Chapter Five

The day was a drag in the hospital. It would have been more dragging if Haniel wasn't there. She talked his mom out of loneliness and worry, and Sane was thankful for that. It was good to see his mom smile after everything that happened. Somehow, he felt a little lighter and a sense of peace as he looked at her smiling because of the things that Haneil had been telling her.

"Have you prepared for your classes, Lady?" his mom asked her. Sane giggled before making a face at Haniel whose forehead immediately creased because of that. Lady Haniel Lo was her full name. As much as Sane hated pickles, Haniel hated being called ‘Lady’.

She made a face back at him, sticking her tongue out, before clearing her throat to look back at his mom with a sweet smile. "Yes, Auntie Mel. We went to Liverpool last time to buy the things that I’d need and Daniel’s as well.”

"That's great then. When everything will be alright, I pray that it will, I’ll also be accompanying Sane and Ride for theirs,” she said before letting out a long sigh which made Sane and Haniel look at each other. Worry was evident in the latter’s eyes, but the former only gave her a small smile in return.

Sane let out a sigh before falling into a deep thought, peeling the skin off his lips in the process. It was unbelievable that he had encountered several misfortunate events spontaneously. Even when he got up to fetch himself some coffee in the hospital cafeteria, the coffee machine only gave him a cup of hot water instead of coffee. He didn’t know what to think about it, and he was certain that thinking about it would only make his head hurt even more.

It was like he was carrying the whole world on his shoulders. The only thing left to do was to stand strong and pray to God to help his family get over everything that was happening.

He forced himself not to think about the pair of black eyes that he could still see between his eyes, and the tombstone that he saw back at the cemetery. He was freaked out, sure, but he also couldn’t help but think about certain answers to the mysterious things that were happening to him. Sane was religious, but he was also taught to believe in Science, although the teachings of his religion, and the scientific evidence of Science sometimes clashed. 

He could still feel that strange sensation of being watched as if its gaze was slowly digging small holes into his skin. He felt the hairs all around his body standing upon thinking about it.

He shook his head before clasping his hands together. "God will provide," he whispered, repeating it over and over again until he calmed down.

Sane couldn’t remember how many days it had been since that incident happened, feeling as if he had lost track of the time. Maybe it had only been a day, or two, he wasn’t very sure as the time in the hospital ticked very slowly. But he knew that Ride wasn’t discharged immediately as he had several complications in his body due to the overdosing that he did. His body took a toll, especially when Ride wasn’t really a very healthy person. 

Haniel often came there to give them a variety of food to eat, and she would force him to fill his stomach even when he didn’t really feel like eating. “You need to eat if you don’t want to get sick,” she said. Sane felt thankful that she was there because if she wasn’t, he wouldn’t even have the strength to even bother eating.

"What happened to your face?" she asked softly with a creased forehead after staring at his face for quite a time.

That was when he realized that there could’ve been bruises on his face all along after he punched his face, although he was certain that they weren’t that recognizable as his mother hadn’t pointed it out. And in a sudden, he felt every aching part of his body after it had been pointed out.

He cleared his throat before shrugging. “I...fell. A lot of times,” he reasoned. 

She wasn't convinced, of course. She remained looking at him, scrutinizing his face. Sane couldn’t help but feel nervous and slightly awkward about it. He couldn’t read the expression in her eyes so he looked away, feeling ashamed because of the way she stared at him. The girl was good at reading things, reading him. Sane was afraid that she’d be able to read everything that he was thinking about.

She looked away before pursing her lips. "Auntie is too preoccupied to even notice your bruise, right?" She went near him to dishevel his hair. "Whatever it is, Sane, please do know that I'm all ears to listen, okay?" She was plastering a sincere smile as she looked at him. Sane felt his chest tightened after hearing that. It had been the first time that Haniel said that in person as she’d only usually write it in the letters that she gave him.

It felt different.

He cleared his throat before smiling at her in return. "Very cheesy." He chuckled.

"It’s just that I thought I knew the people I love very well. I thought I understood everything. Your fears, things that you love, things that make you uncomfortable, you know, tiniest details. After everything..." She let out a sigh. "..I have realized  that there are things we don't see in the shallow water or even if we dive into the water ourselves. There are things you won't see in the ocean if the ocean doesn't want you to see.

"And it scares me so much to think I've reached the ocean floor only to later realize I haven't reached the trench of the ocean, the darker part." Sane felt that. He didn't know that what he was feeling at that moment could be put into words. Haniel always knew how to articulate words and location. And Sane felt by that time he wasn't alone in the journey. "That’s why even if it sounds cheesy or whatsoever, please know that you can always tell me, you know. I know it's hard to open up. I know it's hard to trust but you should know there are people who will never be tired listening to you. I’m one of those people.

