chapter 5

"Do you want a relationship with her?" Mateo asks and I tilt my head considering it. "You don't then." He says and I scoff.

"I don't know what I want!" I whisper yelled.

"You either want her or you don't." Mateo says and I nod instantly.

"I do! But I don't want to hurt her." I finish in a mutter and he nods.

"That's good." He says then he turns to Nate kissing him on the lips.

"I'm not going to bed, just yet." Nate says with a smirk and Mateo shrugs turning back to me. Nate leans down his elbows on the counter. "I wanted her; I didn't think she wanted me." He explains and I nod before looking back up at him.

"What's that got to do with Taylor?" I ask and he holds up a finger.

"I let this big guy fuck me for I don't know how long knowing I had feelings for him, I knew he didn't." He bluntly explains earning a glare from Mateo. "Point is, I fell into the feel of it, not the feelings until after, and it felt like hell. Don't do that to her." He says and I arch a brow.

"What he's saying is if you want to try dating her be honest as much as you can about your feelings." Mateo explains and I nod putting my hand under my chin.

"Oh, well you could've just said that." I say and Nate chuckles. "I still think I should back off." I say and they both nod.

"You both agreed that was best so maybe it is." Nate says and I nod, getting up.

"Do me a favor and don't call me at one in the morning for me to get over here to get my ass beaten alright?" I tease and they laugh. "Do it after I've had a cup of coffee." I finish saying.

"Angel was right you do look like shit." Mateo said and I gestured at myself.

"I was thinking about her and not getting any sleep, I'll be fine." I waved them off and I quickly left.

____

The last week has been absolute shit, I don't know what to feel about anything. I feel like I wasn't enough for him, I got too clingy already and I shouldn't have, I am with Grace and JJ getting school clothes. She only called me along to get my mind off him but it's not working, I can't sleep, I can't breathe without thinking of him and our talks. It was more than just sex to me, I don't know what I was to him but as soon as he walked out that door, I got sick thinking I was just a quick fuck. I understand when I go looking for it but he came to me and I was still nothing to him, which sickened me.

"I can't." I throw down the shirts I was looking at and I hear Grace right behind me.

"What's wrong? Talk to me." She says grabbing my hand and I look around taking in our surroundings JJs in the fitting room its just me and her.

"I don't understand." I almost whine and she tilts her head. "I don't understand how he came looking for me and I still wasn't enough for him." I say rubbing a hand over my face.

"What do you mean?" She asked and I waved gesturing to myself.

"I did it again! I got to close let him in, got clingy." I scold myself and she nods watching me. "I thought about him for so long, that's why I like one-night stands because you can fuck put on your clothes and walk out feeling satisfied." I bluntly ramble and she chuckles.

"What was different about him?" She asked and I thought about our time together before shaking my head.

"No one treated me like he did, no one got me like he did, understood what I wanted. When it was the one time, I understood but the second time..." I trail off and she nods getting what I meant. "He kept saying about how he couldn't stop thinking about me so I thought for one second..." I trail off once more and she grabs my arm.

"You wanted more." Grace quips and I nod, as she leads me to the fitting room and throws over the clothes for JJ.

"Mom a heads up would've been nice!" JJ yells and she gapes covering her mouth.

"Sorry JJ!" She apologizes then leads me outside once more.

"For one second, I wanted more." I say and she nods. "It can't happen again; I can't do this to myself." I say and she nods.

"What do you want to do?" She asks and I shake my head.

"I need to get my head off him, now." I say and she nods.

"Drown in work, my kids? What?" She rambles and I smirk.

"What you'll just let me rent your kids?" I tease and she nudges my arm.

"My kids love you." She mutters.

"We do." I hear JJ behind us and he smiles at me. "So, you need to get your mind off a guy?" He asks and Grace scolds him.

"What did I say about eavesdropping?" She asks and he holds up his hands.

"It sounded like important conversation was I supposed to interrupt?" He asks and she looks down before looking at me then him.

"Guess not." She chuckles and he smiles.

"These all fit, I don't like these." He says and she nods, we all go up to the checkout and JJ hold three bags holding some new clothes as we head back to the car. "Whatever you were doing before or when you met him, or whatever you were doing with him before you two did whatever you did try that again." JJ spits out and I think about it. Maybe a few one-night stands can get my mind off him.

"I hate to say this but I agree with him." Grace chimes turning on the car. Grace and JJ dropped me off and I get on my phone seeing a text from Emma.

Emma: Maybe we should go out together? Troll for dicks?

I smile typing my reply.

Taylor: Definitely, when?

The door opens and I see Emma standing there.

"Just got home and to answer your text, how about tonight?" She asks and sits down on the foot of my bed. I nod and start getting out my club clothes. "How are you?" She quips and I shake my head already getting that hidden question.

"Please let's not talk about it." I beg and she nods, her purple hair was in a ponytail and she already had on a club outfit and I arch a brow. "When did you get dressed?" I asked and she stands up.

"I just went to a drive thru so I just got dressed up like this." She explains and I nod. "I'm lazy." She teases and I smile.

"I know." I quip and she laughs.

"Ooh wear that." She points to a sequin blue dress in my closet that hits mid-thigh. I pull it out and look it over. "Maybe this and fishnets?" She suggests and I shake my head.

"I'm thinking this and stilettos." I say and she gasps.

"Yes, definitely that." She gasps and she smiles, she loves clothes.

That's a big understatement but she loves wearing this kind of stuff since she started working at the club. I have the next two months off along with her to let some subs get some hours. It's not like I don't have money for it, so I took the time to do what I want which is basically sit around and watch TV I normally don't get to because of practice but still. I love my job, but I love the time off, we still get paid two hundred a week, although we are already strippers.