A Son's Dangerous Desire:(4)

We had a park just outside of town. It had a few soccer and baseball fields, a man-made lake, and a forest with many paths. On this particularly fine Sunday it was very quiet. Only a few cars parked, one or two people walking in the distance.

"Perfect," she said. I didn't ask for what.

She took a deep breath and turned partially to face me in her seat. I couldn't tell if she was nervous, excited, or both.

"I've been unfair...and cruel to you," she said, "And I want to make it up to you. I need to tell you some things, and then...then you can make up your own mind. I know that...other people would say that you are a child, and that anything I'm about to say to you, or offer to you, is wrong. I...I choose to believe that you are capable of making up your own mind. The only thing I want you to do right now is listen, ok honey?"

At this point, even I realized the nature of what she was suggesting. Not so much that it would be sexual, but that it would change our relationship. No longer would she be just a mother to me, good or bad. And I could tell that she no longer saw me as only a son. The heat in my chest told me my answer. It wanted to know, needed to know what she would say. I could say that I had no power to resist this impulse, but the truth is I didn't try. I nodded to her, and smiled. I looked at her with the kind of love only a son has for his mother. She beamed back at me.

--3--

"I've been awful to you, and I'm sorry. But that isn't enough. You're...old enough to understand now. You probably already do understand at least some of this. So I guess you could call this my confession," she took a deep sigh and continued.

"When your father and I married, I was deeply in love with him. He gave many signs of his affection for me, gifts, thoughtful gestures, trips. But as soon as we were back from our honeymoon things changed. I was pregnant with you and just starting to show. He grew distant. I suspected an affair. He was older than me and more experienced in life. I thought that I had let him down in some way, failed to understand his needs, or... satisfy him sexually."

"As time passed, it became clear that there was nothing I could do to keep his interest. I became resigned to this life. I considered divorce or affairs, but I realized that honestly I had things pretty good. Or that's what I told myself. I didn't have to worry about money, not really. I had you and then he was interested enough in my to get me pregnant with Becky. I was very busy. I had friends. And if I was horny, I had my fingers. I know how shocking that must sound to you, but I've decided that I need to be totally honest."

"Things were like that for a long time. Your father grew more distant, more cruel, even with you, his favored son. He said...says...the most awful things to me when we are alone. But only if I show any defiance. If I behave like a meek, submissive wife, he is at least polite. I started to really resent him when you turned...maybe 8 or 9? He stopped concealing his affairs. He told me where he would be, for how long...and even who. If I questioned him or grew angry, he told me what he would be doing with them. He didn't spare any details. So I stopped asking. I didn't want to know. And I had you and Becky, who I loved so much. You...you don't even know how much of a blessing you both were to me then. People complain about having to take care of children but you kept me sane and balanced."

"Time passed, and I guess you could say I ruined everything. You started to grow into the young man you are now. You were so handsome. You are so handsome. I know you don't think so, but you are. And you look so much like your father. Naturally, I started to see more of him in you. Your mannerisms. The way you walked. Even the way you put on your shirts," she laughed bitterly.

"It was a cruel joke. You see, I started to think badly of you. I wondered if you would be like your father, cold, and manipulative. I could keep these thoughts in check at first. I would tell myself that they were terrible, unfair, and made me a bad mother. But once you started to really grow into yourself... A mother, a good mother, isn't supposed to be attracted to her son. And I'm attracted to you. I don't know if I can tell you how strong...how deep it is. I began to be colder to you. I told myself it was for you...the less affection, the less chance I would cross a line."

"I crossed a different line instead. My sexual frustration grew and fed my resentment. Both fed my guilt. I have so much to be guilty about. You probably hate me, I wouldn't blame you at all. I'm cold and angry with you. Last night I hit you. I wanted to die after I did it. I couldn't imagine what you thought of me. and to make it worse, it was so obvious that you were...attracted to me, last night. Sometimes...often...when I touch myself, I try to think of your father. But it's you who I end up thinking of when I have an orgasm. I think of you on top of me, inside me, in my mouth. I think about you kissing me gently, sometimes I think about you just taking me roughly, like you own me."

"So, I made a decision last night, when I was cleaning your face and realizing how terrible I was. I decided to be honest with you today. I wanted to talk with you at home, but I'm not having this conversation anywhere near your father. So here's my proposal. You can move out and go stay with your grandmother and grandfather for the rest of high school; they would never complain and we could make up a reason. You can tell me to forget about everything, and we go pick up Becky in a few hours and then pretend like none of this happened. We'll go home and I will do everything possible to be a better mother to you, the kind you deserve. Or," here she faltered and looked down.

She looked so vulnerable. I just wanted to hug her and console her. It was strange for me to think this way about my mother, but then, I was thinking all kinds of things that I had never thought before. I was so hard at this point it hurt. I thought my cock would burst out of my pants. To make it worse, I caught mom looking at the conspicuous bulge, which made me feel worse. She finally sighed and broke the silence.

"Or...we become more than mother and son. I wanted to start by making you feel nice today. I have a hard time talking about this, but I don't think it will be hard for me to show you," she looked straight into my eyes here, her gaze singeing me with its intensity, "I want to make you cum, the way a good lover should. I want to be both a good mother and a good fuck. I want to give you every part of me. So that's it. I know I'm putting you on the spot right now...but it has to be your choice to go any further. I...I want you so badly right now that I can't be trusted. And if you let me, I'll show you how good of a woman I can be to you."