CHAPTER 9

“Yes, that’s understandable,” Derrick said quietly. “But you don’t fear that from me, do you, Sandra?”

The shock in her eyes filled him with fierce satisfaction.

“No, Derrick! Never!”

He kissed her again before pushing her upward from the couch. “Go and make your calls before the police get involved. If I know Karla, she was absolutely serious about calling the police. It wouldn’t surprise me if she hasn’t hauled Ken over to your house already. You call the girls. I’ll call Ken and let him know you’re okay.”

Sandra leaned back on her couch with a deep sigh and flopped her head backward to stare up at the ceiling. She felt emotionally wrung out, and for the first time she couldn’t blame it on Clement’s death or the anniversary of it.

It was a different kind of turmoil, one she’d never imagined when she’d bravely—or rather thought she was bravely—taking control of her future. Now that future was one huge question mark.

She sighed again and closed her eyes, weariness assailing her. She would have drifted off, despite the chaos her mind was in, if the doorbell hadn’t rung. And rung again. Insistently.

She knew without confirming that it was likely Karla or Sophia or even both. They wouldn’t have been put off by her phone call simply telling them she’d backed out. They’d want to hear the entire story themselves.

With a resigned groan, she pushed herself up from the couch and shuffled towards the door.

Derrick had dropped her off barely half an hour earlier after all the necessary phone calls had been made. She shivered as she remembered the raw desire she’d seen in his eyes. Felt the heat of his mouth on hers. Remembered his fingertips sliding down her face to her neck as he’d said good-bye and that he’d see her soon.

The promise in his voice had given her much to think about. Now that she was back on her own turf, so to speak, she had a lot to contemplate and process.

As soon as she opened the door she wanted to groan again. Karla and Sophia both stood staring back at her. Karla’s gaze was sharp and discerning, looking over Sandra as if she could peel back the layers of Sandra’s thoughts. Sophia looked more uncertain—and worried.

Karla pushed by her, Sophia following behind in her wake.

“Okay, spill it, girlfriend. We don’t buy that bullshit you said about simply deciding to opt out of The House and spending the evening with Derrick instead.”

Sandra followed Karla and Sophia into her living room and flopped back on the couch she’d just vacated.

“And don’t think you’re going to leave a single detail out,” Karla continued. “I’ll sic Ken on Derrick if I have to. One way or another, I’ll get the dirt, so you may as well cough it up now.”

“Are you all right?” Sophia asked anxiously. “Did something happen last night, Sandra? Did someone hurt you or frighten you?”

Sandra smiled ruefully. What to say to those questions? Yes, no and yes?

“I’m fine,” she reassured. “Honestly. It’s complicated.”

Karla’s lips tightened and she got that “aha” look on her face that suggested she’d known something was up.

“What happened then?” Sophia asked.

“What really happened, Sandra?” Karla pushed. “I saw you yesterday. I heard you. And whether you had any apprehensiveness, I know you, and you were bound and determined to go to The House and see it through. And then I get a phone call saying oh never mind, I didn’t go and I’m at home?”

She snorted in disbelief.

“I went,” Sandra hedged.

Sophia’s forehead furrowed. “But you said you didn’t.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t go,” Sandra corrected. “I merely said I changed my mind.”

“And?” Karla asked quietly. “What happened, Sandra?”

Sandra sighed. “Derrick happened.”

Karla’s mouth rounded into an O about the time realization sparked in her eyes. “Oh shit. Derrick was there, wasn’t he? Oh my God, did he freak?”

Sophia looked absolutely confused as she jerked her head back and forth between Sandra and Karla, trying to keep up with what was going on.

Before Sandra could answer, Karla pushed forward.

“I’m so sorry, Sandra. I should have warned you, Derrick is hardly in there. I mean I know he’s a member, but it didn’t even occur to me to tell you that, because what were the odds that he’d show up on the night you went?”

Sophia shook her head in bewilderment. “Derrick—our Derrick—goes to The House? Why?”

Sandra’s cheeks warmed and she and Karla exchanged looks of understanding.

“He’s a Dominant,” Karla said gently. “Like Ken.”

Sophia went silent, processing the revelation. Tension vibrated from her, and it made Sandra uneasy for what she’d have to tell both her friends. But especially Sophia.

Sophia was . . . Well, she was very black-and-white. Her worldview was very narrow and she didn’t often venture outside the parameters she’d set. She had good reason to be as she was, but it didn’t always make things easy. Sophia was rigid, and this would likely throw her for a loop.

“He was there when I walked in with another man,” Sandra said in a low voice. “It didn’t go well.”

Karla winced. “I don’t imagine it did.”

“He hauled me out and took me back to his house intending to lecture me after he scraped an inch of skin off my hide. He didn’t think I had any clue what I was getting into.”

“And did you inform him differently?” Karla asked.

Sandra nodded. “That’s when it got . . . interesting.”

Sophia’s perplexed look deepened and Karla’s eyes widened. Both of her friends sat forward, picking up on Sandra’s tone.

Sandra drew in her breath, knowing her friends would know sooner or later and she’d rather it come from her.

“Derrick said . . .”

She struggled with just how to put it. This was much harder than she imagined because she still hadn’t come to terms with it herself!

“What did he say?” Karla prompted.

“He said that if that was what I wanted—what I needed—then he was going to be the only man who gave those things to me.”

“Whoa,” Karla breathed.

Sophia’s reaction was a bit more explosive. “What? I don’t understand. He what?”

“He wants me,” Sandra said in a low voice. “Has wanted me a long time. I didn’t know. I feel so stupid, but I had no idea!”

