CHAPTER 4

I'm such a mess.

Why did I forget the part that I wanted to say the most to him?

My parents know I am working overseas as a lawyer they don't know Levi existed or Trevor Clark and I broke up five years ago. Only my eldest sister in New Zealand knew what happened.

Because of his wrong timing in breaking up with me, I couldn’t have the heart to spoil their happiness, so to continue my lie, I've been working day and night just to give them support and for them not to realize I'm not an attorney.

In our province, it's a culture to help your parents after you graduate, to spoil them with lavish things, and return their love when they raised you. I'd like to say that we're now in the middle class, all three of their children had already graduated, and we aim to support our parents until we can't anymore, it's a debt of gratitude— the one that he doesn't understand.

Not only that, I have to fake my smile and work with society— that's the hardest for an introvert like me, especially when they see my papers and learn about my educational background. Everytime, I learned to become silent and hold my hand. They look down on me— it's the painful truth and no matter how hard I try in life, I can't do what others my age do because someone needs me more than myself— my child needs protection and love, and the last thing I want was for the society to look down on him too.

That's what I want to tell Trey, my ex-boyfriend, that he brought me insurmountable pain because of what he did.

He knew that I was pregnant with his child, yet for five years he did nothing, I want him to feel at least the tiniest hell I've been just for my son to have a peaceful life.

"Ma, that man..." Levi trailed. After paying the bills in the hospital, I took my son to a nearby convenience store and bought some microwavable dinner.

"What about him?" I replied, having a bite of the fish cake in his bento box. The hospital bill was so expensive that I should just let him pay for it and not let my pride take over. Now I can only afford one bento box and a fruit drink for him. Seemed like I only make wrong decisions in life.

"It's true that he's my dad, right?" Levi raised his head at me and furrowed his brows like he knew the truth and was just waiting for me to agree.

"How did you arrive at that conclusion?" I puckered my lips and put my hands on the table, we were in front of a tall glass window of the convenience store, the only customer that was having dinner in the convenience store were us. 

Levi looked forward and had a spoonful of his rice. "He told us, and before that, I felt uneasy but somehow comfortable with him."

I inhaled deeply, pursed my lips once more, and decided to head in the direction of the door, wanting to leave. "Let's go home."

I'm about to step forward, but Levi stopped me with his next words. "You didn't answer my question."

What he wanted was the hardest thing for me, how long will I bring this problem with me? I know there's a possibility that we'll meet, but I didn't think it would be as soon as we spend a day here and in the form of an accident.

I'm still not ready to face him. Although I said I;m fine in meeting his swon and acknowledging him as the father. The wound that he left in my heart was impossible to be treated. It's hard to breathe from time to time.

Like now, just the thought of him in this conversation gave me chest pain. "If I confirm it, what would you do?"

Levi diverted his gaze from me for a while and finished his bento before grabbing my hand. "Nothing, I'll still stay with you."

Sure, I gripped his hands tightly and went to the door. He would still live with me, but darling, I don't want to.

-

"Sulli."

I was about to turn off the light when I made sure that Levi was sleeping, but someone knocked on the window beside the door.

Because this was a rundown apartment, the houses were just side-by-side, there were eight apartments but only seven were working, the neighboring apartment had a dog that was barking non-stop, I'm afraid it would wake Levi and our neighbors so I decided to open the door.

"Sulli, I missed you so much!"

A lady in white suddenly hugged me, but this time she wasn't in a dress or her luxurious casual but formal wear. She was in her nurse uniform, hugging me tightly.

"Lucia," I called and moved a little to break the hug. "How did you find me?"

I caught her staring at my son sleeping on the bed. "I saw you at the convenience store near the hospital, so I followed you."

She smiled at me and motioned for my son. "He looks like my brother."

It was a heart-wrenching truth. My son looked like his father. There’s no mistaking that they're father and son, and I was the nanny.

Levi must've noticed that they were lookalike and gotten more convinced when Trey said we have a child together.

To avoid the further awkward silence between us and the noise of the dog barking relentlessly, I decided to let Lucia in.

I led her to the kitchen– a few meters away from the bed, so Levi won't get interrupted in his sleeping.

"My brother brought you to our hospital." Of course, Lucia was a nurse, she works in that hospital. I remember I was in law school, and she's in university taking a nursing course, I'm proud of her for not giving up on her dreams.

"He misses you so much. He has been all over the place looking for you, I'm glad that after five years, you voluntarily showed up to him."

I wrapped my arms around myself and bat aan eye on her. "That's not the situation, Lucia, we met by accident, on the road, with my son."

"Oh, right! I saw him carrying you to a hospital bed while you're unconscious, I guess a small accident happened?"

I nodded and shifted my weight from foot to foot, I reached for a glass and filled it with water. Glad that she's still the same old happy-go-lucky Lucia, she deserved what she achieved, I saw her struggle through college, and all of the sleepless nights and burnout moments paid off.

"Why are you here, Lucia? Why did you follow us?" I asked, I'm glad that she's still the same Lucia. She did not change, but we do. It's been five years since her brother left me with a wound that won't heal. I cried, and I worked hard for me and my baby, I didn't care if I became the laughingstock or the below-par person. Just let my son live another day, I'm okay with that.

"Well... Sulli, my brother really wants to form a family with you and Lev—"

"Stop," I cut her off, "that's for us to settle about, don't play cupid as you did to the two of us again, Lucia," I exclaimed, hinting that I'm going to kick her out of the house if she talks about her brother again, as if that would convince me.

"Okay. Okay, I'm sorry," she breathed and squirmed on her seat to her side. She ran a hand on her tummy then started talking again. "I'm inviting you to my wedding, I'm pregnant, Sulli."

Oh.