My boys

Kan paced in his room in the death of night, his chest feeling tight and heavy. 

He wanted to break something, to express this somehow.

But he had no idea how. Short of fucking someone into a wall or beating someone to pulp, he had no idea how to express this. 

He squatted in the middle of his bedroom, wrapping his arm around his head. 

He hated how much this hurt. 

He did not think anything could hurt him so much after his twin died, until the day Ariel asked for a divorce and began to treat him like a ghost she could not see. 

He thought that was bad enough, that they were now housemates, worse than when they had just got married, and before he fell in love with her.

And then his son died. 

He had come into his world with a bang and then slipped away silently. 

He did not know something could hurt like this. That he could hurt over a baby he barely knew, the one he never planned for. 

But the memory of his little coffin being lowered into a grave sent him spiraling.

And that look Eleanor had given him, like she blamed him for their son’s death?

Worst of all was that he could not even grieve properly, because what if Ariel got suspicious, went digging and then found out?

Any plans or hope he had of making her stay would be useless. 

He stood up and hurried to the nearest wall and began punching, imagining it was Tucker's face, wondering how much longer he had to be patient.

He had already planned and set a date for the man’s death. But he had to wait. 

If he did it even a day too soon, Ariel would know it was him, and it would not matter whether Tucker was alive or not, she would leave him.

He punched the wall again and again, and when he finally stopped, blood was dripping from his knuckles to the floor, the pain somehow making the one in his chest feel dull.

He crashed to the floor and lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling. 

Then he started to hear his father’s voice. “Pussy. Fucking pussy.”

He blinked, willing the memory to go away, but it wouldn’t. Instead, it seemed to get brighter and clearer.

“If you are going to be this weak, I might as well save us all the bother and hand over the shares to Tucker.” His father slammed his hand hard on the armrest of the Chesterfield sofa. “Fight!”

“Father, please.” A ten-year-old Kan pleaded.

“What? You cannot fight him?”

Little Kan stared at him, his chest rising and falling as he panted in fear at what his father would do to him.

“I am not angry with him, father. He is my brother,” Kan said, sweating and close to tears now as his twin was staring at him wide-eyed, and gesturing for him to just hit him.

“You should be.” His father thundered. “You are my heir. And your younger brother just questioned your decision, you should show him who’s boss.”

“I don’t want to,” Kan said.

“This is the last time I will ask you, Kan Sullivan,” his father said, standing up now to his full height. 

The man stood at 6’5 and to the little boy he looked like a god. 

“Hit him,” he yelled, and Kan shivered and struck his brother on the face, but as much as he wanted to, he could not put force into the blow.

He felt his father gripping the collar of his shirt now and hurling him outside. “You will sleep with the dogs tonight. If you can get them to not eat you in their hungry state, good for you.”

The little boy wet his pants at this, because he had a huge fear of dogs. 

“Father please.” He wailed louder and louder, terrified out of his mind as his father pulled him along towards the dog kennel.

“I will not have a weakling for a son.” His father continued muttering as he pulled him along easily, little Kan’s leg dragging across the floor, as his twin appeared now, begging their father to let Kan go, and he would stay in the large kennel instead. 

His father stopped, but only to give Kan’s twin a backhanded smack across his face. “This does not concern you. When we need spares I will let you know.”

Then the man, still outraged at the audacity, raised his leg to stomp on his brother, who had fallen to the floor, but their mother appeared in that moment and gripped his leg, crashing to her knees.

“Leave my sons alone, please. Please honey.”

“Step out of my way before I hurt you.” His father barked. 

But his mother would not. 

She stood in front of him, crying and pleading. 

The man was so furious he tossed Kan away, momentarily forgetting all about him.

“You dare challenge me in my sons’ presence?” He turned on their mother. “Who said you could have an opinion on how I raise my sons?” 

And the first blow fell. 

Kan screamed, and felt a hand clutching him.

“Run. Don’t just stand there.” His twin tugged at his hand, and they began to run towards the backyard, not because they wanted to abandon their mother, but because there was nothing they would do to help her.

They ran fast, and they ran far, vaulting over the short bamboo fence at the backyard and into the wide farmland his father had foremen care for livestock behind their country home. 

They hid behind a pig pen the whole of that evening into the night and only came out the next morning because they were so hungry and believed their father’s anger must have subsided. 

And it had.

When they stepped into their mansion, he was sitting in the dining room, eating and smiling into a newspaper while his mother served him from the platter the maids brought, with a bruised face.

“My boys.” His father called cheerfully when he saw them. “Look at them,” he glanced at their mother. “Always with each other, always looking out for each other,” He said and laughed proudly. 

“This is how it should always be. You only have yourselves and will need each other’s support when you face the Tuckers.”

The boys kept their distance, but stood still, holding each other’s hands.

“Do you hear me?”

They nodded quickly.

“You smell.” The man laughed again. “You both smell. Go take a shower and come join me for breakfast before we return to the city. I will wait for you,” their father said.

Kan and his twin hurried up the stairs.

“But he said we should fight each other yesterday,” his twin said as soon as they were out of earshot, but Kan still shushed him.