“Wow,” Karla said. “I mean I used to think, a long time ago, the way he looked at you sometimes . . . I thought there was something there. But then you and Clement were so happy and Derrick remained friends with you both, and he never made a move after Clement died, so I thought I imagined it.”

Sophia’s face flushed with anger. “He had a thing for you when you were married to my brother?”

“It’s not like he ever acted on it,” Karla gently chided. “You can’t control who you’re attracted to.”

“Clement knew,” Sandra murmured. “Derrick told me that Clement knew and that it didn’t affect their friendship.”

“I would certainly prefer him to some stranger you pick up at The House,” Sophia said, an edge still to her voice. “But I’m worried about this. You and him. I never imagined Derrick to be that kind of person. I worry that he could hurt you physically and emotionally, and I worry about the strain it might put on all our friendships.”

Karla’s features tightened. “That kind of person? What’s that supposed to mean? Ken’s that kind of person, Sophia, and he’d never hurt me.”

“You know I didn’t mean it like that,” Sophia said wearily. “I’m worried about Sandra, okay? It seems like lately she’s making a lot of impulsive decisions, and I don’t want her to get hurt. And I worry about this thing with Derrick. I’m not sure how I feel about the fact he was attracted to his best friend’s wife.”

Impatience and frustration warred with Sandra. “I’ve considered all of those things,” she snapped out. “I’ve taken into account how it would affect our circle of friends, especially if it didn’t work out.”

She drew in a breath before continuing.

“I’ve never looked at him as anything but a friend until now, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I hate feeling like I’m betraying my dead husband for even considering this. I would have never been unfaithful to Clement, even if I’d known that Derrick had feelings for me. And I don’t like you questioning his integrity because he had feelings for me that he never acted on until now.”

Sophia grimaced and looked away. Karla leaned farther forward, taking Sandra’s hand in hers.

“Yes, it could change things,” Karla said in a calm voice. “But you can’t live your life without taking risks. If this is something you want to go for, you at least need to try. It’s worse to live with the what-ifs than it is to take the plunge and fail. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.”

“I have everything to lose,” Sandra said in a raw voice. “I lost Clement and it would devastate me to ever lose Derrick’s friendship. It would devastate me to lose yours or Sophia’s. I don’t want to lose anyone else I love.”

Karla’s face filled with love and understanding. It made Sandra’s eyes go watery, and damn it, enough with the tears. It was time to move beyond all that. To stop being such an emotionally fragile person.

“Sweetie, life is all about risk and there are no guarantees, as you well know,” Karla said gently. “Let me ask you something. If you knew back when you and Clement got married that you’d only have a few short years with him, if you knew he’d die, would you have done anything differently? Would you have walked away from him then to spare yourself the pain of losing him later?”

The question shook Sandra to her core. Without even thinking about it, her response was immediate.

“No, of course I wouldn’t have walked away! I’d do it all over again, and I wouldn’t change a thing, even knowing I’d lose him. Because what time we did have together was wonderful. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world,” she said painfully.

“Then why aren’t you willing to take a chance with Derrick?” Karla asked. “What if it works out? What if he makes you happy? What if he gives you what you want and need? What if you find love again? What if you have one wonderful year with him, and he gives you what you need and then you split up? Wouldn’t you rather have that year and not live with regret over not ever giving it a chance? You can’t stop taking risks just because you lost someone already. It’s no way to live, in fear of living in case of pain.”

“She has a point,” Sophia said grudgingly. “And I do want you to be happy, Sandra. Even if it’s not with Clement. I’ll support you no matter what happens with Derrick. As you told me, we’re sisters, and we’re best friends.”

“Thank you,” Sandra said sincerely. “Thank you both. I don’t know what I’d do without such wonderful friends—sisters. You’ve both given me a lot to think about. And I do have to give this careful consideration.”

Karla squeezed her hand. “We’ll leave you to it then. Just know that I’m only a phone call away. And I also want you to know, that no matter what, I love you. Ken and I both love you. And he’ll personally kick Derrick’s ass if he ever hurts you.”

Sandra smiled, but sadness tugged at her heart. She didn’t want to cause a rift between her friends. She didn’t want Ken to ever become angry with Derrick over her.

Sophia rose and then leaned down to hug Sandra fiercely. Sandra returned the hug and then pushed herself up to go walk her friends out.

“Keep in touch, hon, okay?” Karla said. “And if you ever need to talk, just pick up the phone. Night or day. It doesn’t matter.”

“I will,” Sandra said truthfully. “And thank you both again for caring about me. I’m not going to do anything to cause anyone hurt. I hope you both know that.”

“We do,” Sophia assured. “And I’m sorry if I hurt you with the things I said. I do love you, Sandra. And I do want you to be happy. I know that Clement would want you to be happy. It takes a pretty special guy to remain friends with a man who had feelings for his wife. If Clement could and did live with that, then so can I.”

Sandra hugged them both and then watched as they walked down the paved sidewalk to where they were parked out front. She stood there as they drove away and then she went back inside to get her purse and her keys.

It was automatic to get in her car and drive towards the cemetery. She wasn’t even aware of what she was doing until she neared the gates leading inside. She braked and came to a stop at the entryway, staring ahead at all the headstones that dotted the landscape.

She’d been coming to talk to Clement. To explain about Derrick and ask Clement’s blessing. When she’d sworn she was moving on, letting go, and wouldn’t return here. Not again.

With a shake of her head, she backed up enough to execute a U-turn and then drove away, aiming her car in the direction of Derrick’s subdivision.

HE shouldn’t have brought her home. He shouldn’t have left her alone after dropping such a bomb on her. He should have kept her here with him, within touching distance. Not giving her time and space for her to change her mind or talk herself out of what he knew she was agreeing to.