My Brother's Forbidden Touch::Ch-3

I expected them to be standing in a small circle, screaming in each others' faces, but Dan was in the recliner, and Mom and Dad were sitting on the couch across from him.

"Danny? It's okay. I'm okay. You need to go to school. Let Mom take me. Please don't fight."

I hoped he couldn't hear the fear in my voice, or that it was a lie when I implied I was fine without him.

"See, Son?" Dad piped up. "Raven's okay with it. Throw your mom a bone and let her take care of your sister this one time."

I heard my brother get up and walk toward me. I wanted him to hug me, so I stood still so he wouldn't knock me down accidentally in the dark.

I always assume it's dark. I guess my mind has no reason to assume otherwise. Even at fifteen, light was just a vague memory and darkness was always with me.

"Mom, I'm sorry for yelling. Dad, I'm sorry for yelling at you too."

Sometimes I was still surprised at how far above my head my twin brother's voice was.

"Danny," Mom replied. "It came from a good place in your heart. There's no apology needed."

My brother's hand felt like it wrapped around my entire head as he smoothed my hair back then he kissed me on the forehead.

"You're leaving early in the morning. See you in a few weeks."

"I love you, Danny."

"I love you more, Raven."

He went up the stairs without me.

"How early do I need to be ready, Mom?"

Once in bed, my mind continued to churn in my head and drove sleep as far from me as I imagined it could be. I had been on planes before, but my brother had always been there to hold my hand when I needed him to. Of all my fears, not having him there with me wasn't the least.

Eventually, I gave in, and slipped across the hall to Dan's bedroom. This wouldn't be the first, not anywhere near the first, and I didn't think there was any reason it would be the last time I got in bed with him when I was scared or worried, had a bad dream, or was just lonely. I didn't remember ever getting in bed with Mom and Dad; I always went to my brother, even when we were small, we shared a room, and I could see.

He felt warm as I eased myself into his bed beside him, and he mumbled something. I felt better already, and quickly fell asleep with my forehead barely touching his chest as it rose and fell with his slow breathing.

I slowly drifted out of my sleep. I could feel my brother's knee across the back of one of my legs, and his warm breath slowly lapped against my cheek. I moved my face a little, and the tip of his nose touched mine.

I was fifteen, so of course my hormones were haywire. I'd daydreamed about kissing a boy, but no one particular boy. There wasn't one particular boy, but some I'd like to kiss. I hadn't kissed any though, but was certain it was high time I found one willing to let me kiss them.

Dan shifted, then sighed, and his breath felt hot against my mouth, so without thinking, my lips moved to his and kissed them.

My sparklers went crazy inside my eyes and I suddenly realized what I was doing, and what he had started doing. He kissed me back as I kissed him.

I hadn't ever thought about kissing him like that, but this felt good, and, again without thinking, I moaned into my brother's mouth, then slowly pulled away, reluctantly.

"Wow," I barely whispered, almost overwhelmed with the lights going off like fireworks in my eyes.

"Rae," Dan groaned.

I sat up and scooted to the side of the bed, then off.

I needed to go to my own bed before I did something worse, and I wanted to do something worse. I suddenly wanted to do something way worse than just kiss my brother on the mouth, and I wanted it in the worst way.

I wasn't comfortable, even in my own bed, under my own covers, alone, and lonely. I had a reason now to think that would be the last time I slept in his bed. I couldn't trust myself, and I definitely couldn't sleep with my sparklers going off like they were.

I call them sparklers, but the doctors had some term for them that even now I don't remember. My totally useless retinae were letting off phantom electrical charges, and there was nothing they could do about it. Normally there are only a couple most minutes, whether my eyelids were open or closed, but at that moment, starting when my lips touched Dan's, they were a constant stream. I hoped for relief soon.

Mom and I were leaving early in the morning. I probably wouldn't talk to Dan; he had already said goodbye. Maybe by the time he saw me again in three weeks, he'd think it was him, his dream that he had kissed his sister, and me getting up had woken him to cement that dream in his head.

Now he wanted me to move with him a hundred miles away from our parents. That's the thing he had vowed to change my mind about tomorrow. Boston retiring had nothing to do with it.

He had finished his masters degree in the spring, and spent the summer, like the previous two summers, doing a basketball camp for high schoolers with a former teammate at Ohio State who had gone on to the NBA. When that finished, he prepared for and passed his CPA exam, and now had found a good job in Cincinnati with a national CPA firm.

It had been nine years since I kissed my brother like that, on his mouth, in his bed. We had never talked about it, so apparently my wish came true. He thought it was his dream that he kissed me.

I knew I still couldn't trust myself with him though, especially if we lived together in our own place, just the two of us and my new dog.

At least I had kissed some boys that weren't my brother since then, but that just made it harder for me to trust myself with him. He will always be the first boy I ever kissed, and the only boy to bring on a sparkler storm.

Boston's whine brought me back to reality, in the present. I knew I'd acquiesce about Boston tomorrow, and that was bad enough, but the thing that really scared me was what Dan might say to change my mind about moving to Cincinnati with him.

I didn't even know if our parents knew he had found a job or wanted me to move with him. They left this morning for a two week vacation to Phoenix. I didn't know why they chose Phoenix for their first vacation without us since we were born. They just told me yesterday they were going.

I couldn't fathom my life with Dan two hours away, or what conspiracy was afoot that he had suddenly sprung this on me with our parents gone for two weeks and our imminent trip to California.

I moved Boston's futon cushion bed out of the corner to beside my bed, let him find his spot, then pulled my pillow and blanket off my own bed and curled up next to him on his. Tonight I needed somebody that loves me to sleep with, and I knew he wouldn't be able to get up on mine.

####

Bob and Avaritt Tipton, Dad and Mom to Raven and me, wanted a baby when they were first married at twenty-four and twenty-two years old. They didn't go into graphic details with us, but said they tried really hard for ten years. They even tried fertility treatments, but nothing worked.

Then, eight years after they quit trying and assumed it was impossible, the news they were expecting an oops baby thrilled them to no end. Dad was even more thrilled when the doctor revealed their oops baby was two. Mom was less thrilled, but they both always loved us.

They left it to me to tell Raven that they weren't on vacation in Phoenix. In their mid-sixties now, they were on a house hunting trip. After long, successful careers in insurance and nursing, they were ready to retire, and as soon as they found a place, they would be moving there.