"I don't want you gone, Sane." It was only a whisper, but he heard it as if she shouted it in front of his face. It struck the gong in his chest, sending ripples of vibration towards the depths of his soul. He was frozen at his seat, feeling as if he’d cry in front of her any moment.

The silence reigned between them after she said that, and she could feel her hands gently petting his head as if telling him that everything would be alright. Sane felt warm. "Niko and etcetera are also worried. They’d probably be here after their gig—"

"Oh my goodness, Ridey!" Sane jumped up from his chair in surprise, immediately looking in the direction of his brother who was already awake, and was staring at them with a blank expression on his face.

Sane felt as if his body had given up on him. He felt his stomach twirl and his insides churned. He choked out words of thankfulness. At that time, he couldn't think properly. He just looked at Ride's blank eyes and expression as if he could also feel everything his brother was feeling at that moment.

He wanted to cry, to jump around. He wanted to embrace him, and never let him go. He wanted  to ask for forgiveness, and to kneel in front of him. He wanted to shout at himself, to punch himself, to kick his guts because he was feeling as if everything was his fault, even the ones that he had no control of.

There were a lot of things that he wanted to do, but he just stood there as he felt his tears streaming down his cheeks down to his nape. He hadn’t even realized that he was already crying. They just streamed down.

Their mother woke up from her long nap, and immediately wailed upon seeing that Ride had already woken up. Meanwhile, Haniel ran to immediately give Ride a gentle hug.

He was more than thankful to the heavens and he could only muffle a sob before walking towards his brother, and enclosing Ride into a big hug. His mom did the same and was muttering thankful prayers as she caressed them.

At that moment, Sane could only think about the people he loved. They deserved so much.

-

They didn't ask.

They didn’t bother asking Ride why he did that, as if all of them in the room understood the assignment, that it was inappropriate to ask that kind of question to someone. However, Sane could see the curiosity and pain in his mom's eyes. He knew that there were a lot of things that were going around her head as she quietly looked at Ride who was just silent, and would often go back to sleep.

He knew that just like him, his mom also wanted to ask the question. It was hard not to know his reasons, it was hard filling the gaps of knowledge with uncertainty. 

He heard his mother breathe deep. “Have you written to your Auntie Maru yet?” she asked. Auntie Maru was their closest relative that lived close. Although they had savings for emergency purposes, they weren’t enough to pay for Ride’s hospital bills. The healthcare system wasn’t that affordable for families like his.

He nodded. "Maybe they’d be here tomorrow, 'My." 

She only nodded before smiling a little.

The silence reigned once again.

Sane wasn't sure if they really didn't want to talk about everything that had happened or if they were dying to, they just didn't want to know the truth. Maybe they just didn’t want to know where they went wrong for things to work out that way.

But Sane knew, deep inside him, they were bound to know everything. They were bound to carry what Ride had been carrying. That was what families should do.

Doctor Dante came with some nurses a little soon after. They just watched as they checked Ride and asked him questions. Meanwhile, Haniel went home to tell everyone that Ride was already awake, that was why Sane was left sitting there in silence.

"Mrs. Tolentino, may I talk to you?" the doctor asked for his mom. Their eyes met, and when Sane’s gaze dropped at her hands, he saw that her hands were trembling.

She smiled in a reassuring way before kissing Ride’s forehead.

Sane did the same thing before following his mom out to the lobby together with the professionals. Sane had a guess about the thing that they would be talking about, but he just stayed quiet as he trailed behind the adults. 

They stopped somewhere in the lobby before the doctor faced them. “His mental condition is out of our professional league, but I am no stranger to this kind of scenario so the thing that I could really recommend to you is to help him have the professional help that he needs,” he started.

"What do you mean professional help, Doc?"

Doctor Dante sighed. "There are certain conditions that we do not see directly and instantly. His condition is not the same as what we are used to. It takes constant medication, treatment, as it is a process, a journey. He needs patience, understanding and support from people around him.” The doctor shifted his gaze to look at him. Sane remained standing, waiting for his further statements. “I know an acquaintance that could help your son, Mrs. Tolentino."

He saw his mom purse her lips. "We'll think about it, Doc. Thank you so much for the recommendation."

Sane couldn’t help but sigh upon hearing the response of his mom. He understood where she was coming from. He understood that they weren’t fortunate enough to be able to afford the professional help that the doctor was saying. One session cost a lot more than they could afford, plus the medication that he’d need. It was way too costly.

