LOGINMorning is the sound of frost. I wake to the crack of thin ice on the world, the soft rasp of Caleb’s breath, the dull ache of my body caught between sleep and the promise of another day. He is already up, pacing the small perimeter of our hollow, boots leaving careful prints in the crusted ground. The fire from last night is gone, only a black thumbprint in the dirt.I do not ask if we are leaving. I know the answer. The only thing colder than this camp is the thought of staying in it.He tosses me the last heel of bread. It is still frozen, a stone in my hand. “Eat,” he says.I do. My gums bleed, but the taste is less salt and more memory, and I make it last.He watches me, arms folded, face hard with something that is not anger, not quite. “We move at sunup. Bring only what you can carry.” He has already packed the blanket, the strip of bandage, the crude knife dulled by months of use. Everything else is left behind. We do not speak of the red tent, or the women who did not make it
It’s hours before we slow down. Even after the camp fades to a smudge of orange behind the trees, none of us want to be the first to stop, or even to breathe too loudly. I listen for the boots, the bark of dogs, the sound of the world rearranging itself to snap us back like a rubber band.Anna moves like a wolf, low to the ground, all bone and intent. The twins are less silent, but good at melting into the dark—practiced, maybe, at being overlooked. The woman who wore the chain is the slowest, dragging the ring behind her even now, unwilling or unable to leave it in the ditch.I am not the slowest, but I am the most breakable.The baby is a weight inside me, a knot of hope and shame. Every step is a war between breath and pain. The first hour is just adrenaline, and I can almost pretend I am still the girl who could run the perimeter of the New Humans’ compound without stopping. By the second hour, my body is a band of fire under the skin, and my vision tunnels to a sharp, mean point.
A belly can be a clock, if you know how to read it. This is the first thing I remember learning from my mother, before the world closed in around her bones and left only the echo of her hand on my shoulder. When I was small, she would place my palm against her skin and say: “Feel that? That’s the body, counting down.”I keep the lesson. Now I lie in the dark beside Caleb and feel the tick of the new life inside me, each flutter or turn marking the days left until something happens—something I cannot name, but already know I cannot stay for.He sleeps with an arm over my ribs. Some nights he slides his hand up, under the curve of my breast, or down to where the skin is pulled tight and thin as wax paper. Sometimes he is gentle, fingers making soft circles as if the child could be shaped from outside. Sometimes, even asleep, his grip hardens into a kind of threat. I have learned to tell the difference by the drag of his breath: shallow and quick when the day was bad, deep and heavy when
The first day after the announcement is like being at my own funeral. The men stand straighter when I pass; the women lower their eyes as if afraid to catch the contagion. Every conversation stops when I come near, then resumes with a nervous, whittled edge. Even the dogs slink lower to the ground. It is not reverence, but a calculation: how much harder they can push before I snap in two.Caleb does not leave me alone now. He walks me to the sick tent, to the mess, to the pit, a hand always at my shoulder or the small of my back. At night, he makes a point of carrying me to his bed, even though I can still walk, even though the swelling of my belly is only a rumour and not yet a fact. He likes to make the show.He sleeps with his arms wrapped around me, one hand always resting on my stomach as if to remind both of us what this is about. He fucks me less, now, but when he does, it is with a strange gentleness that feels more like violence. I think he wants to preserve me, to keep the c
Time passes the way pain does: a slow, steady bleed. I count the days by the throbbing at the base of my skull, by the noises of men outside the tent, by the new and terrible rhythm of my own body. Weeks now, since he moved me back into the leader’s tent, and I have already grown used to the silence, the space, the way the air tastes less like bleach and more like him.There is a routine. There is always a routine.Morning: I wash my face in the tin of water he leaves by the cot, the film on the surface a perfect record of each night’s sweat, tears, and what he spills inside me after. I put on the shirt, the second one he’s given me, and tie it at the waist with a strip of fabric. I do not wear pants unless I am leaving the tent. This is by his order. The men want to see the legs. The men want to see what the leader claims.Breakfast is a bowl of whatever passed for dinner the night before. Caleb eats first, always. Then he hands me the rest. There is no hurry. He is not like Ash, who
After two weeks, the sick tent is starting to feel like a home. I have made a study of the space—mapped the stains on the canvas walls, the weeping seam above the stove, the way the cots warp and tilt if you shift your weight too suddenly. I have stolen what comforts I can: a curtain made of old t-shirts strung on a wire, a pillow that doesn’t smell of blood, three plastic-wrapped posters from the ruins of a schoolhouse, and a threadbare tapestry with a design so faded it could be a tree or a river or a vein. I call it my nerve, and I keep it above the mat where I sleep.The men come to me in the mornings and evenings, mostly. By now, they know I don’t tolerate drama, so they show up with their wounds already cleaned and averted eyes. The rules are the same for everyone: no talking unless I ask, no grabbing for supplies, no questions about the collar around my neck. I work in silence, and they let me. The only time I hear my own voice is when I read off the instructions for post-op ca







