Chapter 3

His violence grows

Nora

Another time, I found myself doubled over in pain on the floor. It was not just slapping he gave me that day but blows with his fist as well. The beating was followed by several days of me being locked in my room. His excuse was that I needed to rest, so I could recover better. The man I am married to is an animal. Only because I do not follow his directions. I get in trouble, and I get in a lot of trouble.

Or the time I disagreed with his mother and got into an argument with her. I raised my voice to be heard. Even so, his reaction was as though I had struck his mother or worse. Afterwards, he pushed me to the ground and made me apologize on my knees. Kneeling on the floor, again and again, I begged for forgiveness until he was satisfied.

Looking at the plate of soup now, and thinking about all that, I decided to avoid getting beaten up for not eating the soup. This was not worth it. No, that’s not happening! I do not believe this is the way to go right now. Additionally, I’ve learned that it’s best to let go of little things like this. As we ate in silence, no one spoke, and when we ate the main course, I nibbled here and there. There are many tricks to getting away with it that I’ve learned.

Without looking at him, I asked my husband, “Can I leave?” Yes, I must also ask for permission. I have nothing good to say about my life. As I lingered over the napkin, I heard him speak. “Look at me when you are speaking to me, Nora. You know I don’t condone your lack of respect.” OK, I looked him straight in the eye and asked, “Can I leave?” He lowered his silverware to the plate and watched me for a few seconds, then he nodded his head for me to leave. I wasted no more time and practically ran out of that place.

These people make me depressed. I then went up to my room and locked the door. It is my sanctuary, and I do not want anyone to enter. It is the only place where I feel more or less relieved. My bed beckoned to me, so I lay down. I started to think about what my life has been up to today. I, twenty-three years old, and the sun doesn’t seem to rise for me. I was only eighteen when I got married. Since five years ago, I have been experiencing constant nightmares. Originally, things were different. I thought that this wouldn’t be so bad and everything would work out. It was a matter of getting to know each other better and accepting my situation with Erik.

My first year was very good. Wherever I could, I had a lot of fun. He managed to make me fall in love with him, I learned to see him differently than people do. He was my husband, and the first few times we had sex, they were great. Many times, we made love to each other. He made me feel special, his way of doing it was impressive. Each time we made love, I felt really treasured and satisfied. I ended up feeling cherished. I became more in love with him as a result of it. At the time, I thought that he also loved me and was trying to make me feel good about myself.

It was my desire to enjoy his body as much as it was his. This was something he did very well. All of a sudden, it all came tumbling down. It turned out it wasn’t just me who had been able to enjoy his soft touch. I was not the only one he looked after; I wasn’t the only one, period. This was a joke I played on myself. There was a point when I thought that he was totally devoted to me. A couple of years after we were married. I heard rumours that Erik had been seen with women. They were at restaurants or nightclubs. At first, I thought it was just rumoured. Although, he did spend more time outside. As well as his attitude towards me changed. He became more jealous and possessive. I was not allowed to leave the house at times, nor was I allowed to see the few friends I had left.

Then, he starts complaining about me. Saying I do everything wrong, that I was a good for nothing pampered bitch. That’s when he started getting violent with me. Afterwards, he didn’t care if he had been seen or not with someone else. Not even for the sake of maintaining appearances. His arms were slung with women all the time. You could see him at business dinners with a date or two. Women here, women there. Women everywhere.

All of that filled me with fury. Till one day after becoming tired of all that, I decided to confront him. But he turned all against me. He grabbed the collar of my blouse putting his face millimetres from mine. In a rage, he was grinding his teeth. It never occurred to me that this would happen. My complaints of him about his infidelity and my attempt to make myself heard took him to another level. “Nora, it is none of your business what goes on in my life. You shouldn’t get involved in what I decide to do. It won’t work out for you in the end. Until you can’t remember anything, I promise I’ll keep you in the basement if you can’t shut your mouth.”

That is how my illusions were smashed. For me, marriage was a nightmare from which I did not know how to awaken. As far as I was concerned, the word “family” was no longer meaningful to me. In fact, I was alone, and I was unsure what my future would hold. Because I wasn’t interested in continuing to live this kind of life. Yet, I was also unable to save myself.