack says. “I just got really hot and buff all of a sudden. I would never abandon my gorgeous, stunning, slightly scary date.” I kicked his ankle under the table. “No,” the waiter says hesitantly. “I mean… are you… Zack Harding?” Zack beams. He loves being recognised in public. “Aye, the very same.” “Like… that Zack Harding? Like, the rugby player? You were my favourite when you were playing for England!” “Oh, aye.” Zack turns back to me. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got a date with a lovely lady, and a tiny plate of….” he examines the meal in front of him, “mmm, delicious parsnips to eat.” When the waiter doesn’t make a move, he waves him off cheerfully. “See you later, mate!” “Oh.” The man comes to his senses and turns, scurrying away. Zack settles down happily in his seat and picks up Mike’s glass of wine, as if he spends every weekend crashing his neighbours’ dates, and this is perfectly normal. “You know,” I say slowly, “if you missed me this much, you could’ve just waited for me to get home.” “I ain’t here for you. I asked a girl out for a drink.” He nods to the bar in the corner of the room. I glance over, spotting a crowd of modelesque women sitting on the barstools, sipping on drinks and chatting. Sure enough, one particularly beautiful girl in a very short dress is sitting alone, glaring daggers at me. I raise an eyebrow. “Shouldn’t you still be with her, then? I doubt you’re getting laid at this rate.” “Didn’t work out.” He studies the pile of golden vegetables on his plate critically. “She invited me to her sister’s wedding this weekend.” “And that’s a problem?” I ask, watching as he picks up his soup spoon and carefully piles everything onto it. He gives me a flat look. “Meeting the family isn’t top on my priority list, lass. I don’t come out looking for a wife. I saw you got ditched, so I came over to save you.” He shoves the bite into his mouth and frowns down at my plate. “Babe, you’ve barely eaten any of this. Why aren’t you eating? You nervous?” I shrug. “I just wanted to get everything right.” Clearly, I failed spectacularly. His lips press together. “Did you eat at all today?” I shake my head. “I spent all day filling orders. And I can’t bring food into the warehouse with me.” He tuts. “You know food and sleep are more important than selling stockings, right?” He bends and lifts the tablecloth, making a big show of checking out my legs. “Although they are really pretty stockings, sugar.” I kick him in the knee. “Not to me,” I say honestly. Her Treat, my lingerie company, is the most important thing in my life. It’s taken six years of constant work to build it to where it is now — a moderately successful web boutique with thousands of customers a month. Six years of all-nighters, paying off debts, and working eighteen-hour days. It’s my baby. It comes before everything else. Zack scoffs, pushing the plate towards me. “You’re hopeless. Eat. Don’t want you to pass out on me again.” Sighing, I pick up my fork. He sits back, appeased, and crosses his arms over his chest. “Go on, then. What happened? I was watchin’ your date from the bar. Looked like it was going okay.” “You’re such a creep,” I mutter, chewing a mouthful of gilded carrot and pulling a face. “It’s my job,” he reminds me, jabbing a thumb into the centre of his chest. “Bona fide love expert, right here.” I snort. “I don’t think having a relationship advice podcast makes you a love expert. I don’t see a degree on your wall.” “Maybe not,” he says smugly. “But I assume you’ve seen all the awards. Best Adult Entertainment Podcast three years running, baby.” I smile slightly, stabbing a tiny cube of parsnip. Zack hosts a relationship advice podcast with his flatmates, Josh and Luke. It’s called Three SingleGuys, and it’s very successful. Thousands of listeners tune in every week to hear the boys talk about everything from STIs to breath play. To be honest, he probably could teach me a thing or two about dating. “I don’t know what happened,” I say eventually, setting my fork back down. “I thought it was going well.” A wave of exhaustion suddenly washes over me. I’m so tired. It’s been a shitty month. Her Treat’s sales have been down, and I’ve barely been sleeping because I'm worrying about it. I have an upcoming collection set to release in a few months, and I’m struggling to keep on top of everything. And I’ve been dating for so long. I’ve been on 120 dates in the last fourteen months. And not one of them was successful. I’m trying not to let it get to me, but it’s starting to hurt a bit too much. I think of the ten-year plan lying crumpled in my bag. The last unchecked box burns in my mind. Get married. I’m a failure. And I hate failing. “Hey,” Zack says softly. I look up at him. His bright blue eyes are full of concern. “You okay?” I nod. “Just… I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.” Zack studies me for a few more seconds, then nods to himself. “Alright.” He reaches for the half-full bottle of wine sitting between us and picks up my glass, slopping in a generous amount. He pushes it across the tablecloth to me. “Down that, then get your coat on.” I watch, bemused, as he throws back his own glass in one long gulp, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. “What are we doing?” “We’re gonna enjoy your dumbass date’s expensive wine, and then we’re getting some real food. None of this piped wasabi and foam shit.” He stands, pushing out the chair. The waiter reappears behind us, and Zack blasts him with his megawatt grin. “It was lovely, mate.” The waiter nods, looking dazed. “I’ll pass on your comments to the chef,” he murmurs, then lifts his notepad and pen. “Um, could you—” “Autograph?” Zack guesses, and the man nods frantically. I tip back my glass and gulp down my wine as Zack scrawls his name across the page. “No problem, mate. Thanks for letting my girl down gently.” He offers me his hand, helping me to my feet. “Come on, love. Your night’s about to get a whole lot better.”LAYLAWhen I get back to the apartment, the reception is dark. The porter has gone home for the evening, and the lift, as per usual, is broken, so I trudge up the six flights of stairs to our floor. When I reach the boys’ apartment door, I see that it’s been left ajar. I can hear the low murmur of voices. Pushing it open gently, I peer inside.The guys are still streaming. Luke is hunched over his laptop with a massive pair of headphones over his ears and his head in his hands. Josh is frowning at his phone, and Zack is slumped in his armchair, looking absolutely exhausted as he speaks into the microphone set up on the coffee table. My heart aches as I look at them, emotion flooding through me. I’ve missed them so much.I shift my weight, and all three of them look up. Zack stops talking immediately, his eyes going wide. He stands, and his massive knees knock his mic off the table with a clatter. He doesn’t even seem to notice, staring at me like I’m a ghost.