They couldn’t even pay the hospital bills alone. If they’d use all of their money for it, they wouldn’t be able to afford food to feed themselves. Sane even requested for an advance from his work in order to help with the fees, but he knew that it wasn’t enough.

It was a sad reality.

It seemed like you aren’t allowed to be sad if you didn’t have money.

He knew that Ride would need a professional’s help. That was why it pained him thinking about how they’d need to prioritize in order to survive.

He only smiled towards the doctor before bowing a little, and quietly leaving. He didn’t go back to the room as he didn’t know how he could face Ride after that. He walked towards the rooftop of the hospital upon knowing that it was fine to go there. Up there, it was quiet and cool. He could feel the cold breeze hitting against his skin, but Sane was feeling too badly about himself to even care about it.

He was thinking about a lot of things. He had been thinking a lot lately since he knew about his scholarship termination. 

He was thinking about his brother, their lack of money, his scholarship, everything.

Sane did not quite understand what the universe wanted to make use of him. He had faced a lot of misfortunate events for as long as he could remember, and if he’d only allowed himself, he might have blown up because of everything.

He swallowed upon realizing.

"Get a grip," he whispered to himself. He scanned his surroundings upon realizing that it was already dark. He swallowed the lump on his throat. “She isn’t real,” he told himself as he stood up to go.

There were a lot of things that he should be afraid of. Why would he be afraid more of a ghost than the living?

He allowed himself to breathe deeply before finally walking back to leave.

When he entered the vicinity again, his eyes were everywhere as he was witnessing different commotions everywhere he looked. There were people who’d even accidentally bump against him out of panic and hurry.

That was why he didn’t like the hospital. If it wasn't so quiet, it was so loud, loud with screams of people mourning over their beloved's deaths. It was that kind of loudness one wouldn't want to hear. It was that kind of loud that would take one's sanity.

It could make him grow insane.

Their ward was more silent compared to other wards, especially those wards with children. Sane didn't know if it was a good thing or not. It was because since it was too silent for his own liking, he could feel the walls closer and closer, suffocating him.

It was very heavy, heavy against his chest.

He stopped in his tracks, and his forehead immediately creased as he continued listening to the sound of breaking on the other side of the walls. It was after a few seconds when he realized where it had come from. He immediately bolted towards the room with a heavy feeling in his chest.

It was a ghastly sight that would affright any person and make them insane.

The white sheets were already scattered on the floor, disheveled, and the more frightening thing was that there were blood stains everywhere. The prescription sterile was also everywhere, making the floor wet.

It was chaotic, and his mind went blank with what he was seeing. His ears started ringing like an ambulance siren that was more terrifying to hear.

He tried to shrug every bad thought away but it still made him feel nervous, nonetheless.

He could hear a terrible sobbing in the bathroom that was tightly closed. It took Sane a few seconds to calm himself a little before running towards it, banging against the door. "R-Ride!? Are you there? Please open the door!" Desperation was very evident in his tone as he almost choked on words, the tears attempting to flow once again.

He knocked harder on the door, shouting his brother's name. He could hear nothing from the other side of the door, but he knew Ride was inside the bathroom, and who knew what he could be doing. He hated not knowing. He hated it as if he was contained in the dark. He couldn’t think properly. The only thing that was running in his mind was him wanting to see his brother in a good manner.

He bit his lip in the attempt to force himself not to cry but it only made his chest tighter and heavier.

At that moment, he didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to think. He didn't know what to expect.

It was as if the strong build he was trying to show was slowly breaking apart. The pillar was shaking and more fragile than ever.

He didn’t know what to do when the door slowly opened, and his brother met him, crying, his blood flowing from his hand where the IV used to be.

Ride was shaking as he stared at him. His eyes were dull. He didn't budge nor did he blink. He just simply cried, silently, the most terrifying type of crying.

At that time, he understood what Haniel told him. It was really bad to think you knew a person well only to realize you actually didn't. You actually didn't know they needed saving unless something bad happened. That was terrifying.

Sane wanted to know every single thing that was going inside his brother's mind. He wanted to know the darkest parts of his story.

He wanted to hug and assure him everything would be alright but he just stayed there, staring. He couldn't put into words what he wanted to say. He couldn't convey what he wanted to do. He just simply...stared.

What was more dismal was that it was as if he was staring at his own reflection, at his own eyes.

"I’m very very tired. Help, please," his brother whispered.

And just like that, the strong pillar he was trying to keep broke apart.