LAYLAImmediately, Zack’s gruff, scratchy voice fills my ears. Tears prick the back of my eyes, and I grip the smooth bar counter as memories wash over me.Him cuddling me on the couch. Him dragging me onto his lap to kiss him.Him spinning me around while we dance. God, I miss him so much.I’m so distracted by the sudden wave of emotion that it takes a few seconds to tune into his words. “Grief isn’t a straight line, I guess,” he’s saying. “Some days I still see Emily in signs. I still sometimes dream of her, or I get a memory that’s so vivid that it just — makes the world disappear. And some days, I don’t think of her at all. And those are the worst.”I sit up straighter. Is he talking about Emily? Now? The last time we brought up the idea of him discussing grief on the podcast, he clammed up and stormed out. So why is he doing it now?“How would you say losing a partner differs from a break-up?” Josh asks.A shiver runs down my back as his de
LAYLA“As you know, trends come and go,” she says breezily. “It’s difficult to make statements with any certainty in this industry, and—”“Yes, but why?”There’s a long pause, then a sigh. “You’re on that Single Guys podcast, right? Anna loves that show, she listens to it all the time in the office. It’s where she first heard about you. I gather that she’s unimpressed with your recent… comportment regarding your co-stars on the show.”My throat feels like it’s burning. “I didn’t cheat on them.”“Ma’am, I don’t know anything about the situation. I don’t even like podcasts. All I know is that Anna is very temperamental, and she does not change her mind on these matters. She can be very… hard-headed. I’m sorry.”To her credit, she actually does sound apologetic. Maybe this is normal for her. Maybe she’s used to turning down crying small business owners because her boss got pissed off about Twitter drama.I take a deep breath, nodding. “Okay. Thank
LAYLAAs I wait in line at Heathrow baggage check, I can feel hundreds of eyes on me.It’s been like this for days now. I barely left my hotel room all week, but whenever I did venture down the street to buy food or tampons, people blatantly stared at me. At first, I thought I was imagining it. But now, as I glance around the queue at the busy airport check-in, I know that I’m not.People really are looking at me. A gum-chewing teenage girl by the coffee shop is squinting at me like she’s trying to work out who I am. A cleaner has been absent-mindedly mopping the same square foot of floor for about five minutes straight as she openly stares at me. I meet her gaze, and she flushes, finally looking back down again.“Excuse me,” a male voice says behind me. I turn and look into the face of a balding middle-aged man in a green sweater. He studies me. “Are you La—”“No,” I say, turning back and glancing up at the huge clock hanging on the wall. My flight to
JOSHI go quiet. I don’t know what to say.We’ve never talked about this. Almost thirty years of friendship, but we’ve never talked about the seven years of utter radio silence after he joined the national rugby team. We’ve never talked about why he suddenly cut me off, or why I found him, all those years later, drinking himself to death in a hotel room.“I’m sorry I ignored all your calls,” he mutters, his head bowed. “Wasn’t personal. I wanted to talk to you. Jesus, you were the only person I could talk to. But—”“Emily,” I surmise.He nods, scrubbing his face. “I had to get away from this city. I had to get away from our school. When I was playing rugby, I could be a different person. I had new mates. A public persona. I just… threw myself into that, tried to leave all this shit behind.”“What did you do?” I ask. “What did you do that was so bad?”“I cheated on her,” he growls, kicking the step again.I try to hide my surprise. “You cheated on
ZACK “I know I messed up,” I tell him, my voice rough. “I do. I know I hurt Layla. And I hate myself for it.”Hating myself is an understatement. I haven’t slept in a week. Every time I close my eyes, I see her wet, wounded face as I pull away from her in the rose garden, and it makes me want to rip out my own heart and hand it over to her on a platter.And then I remember that I probably lost Emily’s ring while I was balls-deep in Layla, and the guilt gets even worse.“I assumed so,” Josh says drily. “You’ve never seemed completely brain-dead before.” He tips his head. “Why wouldn’t you admit it?”I look flatly at the ring shining in my palm. I’ve had this empty feeling in my chest ever since the wedding. I thought finding the ring would fill that hole. But no. I still feel like crap. It still feels like something is missing.“Do you remember what she looked like?” I ask eventually.Josh goes very still. “Emily?”I nod.He shrugs a sho







